Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2017

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2018 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2017 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2017, with a brief description of each one.

  THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE NEWARK, NJ:

When a series of bacon-flavored products is accidentally certified kosher, local rabbis put up billboards to alert the locals in the only location they can collectively afford. 

GET OUT: After hosting a three-day yuntif, one brave woman makes the

controversial decision to be honest with her in-laws.

 OY TANYA:  Tana'im and Amoraim square off in an Olympic battle for Talmudic supremacy.

THE SHAPE OF WATER: A fight breaks out when an ultra-Orthodox Shabbat dinner guest learns that his host made the ice cubes after sundown.

DARKEST HOUR: The tense family tale of what happens in that last hour of Shabbat, when all the daylight has faded and before three stars are visible.

WONDER WOMAN: The story of every Jewish woman for the weeks between Purim and Passover (and year-round).

LADY BIRD: A lonely man falls in love while swinging a chicken around his head during

Kapparot.

JEWMANJI: Friday afternoon, four young Orthodox Jews get sucked into a video game and have to figure out how to escape before sundown arrives and they're trapped in the

game over Shabbos.

THE BIG SICK:A community suffers the gassy aftermath of a cholent cook-off.

ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD: The son of the community's biggest donor has an idea to fund both his extravagant lifestyle and the new shul building, and enlists the

shul president to help in his own kidnapping and ransom scheme.

CALL ME BY YOUR NAME: While receiving his first-ever Aliyah, a baal t’shuva panics on the bima, putting the gabbai in an awkward position.

BABY DRIVER: After going into labor on Shabbat morning, an observant couple finds a controversial loophole that allows them to drive home from the hospital.

DOWNSIZING: A mohel is barred from performing circumcisions when he takes a bris

one step too far.

PHANTOM THREAD: A shatnez checker looks the other way when a wealthy customer shows up wearing a suit made from both wool and linen.

THE POST: An Orthodox neighborhood is thrown into turmoil when the synagogue website posts a notice that the eruv has been inspected and is up, when in reality there is a gap that renders it in valid for carrying on Shabbat.

THE INSULT: A wealthy congregant storms out of the synagogue when the gabbai bypasses him for an aliyah on the Shabbat after he completes a trip to Israel.

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2016

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2017 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2016 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2016, with a brief description of each one.

FENCES:  When word spreads that Conservative Jews have been driving to a local Orthodox shul on Shabbat, the Orthodox congregants build an electrified fence in hopes of making their shul great again.

LA LA LAND: The heartwarming story of an overworked Jewish mother who finds solace and refuge in an alternative universe where Pesach cleaning and kitniyot are optional. 

LA LA BANNED: The ban on Orthodox women rabbis expands to include kol isha.
 
MA MA LAND: A new theme park made entirely of guilt, chicken soup and medical school applications.

BAD MOMS: Tired of having four sets of dishes and buying aluminum foil in bulk to cover their countertops, a group of mothers in a suburban Jewish community decide not to make Pesach this year.

HIDDEN FIGURES: A near-riot ensues when a congregation president refuses to release the results of the members’ vote on renewing the rabbi’s contract.

DEADPOOL: In this tense crime drama, after too many complaints about the water temperature, the mikveh lady takes matters into her own hands. 

MANISCHEWITZ BY THE SEA: A kosher cruise goes horribly wrong when the ship fails to dock before Shabbat and the kitchen runs out of wine.

ARRIVAL: An anxious grandmother spends the heart-wrenching 18 minutes after lighting candles looking at the driveway, waiting for her family to get home in time for Shabbat.

MOONLIGHT: Eager to end Shabbat, one man mistakenly counts the moon as three stars and shocks the world with a Havdalah that’s six minutes early.

SING: The wacky adventures of a rebbetzin, Beis Yaakov girl, and koala, trying to organize the first women-only singing competition in Israel.

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM: A shochet goes on a magical journey to find and shecht a kosher unicorn.

SING STREET: A music school opens down the block from an Orthodox shul and draws some local kids into a life of co-ed musical theater.

ROGUE ONE: A brave local rabbi tells his congregation that it’s time to start ignoring the second day of Yom Tov already, and that it’s OK for everyone to eat kitniyot on Pesach.

MOANATEVKA: The long-awaited animated "Fiddler on the Roof" with music and lyrics from Lin-Manuel Miranda
.
PASSENGERS: Chaos erupts on an El Al flight when nobody can figure out the right direction to face while davening Shacharit.

THE ACCOUNTANT: A mother recalls her third favorite child, after the doctor and the lawyer.​

Wishing you a happy and joyous Purim. May the laughter of Purim resound throughout your home on Purim and all year long.

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks Of The Best Movies Of 2015

 
Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2016 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2015 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2015, with a brief description of each one.

THE BIG SHORT:  A non-Jewish man has second thoughts about conversion once he learns the part about circumcision.

SPOTLIGHT: The local Jewish paper investigates synagogue shondas, including the rising cost of High Holiday tickets and having kiddush without chulent. 

THE DANISH GIRL: A conniving baker deceitfully convinces an entire community that her pastries are actually kosher.

THE HATEFUL EIGHT: Chaos erupts when clueless parents accidentally go all eight nights of Hanukkah without purchasing a single gift for their kids.

ROOM:  After eating too much over a three-day Yom Tov, a man is forced to bring all of his pants back to the tailor.

THE COVENANT: A secular man is attacked and nearly killed by a beard. But after a while, he embraces both the facial hair and the religious devotion that it indicates.

INSIDE OUT: When a man can’t find the bread he hid for Bedikat Chametz, he loses his mind and nearly destroys the house trying to figure out where it went.

TERMINATOR: GENESIS: A cyborg travels back in time to the Garden of Eden to find the and kill the snake that started the human race on its path to destruction.

BROOKLYN: All of the presidential candidates make a pilgrimage to Boro Park to seek the blessing and endorsement of the Bobover, Gerer, Satmar, Vizhnitz, Munkacz, Spinka, Klausenburger, Skverer, and Puppa rebbes.

FANTASTIC FOUR: From laughing at infertility to sitting on idols, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah had stories to tell. Don't miss this new biblical epic exploring the world of the Four Matriarchs.

BRIDGE OF SPIES: When vicious rumors spread, a local rabbi sends two of his trusted congregants to see if the townspeople are indeed using non-kosher bread for the Tashlich ceremony on Rosh Hashanah.

THE WEDDING RINGER:  When a local couple gets engaged, members of the community battle over which of their cousins is the best diamond dealer on 47th Street.

FURIOUS 7: An Israeli is beside himself when he learns that a springtime trip to America will mean one extra day of eating matzah.

THE PEANUTS MOVIE: An animated film about legumes desperately trying to be accepted on Passover.
ANT-MAN:  A romantic comedy featuring JDate’s tallest subscriber. 

THE NIGHT BEFORE:  Erev Passover, three lifelong friends pursue invitations to the ultimate chametz party. 

Wishing you a happy and joyous Purim. May the laughter of Purim resound throughout your home on Purim and all year long.