Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5787

We started Jewish Humor Central on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 5000 blog entries and more than 15 million page views over the last 17 years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

We'll be observing Rosh Hashanah on Friday evening, Shabbat and Sunday, and we'll be back posting again on Monday.  Here's wishing you a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!

L'shanah Tovah Tikatevu v'techatemu!

Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5786

 

Thanks to our loyal subscribers and casual readers worldwide 

who have joined us during the year.

We started Jewish Humor Central on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 4800 blog entries and more than 12 million page views over the last 15 years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

We'll be observing Rosh Hashanah on Monday evening, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and we'll be back posting again on Thursday.  Here's wishing you a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!

L'shanah Tovah Tikatevu v'techatemu!

Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5785

 

Thanks to our loyal subscribers and casual readers worldwide who have joined us during the year.

We started Jewish Humor Central on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 4500 blog entries and more than 10 million page views over the last 15 years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

We'll be attending services on Thursday, Friday, and Shabbat, and we'll be back posting again on Sunday.  Here's wishing you a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!

L'shanah Tovah Tikatevu v'techatemu!

Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5784

Thanks to our loyal subscribers and casual readers worldwide who have joined us during the year.

We started Jewish Humor Central on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 4200 blog entries and more than 10 million page views over the last 14 years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

We'll be attending Rosh Hashanah services tonight, Shabbat and Sunday, and we'll be back posting again on Monday.  Here's wishing you a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!

L'shanah Tovah Tikatevu v'techatemu!

Just Published in Time for Purim: The Kustanowitz Kronikle - 35 Years of Purim Parody

The festival of Purim is only four days away. We read the Megillah next Monday night and Tuesday morning.

Every Purim for the past 35 years we have published a Purim parody edition of The Kustanowitz Kronikle, covering virtually every aspect of Jewish life, and including parodies of hundreds of popular movies. 

This year we decided to retire the series and capture all the fun in a book that's just been published and is available at Amazon.com. It has every Purim issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle from 1988 through 2022 in a full-color, full-size paperback book with hilarious headline stories and parody movie picks.

Here are a few examples:

TRUMP, NETANYAHU SWAP ROLES, COUNTRIES

NEW TALMUD VOLUME "VOTIN" FOUND IN IRAQ; JOINS "FRESSIN", "NAPPIN", TANTZEN","PATCHEN"

"JUDAICARE" PROGRAM PLANNED TO ENSURE THAT ALL JEWS HAVE SYNAGOGUE MEMBERSHIP

RABBIS CREATE TALMUD AMERICANI; NEW LAWS EXTEND HALACHA TO THANKSGIVING AND JULY 4

JEWISH ORGANIZATIONS WORLDWIDE UNITE TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING; FOCUS ON REDUCING HOT AIR

RABBIS TO REQUIRE SHECHITA FOR MANY FRUITS AND VEGETABLES 

TRUMP TEMPLE TENPLEX TO UNITE ALL NEW YORK SYNAGOGUE DENOMINATIONS IN HUGE MEGA-MALL

It's a great gift for yourself and for the hosts of your Purim seudah. And it's selling for only $5.99 with free shipping if you're an Amazon Prime member.

Happy Purim to all of our readers!

Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5783

Thanks to our thousands of loyal subscribers and casual readers worldwide who have joined us during the year.

We started this blog on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 3900 blog entries and more than 3 million page views over the last 13 years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

We'll be attending Rosh Hashanah services tonight, Monday and Tuesday, and we'll be back posting again on Wednesday.  Here's wishing you a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!

L'shanah Tovah Tikatevu v'techatemu!

Jewish Life Olympics to Return in 2023; South Florida Set to Host the Games (A Purim Spoof)

 This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday night. It is read again Thursday morning, March 17. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2022 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

 

Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5782

Thanks to our thousands of loyal subscribers and casual readers worldwide who have joined us during the year.

We started this blog on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 3600 blog entries and more than 3 million page views over the last 12 years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

We'll be attending Rosh Hashanah services remotely tonight, Tuesday and Wednesday, and we'll be back posting again on Thursday.  Here's wishing you a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!

L'shanah Tovah Tikatevu v'techatemu!

Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5781

Thanks to our thousands of loyal subscribers and casual readers worldwide who have joined us during the year.

We started this blog on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 3300 blog entries and more than 3 million page views over the last 11 years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

5780 has been a great year for us -- a year of wonderful friendship, a year in which our nine books on Jewish humor have been selling on Amazon.com, and in which we performed comedy shows and lectures in Florida, New York, and New Jersey.

We'll be attending Rosh Hashanah services remotely tomorrow, Shabbat and Sunday, and we'll be back posting again on Monday.  Here's wishing you Shabbat shalom, and a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2019

Tomorrow we celebrate the holiday of Purim which starts tonight with the reading of Megillat Esther. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2020 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. 

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars). But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers. Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2019 merited consideration for this prestigious award. Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition. Here are the best films of 2019 with a brief description of each one.

PARASITE: A couple is flabbergasted when their son graduates from Yeshiva University, moves back into their house, and decides to learn Torah instead of applying for a job.
TOY STORY 4: A family’s young children revolt when they notice a clear drop-off in gift quality after the first three nights of Hanukkah.
FROZEN 2: Moments before Shabbat, a desperate mother pulls two freezer-burned challot from the back of her freezer and prays her kids won’t complain.
FIVE FEET APART: In the wake of a coronavirus scare, a secular Jewish community adapts the principle of shomer negiah (not touching members of the opposite sex) to apply to all members of the community. 
JOKER: On Simchat Torah, a smart aleck fifth grader gets himself into hot water after tying four men’s tallitot together, causing a chain reaction of separated shoulders and sprained ankles.
A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: The day after Noah and his family emerge from the ark, they hike down Mount Ararat to see if anyone else has survived, leading to the iconic song, "Won't You Be My Neighbor?"
KNIVES OUT: While excavating the Passover boxes from the basement, a New Jersey family discovers it is missing a particular type of cutlery, and that everyone seems to have both a motive and an alibi. A classic whodunit that will contribute to Pesach cleaning procrastination as it keeps you guessing.
LITTLE WOMEN: After decades of witnessing boys proclaim "Today, I am a man" as soon as they reach their bar mitzvah age, a Bais Yaakov class of 12-year-old girls asserts their equivalent identity.
UNCUT GEMS: Community chaos ensues when a family refuses to circumcise their newborn's family jewels.
ROCKETMAN: When a religious Jew goes into space, he finds himself saying the Shema and the Amidah constantly as the shuttle quickly moves through various time zones.
JOJO RABBIT: The behind-the-scenes story of how this kosher for Passover marshmallow treat was created to alleviate seasonal envy evoked by the marshmallow peep Easter candy.
DOCTOR JEWLITTLE: This remake of the 60s classic Doctor Jewlittle features the famous doctor who could talk to the animals on a speaking tour to local synagogues, lecturing on such topics as "What Animals Really Think About Sacrifices" and "Living a Vegan Lifestyle."
MARRIAGE STORY:  An 18-year-old on her yeshiva year in Israel Facetimes her family in America to announce her engagement to a 20-year-old who lives and learns in Beit Shemesh; as her parents struggle with the news, their own marriage begins to unravel.
THE IRISHMAN: The heartwarming story about one shul's Shabbos Goy, and the lengths to which he will go, to keep one community together when an unexpected blizzard threatens the Rabbi's son's bar mitzvah.

Daf Yomi Daily Talmud Study Program to Include Newly Found Tractates (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Monday night. It is read again Tuesday morning, March 10. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2020 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2019.

DAF YOMI DAILY TALMUD STUDY PROGRAM
TO INCLUDE NEWLY FOUND TRACTATES

7.5 Year-long Cycle Will Be Extended to Include
Tractates Nappin, Fressin, Tantzen, Kvetchin, and Votin


     FAIR LAWN, NJ, March 10 -- In 1923 in Poland, Rabbi Meir Shapiro founded daf yomi, an international program to study one page of the Babylonian Talmud a day. Today, an estimated 350,000 Jews around the world study on their own or with a group, reading the bbbTalmud in its Hebrew and Aramaic, or using resources like online guides and podcasts to help them along.
    At the start of the 14th cycle on January 5, participants worldwide rejoiced to hear that the International Daf Yomi Commission decided to add five months to the program to insure that new volumes of the Talmud Baghdadi, recently discovered in Iraq, were included.
    These volumes – Nappin, Fressin, Tantzen, Kvetchin, and Votin — are now in production, and will be ready for distribution at the end of the cycle. Sample pages from each of these volumes have been made available to The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Nappin

MISHNA: It is incumbent upon every male in Israel to nap for three hours every Shabbat. As it is written, V’shinantam l’vanecha. V’shinantam refers to shayna (sleep), and it also means teaching. Therefore, you should also teach your son to sleep on Shabbat. Since this is a mitzvah dependent on a fixed time, women are exempt from napping until their oldest child reaches the age of bar or bat mitzvah.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: Are the three hours in the morning or the afternoon? The Regel BaPeh replies: In the afternoon, after kiddush and a full meal. The Etzba B’Af asks in the name of the Erev Rav, If one naps in the synagogue during the Rabbi’s sermon, does this count toward the three hour minimum? The Regel BaPeh replies in the name of the Sonay Chinam, the ideal situation woud be to nap at least three hours in addition to any napping during the Rabbi’s sermon, but in an emergency, a sermon nap may be counted. The Rodef Kessef agrees, but only if the nap is long enough to allow an elephant to cross the Euphrates and shake himself dry. The Regel BaPeh asks: How long is that?; and the Rodef Kessef replies: About twice as long as it takes a tiger to cross the Tigris.

THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Fressin

MISHNA: From what time is it permissible to begin preparations for kiddush? The Groisser Fresser says: From the time the Torah is taken out of the Ark. The Punkt Farkert says: Fom the time the Chazzan completes the recitation of the Shemona Esrei.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: Why from the time the Torah is taken out of the Ark? To allow enough time for the proper presentation of the cholent, and thereby to give honor to the congregation. The Regel BaPeh  disagrees and holds with the Punkt Farkert that preparations may not begin until the Chazzan completes the Shemona Esrei, to prevent the Chazzan from smelling the cholent, deriving pleasure, and filling his mind with impure thoughts. Why impure thoughts? The Regel BaPeh brings a proof from the Ohf Hagadol that the beans used in Babylon are so potent that inhalation of a microscopic amount can trigger unexpected physical manifestations, which will not give honor to the congregation.
Is it permissible for men to assist with the preparation of the kiddush? The Grobber Yung answers: Yes, because the gematria (numeric value) of kiddush is 410, the same value as Kirk, the captain of the Starship Enterprise, whose motto is “To boldly go where no man has gone before,” – and where else could this be but the kitchen?


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Tantzen 

MISHNA: From what time is mixed dancing permitted at a wedding celebration? The Gilui Rosh says: From when the sages put on their hats and head for the coatroom. The Farkrimpte Punim says: From when the Viennese table is brought out.
GEMARA: The Nechtiger Tog asks in the name of the Farbissiner Kop: Why would the sages go to the coatroom while the band is still playing? The Vilde Chaye answers: Because they have to check to see if anyone is using the coatroom to engage in premarital sex. Why should they be checking at this time? The Unge Potchket answers: Because premarital sex could, chas vechalila, lead to mixed dancing. The Etzba B’Af asks: What does the Viennese table have to do with mixed dancing? The Regel BaPeh answers: The waltz was invented in Vienna, so anything Viennese can bring on a sudden urge to dance with a partner of the opposite sex. The Grobber Yung takes up the questioning: But what  if two wedding celebrations occur at the same time?  Can a guest attend both in the same evening? The Punkt Farkert brings a proof from a famous baraita (external source) – “Mit ein tuches ken men nit tantzen oif tzvei chassenes.” (Editor’s note: The sages of the Talmud Baghdadi were blessed with miraculous vision that enabled them to know future languages and cultures.)


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Kvetchin

MISHNA: When buying grapes one may squeeze and taste one grape before checking out to see if it is fresh and sweet. When buying toilet paper it is forbidden to squeeze the package as it is written in a baraita (ancient writing) “Please don’t kvetch the Charmin.”
GEMARA: The Etbzba B’Af asks: If you can’t decide which of two bunches of grapes you want to buy, can you taste a grape from each bunch? The Regel BaPeh says yes, but only if they are the same color (red, green, or black.) The Punkt Farkert disagrees and says that it is permissible to taste one grape of each color. The Grobber Yung interjects that if one checks out and pays with cash, when receiving change one must be careful not to even touch the hand of the checkout clerk lest it lead to mixed dancing.


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Votin

MISHNA: How does one choose a candidate when all of the choices are bad? One holds one’s nose and casts the ballot. From what time is it permitted to cast a ballot? From the time that the final poll numbers are posted by CNN and FOX. How long is it permitted to wait in line to vote? Not too long, because idle chatter while waiting could lead to mixed dancing.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: How long should you hold your nose? Only as long as it takes to pull the lever. The Punkt Farkert disagrees and says as long as you are in the voting booth. The Grobber Yung says that it depends on the size of your hand and the length of your fingers. As it is written: A man with a big hand is likely to have a big nose. And a long nose may have to be held longer to complete the voting process.

Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5780

 

Thanks to our thousands of loyal subscribers and casual readers worldwide who have joined us during the year.

We started this blog on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 3000 blog entries and more than 3 million page views over the last ten years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

5779 has been a great year for us -- a year of wonderful friendship, a year in which our nine books on Jewish humor have been selling on Amazon.com, and in which we performed comedy shows and lectures in Florida, New York, and New Jersey.

We'll be attending services for Rosh Hashanah Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, and we'll be back posting again on Wednesday.  Here's wishing you Shabbat shalom, and a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!

Trump, Netanyahu Swap Roles, Countries (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday Night March 20. It is read again on Thursday morning, March 21. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: Rabbis Establish New Blessings  for Today’s Secular Encounters.
.

TRUMP, NETANYAHU SWAP ROLES, COUNTRIES

Trump Quits U.S. Presidency, Aims for Israel Prime Ministry;
Netanyahu Quits as Israel PM, Sets Sights on White House;
Opposition Cries “Collusion” and “Obstruction”

FAIR LAWN, NJ, March 21 – As election fever heats up in Israel and the U.S., Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Donald Trump shocked the world by announcing “the deal of the century.” 

    Trump and Netanyahu will report to the United States Embassy in Jerusalem where they will resign their current posts and swap citizenships. Then both leaders will officially enter the election races in their newly adopted countries as independent candidates.

   
    With a handshake to seal the deal, the two leaders acknowledged that the swap was influenced by their popularity decline in their own countries and their increased popularity in their newly adopted countries.

    Opposition parties in both countries reacted immediately with alarm, setting off rallies in Washington and Jerusalem to protest the “collusion” between right-wing factions in Israel and the U.S. and “obstruction” of their time-tested electoral processes.

    Both left-wing and right-wing coalitions challenged Netanyahu’s right to become an American citizen overnight, but yesterday President Trump signed an executive order giving Bibi an exemption because he “looks and speaks like an American.”

    Similar opposition in Israel challenged Trump’s right to become an Israeli citizen overnight, but yesterday Prime Minister Netanyahu signed a similar order granting an exemption to Trump because of his recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s eternal capital and moving the U. S. Embassy to Jerusalem.

    The Trump-Netanyahu pact left political parties and agendas in disarray in both countries. Members of Congress and the Knesset would not comment on any policy changes both governments face as a result of the swap.

    Both leaders said that after winning their elections they will outlaw political correctness and moral equivalence in favor of increased security profiling.

    The unusual swap also prompted an inquiry into traditional electoral processes in both countries. The U.S. electoral system has already been under review since the 2016 election; Israel is now convening its own review of how its prime minister has traditionally been selected. The expected leadership change may prompt process changes, as well.

Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5779

Thanks to our thousands of loyal subscribers and casual readers worldwide who have joined us during the year.

We started this blog on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 2600 blog entries and almost 3 million page views over the last nine years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

5778 has been a great year for us -- a year of wonderful friendship, a year in which our nine books on Jewish humor have been selling on Amazon.com, and in which we performed 18 comedy shows and lectures in Florida, New York, New Jersey, and Montreal.

We'll be attending services for Rosh Hashanah tomorrow and Tuesday, and we'll be back posting again on Wednesday.  Here's wishing a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours! 

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2017

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2018 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2017 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2017, with a brief description of each one.

  THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE NEWARK, NJ:

When a series of bacon-flavored products is accidentally certified kosher, local rabbis put up billboards to alert the locals in the only location they can collectively afford. 

GET OUT: After hosting a three-day yuntif, one brave woman makes the

controversial decision to be honest with her in-laws.

 OY TANYA:  Tana'im and Amoraim square off in an Olympic battle for Talmudic supremacy.

THE SHAPE OF WATER: A fight breaks out when an ultra-Orthodox Shabbat dinner guest learns that his host made the ice cubes after sundown.

DARKEST HOUR: The tense family tale of what happens in that last hour of Shabbat, when all the daylight has faded and before three stars are visible.

WONDER WOMAN: The story of every Jewish woman for the weeks between Purim and Passover (and year-round).

LADY BIRD: A lonely man falls in love while swinging a chicken around his head during

Kapparot.

JEWMANJI: Friday afternoon, four young Orthodox Jews get sucked into a video game and have to figure out how to escape before sundown arrives and they're trapped in the

game over Shabbos.

THE BIG SICK:A community suffers the gassy aftermath of a cholent cook-off.

ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD: The son of the community's biggest donor has an idea to fund both his extravagant lifestyle and the new shul building, and enlists the

shul president to help in his own kidnapping and ransom scheme.

CALL ME BY YOUR NAME: While receiving his first-ever Aliyah, a baal t’shuva panics on the bima, putting the gabbai in an awkward position.

BABY DRIVER: After going into labor on Shabbat morning, an observant couple finds a controversial loophole that allows them to drive home from the hospital.

DOWNSIZING: A mohel is barred from performing circumcisions when he takes a bris

one step too far.

PHANTOM THREAD: A shatnez checker looks the other way when a wealthy customer shows up wearing a suit made from both wool and linen.

THE POST: An Orthodox neighborhood is thrown into turmoil when the synagogue website posts a notice that the eruv has been inspected and is up, when in reality there is a gap that renders it in valid for carrying on Shabbat.

THE INSULT: A wealthy congregant storms out of the synagogue when the gabbai bypasses him for an aliyah on the Shabbat after he completes a trip to Israel.

More Rare Talmud Baghdadi Volumes Discovered in Abandoned ISIS Cities (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday Night February 28. It is read again on Thursday morning, March 1. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2018 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2017 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.

MORE RARE TALMUD BAGHDADI VOLUMES DISCOVERED 
IN ABANDONED ISIS CITIES

New Tractates Cover Laws of Supermarket Shopping; 

Include Koifin, Hondlin, Kvetchin, Shtuppin, Noshin, and Shleppin  

  FAIR LAWN, March 1  –  Six months after ISIS forces were driven from Mosul, Iraq, the same team of archaeologists who discovered the long lost Talmudic tractates Nappin, Fressin, Meetin, Tantzen, and Patchen (reported in the Kronikle Purim issues of 1991, 1998, 2003, and 2016) announced the  unearthing of  tractates Koifin, Hondlin, Kvetchin, Shtuppin, Noshin, and Shleppin.

These volumes, found rolled up in a cave near the city, describe the debates among fifth-century rabbis about the laws of supermarket shopping – buying, bargaining, squeezing, shoving, sampling, and delivery. 

The tractates reveal previously unknown details about the everyday lives of ordinary citizens as they go about their tasks of shopping in supermarkets. Here are highlights of some of the rabbinical debates and discussions in each volume: 

Koifin: Can you buy foods that are made from mixtures of dissimilar substances that might be a violation of the laws of shatnez and kilayim?  Does the ban include chocolate chip cookies, fudge swirl ice cream, and raisin bran? 

Hondlin: Can you bargain for a lower price with the produce manager or the cashier?  Does the store owe you money if you present coupons worth more than the cost of the item? 

Kvetchin: Which grocery items are you permitted to squeeze? (See sample on this page). 

Shtuppin: If someone is blocking the aisle with a shopping cart, how much force can you use to push them out of the way? How many lashes do you get for shoving your cart into someone’s cart in the parking lot? How much compensation does the shovee get? 
Noshin: How many boxes of cookies can you open before paying while shopping with your crying, annoying child? 
Shleppin: When checking out at the supermarket, should you consider environmental damage caused by paper and plastic bags, or insist on paper in plastic, damn the environment?

 

Wishing All of Our Readers a Shanah Tovah - Happy New Year 5778

Thanks to our thousands of loyal subscribers and casual readers worldwide who have joined us during the year.

We started this blog on October 5, 2009 and it's been going strong with more than 2300 blog entries over the last eight years.  

We appreciate your loyalty and we hope to keep bringing you a daily mix of Jewish humor in all of its forms -- traditional, eclectic, musical, unbelievable but true, and just funny, tempered with touches of nostalgia and Yiddishe nachas. 

5777 has been an amazing year for us -- a year of wonderful friendship, a year in which our nine books on Jewish humor have been selling on Amazon.com, and in which we performed 20 comedy shows and lectures in Florida, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Montreal.

We'll be attending services for Rosh Hashanah and Shabbat, and we'll be back posting again on Sunday.  Here's wishing a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and funny New Year from our family to yours!