Ancient Talmud Found in Jerusalem Dig; Gives Green Light to "Half Shabbos" Texting

 

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2012 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2011 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS


 TALMUD FOUND IN JERUSALEM DIG;
 GIVES GREEN LIGHT TO “HALF SHABBOS” TEXTING

Tractate Textin Approves iPad, Kindle, and Nook (But Not Kindle Fire)
for Shabbat Reading; Kohen’s Ephod Was Prototype For Today’s iPad

 Special to The Kustanowitz Kronikle

  

FAIR LAWN, March 7 – The Orthodox Jewish world was shaken today by the announcement that a Talmud volume discovered last month in the City of David archaeological dig in Jerusalem seems to provide justification for the use of cell phones to send text messages on Shabbat.

The practice, used by Orthodox teens and popularly known as “keeping half-Shabbos” was widely reported in Jewish newspapers last summer.

The Talmud scrolls, titled Tractate Textin, describe in intricate detail the way that God communicated with the Kohen Gadol (High Priest) in the Temple.

 

The high priest wore a breastplate on a special garment called an ephod. The breastplate contained twelve colored stones. Linguists now are suggesting that ephod, iPod, and iPad are essentially the same word, allowing for the evolution of language over the millennia. The twelve stones, called Urim v’Tumim, may be the first iPad and iPhone apps on a device about the same size as the iPad.

When the people of Israel inquired of God concerning an important issue, the high priest asked God the question. God answered through the twelve stones. For example, when they wanted to know whether they should go out to war, the high priest asked God and God answered through the breastplate by making the stones glow in a sequence. This is the earliest known form of texting, and there are no specific prohibitions in the Torah nor halachic opinions in Talmud Textin that bar such communication on the Sabbath.

A careful reading of Tractate Textin suggests that the Urim and Tumim were also used by the priests for activities that were not spelled out in the Torah. For example, there is a reference to Tziporim Koasot, or Angry Birds, presumably birds that were supposed to be sacrificed on the altar but were replaced by pigs when the Greek-Syrian army desecrated the Temple during the Hashmonean period. 

Other excerpts from Textin reveal that while the Kohen wasn’t looking, some Levites borrowed the Urim and Tumim to play ephod games and amuse themselves with other apps. 

Permitted use of the Kindle and Nook was derived by scholars of Gematria, the study of numeric word equivalents. When spelled in Hebrew letters, Kindle has a numeric value of 194 and Nook has a value of 156, which are the same numeric values as the Hebrew words tzedek and Ohel Moed. If the Kindle represents tzedek, or righteousness, its use should be permitted at all times.

With the values of Nook and Ohel Moed (the tabernacle where the Ark of the Covenant rested and from where God spoke to Moses) being equivalent, the Nook gains a special holiness that merits its use on Shabbat. 

Even though e-readers such as the Kindle, Nook, and iPad may be used on Shabbat, the latest model of the Kindle, the Kindle Fire, is specifically forbidden in the Torah (Exodus 35:3) which says "You shall not Kindle Fire throughout all your habitations upon the Sabbath day."

Esther Goes Western: The Purim Megillah as Cowboy Epic

We've all seen classic plays such as Shakespearean tragedies restaged with modern sets and costumes and the morality and ethics of the basic story retold in a contemporary light. But until now we haven't seen the Book of Esther as an animated saga of the wild west, with nods to Clint Eastwood and the spaghetti western, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

Here is a video retelling the whole Esther story in western style, with appropriate background music. Written and directed by Shlomo Blass, the commentary is based on traditional Jewish sources and an essay written by Rabbi Jonathan Blass: "Pluralism, Antisemtism, and man's strive to divinity".

Rabbi Blass, Rosh Kollel of Ratzon Yehuda and its founder, is a graduate of Mercaz Harav Kook and Kollel Shevet Mehokek in Jerusalem.

Rabbi Blass made aliyah in 1970 from the US where he had studied at Yeshiva University and Mesivta Tiferes Yerushalayim. He served as an officer in the IDF as rabbi of a tank brigade and currently also serves as the rabbi of Neve Tzuf, a religious community in the Shomron. In addition to numerous articles on halachic subjects, Rabbi Blass has written two books, one in comparative law, and the other in Jewish philosophy on Rambam's Guide to the Perplexed.

The video is dedicated in memory of the director's friend Udi Fogel, who last March was killed with members of his family in a terrorist attack in Itamar.

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Make Your Own Hamantaschen With the Forverts' Yiddish Chefs

It's almost Purim and it's time to bake your own hamantaschen with Rukhl Schaechter and Eve Jochnowitz, the Yiddish-speaking and bantering chefs of Forverts, the Yiddish (and original) version of the Jewish Daily Forward. 

We've posted just about every one of their cooking videos over the last few years, which tend to coincide with the onset of Jewish holidays throughout the year.

In today's episode, the Yiddish chefs are wearing Purim costumes as they bake apricot and poppyseed (mohn) hamantaschen from scratch. The 16-minute video includes a short commercial for Cherry Heering and Coffee Heering liqueurs, in which two clown-costumed mixologists conjure up Cherry Seinfeld and Coffee Anan drinks.

We usually pick up a few new Yiddish words from these videos, but maybe we've seen so many of them that most of the Yiddish doesn't seem new. But we did find a good new one: How do you say rolling pin in Yiddish?  Volgerholtz!  Enjoy the video and enjoy the hamantaschen!

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Jewish Traces in Unexpected Places: Chinese Jews Return to Israel

The first Jews arrived in Kaifeng, one of the capitals of imperial China, over a thousand years ago, when Jewish merchants from Persia settled in the area.

At its height, in the Middle Ages, Kaifeng’s Jewish community numbered as many as 5,000 people, with rabbis, synagogues and various communal institutions.

But assimilation eventually began to take its toll. The last rabbi of Kaifeng died two centuries ago, and by the middle of the 19th century, the community was forced to sell the synagogue, Torah scrolls and its other remaining assets.

Until today, however, there are between 500 and 1,000 identifiable descendants of the Jewish community, and in recent years an awakening has been taking place among them, as increasing numbers of young Kaifeng Jews seek to reclaim their heritage.

In October 2009, seven young men making aliyah were interviewed at Ben Gurion airport together with three of their friends who made aliyah four years earlier. These descendants of the Kaifeng Jewish community were helped in finding their new home in Israel by Shavei Yisrael, an organization that strives to extend a helping hand to all members of the extended Jewish family and to all who seek to rediscover or renew their link with the people of Israel.

Enjoy!

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(A tip of the kippah to Sheila Zucker for sharing this video with us)

Stern College Eating Lecture and Giant Hamantasch Brings Kobayashi (and Men) to Campus

When the Chemistry Club of Yeshiva University's Stern College for Women sponsored a talk on the science of eating by competitive eating world champion Takeru Kobayashi, they got a bonus: more men than women in the audience. We don't know the actual numbers involved, but from the photos posted on the YU web site and also on the JTA blog, it appears that the event attracted a plurality of young men. 

As reported in the blog YU News:

Takeru Kobayashi, world-renowned competitive eating champion, shared tips, tricks and stories from his professional career with Yeshiva University students on the Wilf Campus on February 23.

At an event organized by YU’s Stern College for Women Chemistry Club, Kobayashi discussed training techniques and health concerns involved in the competitive eating process. He also emphasized the importance of mindful eating. “I’m a competitive eater but also a foodie,” said Kobayashi. “I enjoy food more than the average person. When I’m not competing, I like to focus on the atmosphere and the taste and texture of food.”

As a college student, Kobayashi stumbled on his unique talent when a local restaurant held a contest to see who could eat the most curry rice. The prize: free curry rice. “I ate 5100 grams,” said Kobayashi, or more than 11 pounds. Not only did he win the free rice, but a friend nominated Kobiyashi for a televised competition in Japan that launched his career. Today, he holds Guinness world records for competitive eating in the hamburger, hot dog, meatball, pasta and Twinkie category, and won the Nathan’s Famous Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest an unprecedented six years in a row.

The night included a question-and-answer session with Kobayashi that covered everything from the champion’s favorite foods (yogurt and tofu) to the cultural differences between Japanese and American eaters (portion sizes). Students also grilled Kobayashi about his greatest challenge (a toss-up between eating cow brains and competing with a bear), his hero(Steven Greenberg, recently deceased manager of restaurant 230 Fifth), and the life lessons he has learned in the competitive eating arena.
 
“I’ve learned how important it is to enjoy the eating process,” said Kobayashi. “It’s such a natural part of being human. When you see someone who is very hungry finally taking that first bite—that’s a great thing.”

As the event drew to a close, Kobayashi helped students devour a massive hamantasch in honor of the upcoming holiday of Purim. Kobayashi donated his speaking fee from the event to Masbia, a nonprofit soup kitchen network and food pantry in New York City.

We don't know if it was the Stern women or the giant hamantasch that attracted the men, but it looks like everyone had a good time, and with Kobayashi in the room, we're sure that there was nothing left of the hamantasch. 

(A tip of the kippah to Sheila Zucker for bringing this story to our attention.)

Two Sides of Jackie Mason: Attacking Starbucks Coffee and Defending Israeli Settlers

Jackie Mason needs no introduction in the world of Jewish comedy. Everybody has seen his stand-up routines and everybody either loves him or hates him. Mason has made his reputation making fun of just about everything and everyone.

But there's a side of Jackie Mason that is not often seen, and that's his staunch defense of the State of Israel and the Jewish people. We had a chance to see that side in a video that he prepared for delivery last week at a benefit dinner for the new Gush Katif Museum in Israel.

As Elad Benari wrote for Israel National News,

More than 600 people attended this past Wednesday’s Gush Katif dinner in Crown Heights, New York.

The dinner was organized by the Gush Katif Museum in Jerusalem and was endorsed by a number of leading Jewish organizations including, Americans For a Safe Israel (AFSI) and The World Committee for the Land of Israel.

The Gush Katif Museum has undertaken the task of memorializing the history of Gush Katif, from the time of the Hasmoneans until the 2005 disengagement plan when residents were evicted from their homes.

The speakers at Wednesday’s dinner included former United States Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton, conservative media personality and ardent Israel supporter, Glenn Beck, Congressman Lee Terry of Nebraska, and comedian Jackie Mason.

We're sharing Mason's dinner speech below, but we couldn't resist including a classic Mason clip from a few years ago, where he rips into Starbucks "boint coffee," the Starbucks business concept, and the fools who wait in line to pay $4 or more for a cardboard cup of "boint coffee" and then work to clean up their mess while the Starbucks staff waits for their tips.  Enjoy!

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A London Kosher Hotel Receptionist Engages Guests in Religious Banter

(A NOTE TO OUR READERS: We regret that we had to remove the photo and film clip from this post because the filmmaker requested that we do so.)

And now for something completely different. How would you like to be a fly on the wall at a small kosher hotel in London's heavily Jewish Golders Green neighborhood?

A new cute video called My Kosher Shifts lets you play just such a role, watching the passing parade of Sheitel and Shtreimel wearers entering the hotel lobby and engaging in conversation with Iris, hotel's receptionist. Iris is a secular Hebrew-speaking Israeli native who enjoys small talk with mostly very orthodox guests who are checking in or asking for hotel services.

Some of the conversation centers around why women cover their hair and why they have to wear modest dress. While this description may sound mundane, the questions and answers offer some insight into cultural differences between orthodox and secular Jews.  

Iris Zaki, a graduate of London's Brunel University, won first prize with this film in the inaugural Open City London Documentary Festival in the My Street category, dedicated to finding the best short film about the maker's neighborhood or community.

The film was based on her experiences working as a receptionist at the Chasidic Jewish hotel shown in North London. The short film was made as part of her MA dissertation, and she hopes to gain funding to extend it into a feature length documentary.  Enjoy!

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Stephen Colbert's Solution to Proxy Baptism of Jews: Proxy Circumcision of Mormons

Many Jews have been offended by reports that the Mormon church has posthumously converted some 650,000 Jews to Mormonism by proxy baptism, including many Holocaust victims, the parents of Elie Wiesel, and Anne Frank (nine times.)

Last week, Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert came up with a typical Colbertian response. Why complain about these proxy conversions when an easier, more egalitarian solution is obvious? Proxy conversion of dead Mormons to Judaism. How? By proxy circumcision, of course. 

Here's the video clip of Colbert's solution.  Enjoy!

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The Hesder Boys from Sydney Check in With the First Purim Music Video

With Purim only 13 days away, we're eagerly awaiting the posting of Purim music videos from the best-known groups that have delighted viewers for the last couple of years. We're expecting new songs from the Maccabeats, the Fountainheads, and the folks at Aish.com.We're keeping an eye out for their new entries, and we'll bring them to you as soon as they surface.

Today we're posting the first music video of the Purim season that we've seen, and it comes from a new source, The Hesder Boys from Kollel Torah MiTzion in Sydney, Australia.

The Torah MiTzion Kollel program establishes centers for the study of Torah and promulgates the connection between Torah and Israel. These learning centers take the form of a Beit Midrash in which Torah scholars immerse themselves in study and practice of successes in enriching and enhancing Jewish communities around the world by promoting the lofty ideals of Torat Israel, Am Israel and Eretz Israel.

 

The core of these Kollelim are young, recent graduates of the Hesder Yeshivot, where advanced Jewish study is combined with military service in the Israeli army. Idealistic and dedicated, these learned young men and women are carfully selected and brought from Israel for a period of one or two years to serve as role models of the kipah seruga (knitted kippa) generation of Religious Zionism, balancing between safra v'sayfa (book and sword) and performing both midrash u'ma'aseh (study and action).

And, they can sing, too.  Enjoy!

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Purim Countdown Begins: How Israel Celebrates Purim

Purim is just two weeks away, so we're starting a countdown to the joyous holiday that occurs this year on Wednesday night, March 7. We'll have a bunch of videos, musical numbers, parade videos, and just plain fun during the next two weeks.

Let's start off with a view of how Israel celebrates Purim. This video is a good example of how everyone gets a little goofy in the streets of Jerusalem,Tel Aviv, and other cities. Elswhere in the world, adults and children dress in costume, but the exuberance is largely contained within the walls of a synagogue or Jewish Community Center. That's not the case in Israel, where much of the action takes place in the city streets.

Enjoy!

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Comedy Showcase: David Moore on Jewish Baseball Cards

Spring is in the air and so is talk about the start of the baseball season. Spring training is just a few days away. We don't know how many Jewish baseball players will be on the field this year, but we thought the timing was right to share a bit of stand-up comedy that David Moore delivered a few years ago at Carolines in New York City.

David Moore is an experienced senior operating executive and transactional entrepreneur with a strong background in direct marketing and service businesses.  Throughout his career, he has held a wide range of leadership and board positions in public, private and not-for-profit organizations. 

In addition to his professional and charitable activities, David is a professional stand-up comedian and he lectures on the subject of using humor as a leadership and motivational tool.  He is the creator and producer of “Funny Business,” and “The Blue Blazer Comedy Tour” a series of sold out comedy shows featuring business themed comedy.  He has headlined at Caroline’s on Broadway and in the New York Comedy Festival, and been featured at The Friar’s Club, Stand-Up New York, and the Comic Strip in New York City, the Improv in Los Angeles and Bocanuts in Boca Raton, Florida.

In this clip, David talks about the 142 Jewish baseball players who appear on baseball cards. Besides Sandy Koufax and Hank Greenberg, how many would you recognize?  Enjoy!

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Irving Fields, Miami Beach Rhumba Composer, Still Entertaining with Hava Nagila at Age 96

Sixty-five years ago, Composer/Songwriter and legendary lounge performer Irving Fields, wrote his first big hit song, Miami Beach Rhumba. It sold two million copies. Now, 80 albums later at age 96, Fields has a new hit that he composed for YouTube. What's it called? YouTube Dot Com, of course.

Irving Fields was born Isadore Schwartz on August 4, 1915 on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. He began playing the piano at the age of 8. At the age of 15, he won the Fred Allen Radio Amateur Hour and was given a week engagement at the Roxy Theater. 

He attended the Eastman School of Music and while working on a cruise chip to San Juan, he became hooked on Latin rhythms. While in the army, he performed in the Special Services. He was signed to RCA as the Irving Campos Trio (Campos means “Fields” in Spanish) and began a prolific recording career -- his 80 albums include Bagels and Bongos, Champagne and Bongos, and Bikinis and Bongos. 

Irving has played at Carnegie Hall, Symphony Hall, the London Palladium, the Roxy Theater, and the Eddie Cantor show in Las Vegas, and has appeared on the Milton Berle, Kate Smith, and Jackie Gleason shows. 

The Idelsohn Society for Music Preservation released his “Bagels and Bongos” in 2005. Irving has played at Joe’s Pub in NYC, the Mazeltov, Mis Amigos show at Lincoln Center, and the Jews on Vinyl Revue at the Contemporary Jewish Museum in San Francisco. 

In the 60s, he returned to New York to begin a solo lounge career, including at 16 year stint at the Sheraton and 8 years at the Plaza and continued to release numerous recordings. Irving still plays at Nino’s Tuscany in New York five days a week and is always composing new songs.

Here are some classic Irving Fields videos: The original Miami Beach Rhumba with his trio, playing a rousing version of Hava Nagila at Nino's Tuscany restaurant, the debut of You Tube Dot Com with musician Josh Dolgin, and a clip from the Idelsohn Society Digital Archive with Fields revealing his secrets of longevity.  Enjoy!

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Delta Airlines Gets Punked With Prank Call and Learns Middle East Geography

Last week Delta Airlines learned a Middle East geography lesson the hard way -- by callers challenging its use of the term "Occupied Palestinian Territory" as one of its international destinations, and by being the butt of a prank phone call that's going viral on YouTube.

It seems that for an unknown period of time, Delta was listing Occupied Palestinian Territory as a destination for members of its SkyMiles frequent flyer program. When the Jerusalem Post contacted Delta for clarification, Delta immediately removed the term from their website.

As Ben Hartman wrote in the Jerusalem Post,

A media relations official from the company said "the phrase was mistakenly posted to our web site and immediately removed when brought to our attention."

It does not appear that the wording was intentionally used in order to attract customers who would not like to read the word "Israel" when booking a holiday, as Israel can clearly be seen in the list of destinations as well.

The Palestinian territories have no operational airport. The Yassir Arafat International Airport outside Gaza City, which opened in 1998, has remained closed since it was destroyed by the Israel Defense Forces in 2001, shortly after the outbreak of the Second Intifada.

But the removal of the incorrect geographical reference didn't stop a prank caller from taping a conversation he had with a Delta sales agent and spreading it over the internet on YouTube.

In the prank call, "Ahmed" tries to buy tickets for a trip to the Occupied Palestinian Territories for himself and his "four wives ranging in age from 13 to 47" from a flustered customer service representative.  Because there are no operational airports in the Palestinian Territories (occupied or not), the only airports the agent can suggest are Tel Aviv and Amman, with funny consequences. Enjoy!

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(A tip of the kippah to Sheila Zucker for pointing us to this story.)

"Verplanck" - First Kosher Comedy Series Debuts on the Internet

They're named Avi, Feishy, Mitch and Yechiel Michel Raphael Menachem (yep, that's his name), and they have big plans to build a new Orthodox Jewish community in Verplanck, an actual city in upstate NY with just a few hundred residents. The town locals have no clue what Orthodox Judaism or these newcomers are about.

That's the story line behind "Verplanck", the new web comedy series that debuted with 3 episodes (4th coming soon) that follow the exploits of four heroes as they embark on a journey to create a new religious Jewish community away from it all. These urban dwellers plan to leave the high-priced, bustling city behind and move to the boonies where they face new challenges with camaraderie, determination and plenty of humor.

The main characters represent a multifaceted group of Orthodox Jews who, in real life, might have little to do with each other. So, they reason, what better way to promote Jewish unity than to build a new community from scratch? This likable core group of characters includes Mitch, who might be labeled as "left-center Orthodox"; Avi, representing the "right-center"; Feishy, the chassid; and Yechiel Michel Raphael Menachem, the yeshivish (hareidi) guy who insists on using all four of his names.

Why the need for a kosher comedy series?

 

Mechel Lieber, one of the creators of "Verplanck," said that when it comes to music or reading, there is much available for an Orthodox audience, but clean, kosher video for teens and adults is almost an untouched medium. "Yes, there are serious challenges when it comes to creating video entertainment," he said. "Nevertheless, the shortage of professional-quality, kosher video has left an enormous segment of the Jewish population turning almost exclusively to non-Jewish sources for entertainment. The results are very detrimental to our nation. Even the ‘best’ things available today from Hollywood don't meet minimum modesty requirements, and mostly promote ideologies at odds with Torah. There is little out there for a Jewish person to watch that's entertaining, with a positive message within Jewish moral guidelines."

Lieber and the rest of his "8Lasoat" [Heb. “Now is the time to act”] production team see the show as a kosher venue for entertainment for Jewish people. The content will always be appropriate. No parental supervision necessary. The show has very specific guidelines which were developed to conform to Jewish Law - regarding dress code and other issues.

 

The show will nibble at serious issues affecting the Jewish world. Its humorous scenes will examine the clashes between the various ideologies within Jewish Orthodoxy, as well as the Orthodox Jew’s inter-relationships with his non-religious brethren and non-Jews. The show can be best categorized as a “dramedy” -- a blend of drama and comedy.

  

Lieber invites viewers to watch the first three episodes (best to view them in order) here bellow or on their website, www.NoKosherMeat.com.

We watched the three episodes and found that while the first two seemed to drag in spots and tested our patience, the third episode touched on some interesting topics and conflicts between the Jewish stereotypes represented and their relationships with the outside community. We're looking forward to the next episodes. Enjoy!

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Responding to a Call to Join a Minyan at 35,000 Feet: A Creative Approach

We just returned from a wonderful three week trip to Israel. Reflecting on the trip, it occurred to us that some of the funniest and memorable aspects took place not at the Western Wall, the Dead Sea, or the Tel Aviv Opera, but on the El Al plane coming and going.

Bargaining with a supervisor to drive the cost of traveling with overweight luggage from a starting quote of $70 to a negotiated $25 surcharge, insisting on (and getting) another seat when our seatmate turned out to be a cat in a wire cage, and elbowing our way past a few spontaneous minyanim (prayer quorums) blocking access to the bathrooms were just part of the local color, as any El Al traveler will confirm.

The insistence of so many men on praying with a minyan is surprising, given the opinions of leading rabbis that it is preferable to pray standing in one's seat or even sitting, lest the minyan interfere with the sleep of other passengers.

Sometimes a group of fewer than ten men will tap a seated passenger to ask them to join the minyan, which may or may not be a welcome gesture, depending on whether the tapped passenger wants to participate or not, or just wants to sleep.  Here's a photo of a sleeping passenger who found a creative way to send a message to a potential tapper. It says in Yiddish: Ich hob shoin gedavent (I davened already.)

Comedy Showcase: Joel Chasnoff on Foreign Languages

We've featured stand-up comic Joel Chasnoff a few times on Jewish Humor Central. Most of his routines are about Jewish holidays and funny aspects of yeshiva education and Jewish camps. Here's something a little different as Joel carries on about foreign languages, mainly Dutch and Chinese.

Joel Chasnoff is not your grandfather’s Jewish comedian. With humor that’s clever, sharp, and never degrading, Joel’s comedy is a one hundred-eighty-degree turn from the Borscht Belt comics of old. Audiences across the spectrum, from students at College of the Holy Cross to U.S. Marines stationed at Okinawa to the rebbes of Lubavitch Yeshivah Flatbush find Joel’s comedy smart, witty, and—most importantly—hilarious.

A native of Evanston, Illinois, Joel made his stage debut at age 10, when he played the King of Siam in the Solomon Schechter day school Hebrew version of The King and I. Nine years later, Joel tried stand-up for the first time when he performed a thirty-minute set at Smokey Joe’s on the University of Pennsylvania campus. The next two summers, Joel was as an on-field performer with the Philadelphia Phillies in a fruitless attempt to entertain 40,000 of the world’s heaviest drinking sports fans. 

After graduating from Penn, Joel served as a tank gunner in the Israel Defense Forces. Joel’s memoir, The 188th Armored Brigade, is a brash and gritty depiction of his year in combat that Kirkus Reviews calls “Horrifyingly hilarious.” 

Joel’s comedy is a smart mix of personal anecdotes and keen observational humor, centered around the theme of the absurdity of modern American life. When he’s not on tour, Joel teaches stand-up comedy at the 92nd Street Y in Manhattan.

Enjoy!

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