Orthodox Jewish Boxer and Bar Mitzvah Boy In Battle For Yankee Stadium Turf

A headline on the sports page of The New York Times yesterday read "Bar Mitzvah May Complicate Plans for a Bout in the Bronx."  It could just as easily have read "Bout May Complicate Plans for a Bar Mitzvah in the Bronx."  It all depends on your point of view.

Oy, what a mess.  Two trains on the same track are heading for a collision in Yankee Stadium on the night of June 5!  It seems that the lead bond lawyer for the financing of the new stadium reserved the stadium and use of the giant scoreboard in center field for that night, and the Yankees are also negotiating with boxing promoter Bob Arum for a big bout the same night.

The main event would feature Yuri Foreman, the World Boxing Association’s 154-pound champion, against Miguel Cotto.  That is, unless you're not a boxing fan and think that the real main event is the Bar Mitzvah reception for the son of lawyer Jonathan Ballan.

So what's the problem?  Foreman is an Orthodox Jew and rabbinical student and the bout is scheduled for Saturday night, after Shabbat.  Because Shabbat ends at a late hour in June, the promoters plan for the boxing match to start at 11:30 pm.  By then, the Bar Mitzvah should be in full swing, and a conflict could arise if the scoreboard flashes baby pictures of the Bar Mitzvah boy when the crowd expects boxing-related information.

Writing in the Times, Ken Belson reports:

Foreman, an observant Jew, has a large following in New York. His fight would not begin before 11:30 p.m., so the Foreman fans who are Orthodox could get to the stadium after the Sabbath ends at sunset.

The Yankees are negotiating with Ballan and expect to reach an agreement by the end of this week. The price of the bar mitzvah is at issue, Arum said.

To sweeten the deal, Arum offered everyone in the bar mitzvah party seats for the fight. Foreman has agreed to meet the bar mitzvah boy in his dressing room before the fight. Arum said the Yankees would give the bar mitzvah boy and his friends autographed baseballs. In effect, the most powerful team in professional sports and the country’s most prominent boxing promoter are negotiating with a bar mitzvah boy.

“The bar mitzvah saga continues,” Arum said.

And so does the boxing saga of Yuri Foreman as he fights his way to the welterweight title.
To get some insight into the world of Yuri Foreman, boxer and rabbinical student, check out the video below.


(A tip of the kippah to Richard Latkin for calling our attention to this story.)

Purim Parody At Its Best Is Coming To The 92Y Tribeca with The Shushan Channel Purim Show Feb. 28

The Shushan Channel, a comedy troupe of writers and actors who make an appearance once every year at Purim time, will be holding forth for their eighth smash season at Purim Party 2010 on the 92Y Tribeca main stage on Saturday night, February 27, at 8 pm.  The Y building is at 200 Hudson Street in downtown Manhattan.

This year's parodies will include Persia Shore, Flight of the Conquereds, Glee-vey!, Glenn Beck, Harry Potter, and Facebook - ancient Persian style!

This creative and funny team are the ones who gave us Jewno and Meshugene Men, parodies of the movie Juno and the TV series Mad Men.  This year's skewering of Purim and pop-culture is headlined by Lizz Winstead, (co-creator of The Daily Show and creator of Shoot the Messenger) and features a cast from Broadway, VH-1 and Comedy Central, plus all-new hilarity from the writers behind The Daily Show, The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien and 30 Rock.  Featuring a special appearance by 30 Rock’s Scott Adsit, a video presentation by Joel McHale and a surprise message from a star of The Tonight Show.  The show is directed by Mike Shapiro.

Please note, Scott Adsit will be appearing at the 10pm performance only.

Tickets $20 in advance, $30 at the door.

To get an idea of the quality of Shushan Channel parody, check out their shtick in the videos below:  First, their Wolfman, DDS -- parody of current hit movie The Wolfman -- a promo for this year's Purim Night festivities with Saturday Night Live's Will Forte in a supporting role, and then their previous skits, Jewno and Meshugene Men, both wild hits on YouTube with hundreds of thousands of viewings.  Enjoy!

Wolfman, DDS

Jewno

Meshugene Men

(A tip of the kippah to Esther Kustanowitz's My Urban Kvetch for calling our attention to this show.)

A Joke To Start Your Day: Survival On a Lost Island

Sheldon and Marlene are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Four hours into the flight the captain suddenly announces over the public address system:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.  All of our engines have stopped and we have to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives".

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. No one is injured. An hour later Sheldon turns to his wife and asks, "Marlene, did we pay our charity pledge check to Ohev Kessef Synagogue yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds "not yet".

Sheldon, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Marlene, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"

"Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Marlene, did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Sheldon," begged Marlene. "I didn't send that one,
either."

Sheldon grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.
 

Marlene pulls away and asks him, " So, why did you kiss me?"
 

Sheldon answers ..... "They'll find us."

(A tip of the kippah to Burt Juda and the Jewish Jokes and Humor Yahoo Group)

Rabbi Yosef Decries Glass Breaking and Shouts of Mazal Tov at Weddings

Israel's former Chief Sephardic Rabbi has come out against one of the most joyful moments in the lives of newly married couples and everyone who joins them in celebration of their wedding -- the traditional breaking of the glass by the chatan (bridegroom) under the chuppah at the end of the wedding ceremony.  

Why is Rabbi Ovadia Yosef so upset with this aspect of the wedding ceremony?  Writing in Arutz Sheva (IsraelNationalNews.com,) David Lev reports:

Rabbi Yosef believes that the custom leads in many cases to "foolishness and lightheadedness," and does not elicit the proper reaction – and, if not for the weight of Jewish tradition, should be eliminated altogether.

The article continues:

Many less knowledgeable Jews, says Rabbi Yosef, are unaware of the roots of the custom. The breaking of the glass was originally instituted as a sign of mourning for the destroyed Holy Temple, and was meant to show that even at the times of our greatest joy, Jews did not forsake their homeland and heritage. But an article in Friday's edition of the Shas-affiliated Yom l'Yom newspaper analyzes Rabbi Yosef's viewpoint on the matter, and quotes him at length as being highly critical of the custom. 

Rabbi Yosef criticizes both guests, who cry out their good wishes for the happy couple right after the glass is broken – a most inappropriate reaction, given the reason for the custom – as well as the grooms, who often turn the glass-breaking ceremony into a contest of physical strength. "Many unknowledgeable people fill their mouths with laughter during the breaking of the glass, shouting 'mazal tov' and turning a beautiful custom meant to express our sorrow into an opportunity for lightheadedness."  

Most of the weddings that we've attended included an explanation of the glass breaking and someone singing Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim just before the breaking, with the guests joining in.  And none of these weddings were Sephardic.  Perhaps the custom that Rabbi Yosef  calls for has already been largely adopted, especially by Jews with a solid Jewish education and/or a connection with Israel.  

Here are a few glass breakings that we found on YouTube.   The first one does show a display of physical strength.  We suspect that Rabbi Yosef would approve of the second and third ones because they seem to meet all of his requirements.  Mazal Tov!!!

Clipart from Webweaver

How Do You Entertain Thousands of Satmar Chasidim? You Won't Believe This!

Last week in Williamsburg, thousands of Satmar chasidim attending the Sheva Brachot following the wedding of the grandson of the Satmar Rebbe were entertained by a pair of 20-year-old identical twins from France who are studying at 770 Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn, headquarters of the Lubavitcher chassidic movement.

Juggling, performing tricks with a unicycle, playing with fire, and jumping over a table, the pair kept their huge audience entranced for a 15 minute performance, all of which is shown in the two video clips below.  Mazal tov to the chatan and kallah!  Be happy...it's Adar!!!

Comedy Showcase: Meet Bernie Fursh and Sheba Mason, Stand-up Comedians Performing Next Week in Franklin Lakes, NJ

(Today is Rosh Chodesh Adar, and Adar is THE month for laughter and merriment.  As our sages say, Mishenichnas Adar Marbim B'Simcha -- When Adar arrives, we increase our joy.  And what better way to increase our joy than to get ready for Purim -- less than two weeks from today.  We'll be posting Purim parodies among our regular postings between now and the big day, February 28.) 

If you're anywhere near Franklin Lakes, New Jersey, next Saturday night, February 20th, and looking for an evening of hilarious comedy, you're in luck.

Stand-up Jewish comics Bernie Fursh and Sheba Mason will be on stage at Temple Emanuel of North Jersey, 558 High Mountain Road  in Franklin Lakes at 8 pm.

Bernie Fursh's refreshing comedic style makes audiences laugh at the clever twists and double entendres, known in his circles as  "Bernie-isms."  Bernie, aka Bernie Furshpan, was a finalist at the 2009 NYC Funniest Jewish Comedian Contest, and is a regular at Comic Strip Live, Caroline's Comedy Club and Gotham Comedy Club in New York City.

Joining Bernie on the comedy bill is Sheba Mason, yes, the daughter of legendary comedian Jackie Mason.  Sheba appears weekly at Stand Up New York, New York Comedy Club, Broadway Comedy Club, and Joe Franklin's Comedy Club.

Often compared to her father, the critics have said "her sardonic humor, reminiscent of Jackie Mason's sense of comedy, her impeccable timing and her inner ability to cause a roomful of people in a cabaret-style atmosphere to laugh at her shortcomings" was amazing.

Ticket prices are $30 in advance and $36 at the door.  For more information, call 201-560-0200.

For a preview of Sheba's stand-up routine, click on the video below.   Enjoy!

Did Coke Copy Its Super Bowl Ad From an Israeli Chocolate Milk Commercial?

One of the most popular TV commercials shown during last Sunday's Super Bowl game was Coca-Cola's depiction of a sleepwalker wandering through a desert landscape complete with wildlife, in search of a bottle of America's most popular drink.

Israelis watching the game couldn't help experiencing a strong sense of deja vu, because the ad was remarkably similar to one in Hebrew that has been running on Israeli TV for seven years.  But the Israeli version didn't advertise Coca-Cola.  It was a commercial for chocolate milk produced by Kibbutz Yotvata, which runs a very successful dairy business in Israel's Negev desert.

The whole affair could be attributed to coincidence, but the likelihood of two different commercials for two different products including a sleepwalker finding his way through a desert to reach a refrigerator containing the drink, while Ravel's Bolero is playing in the background, does stretch the imagination.

Reporting in The Jerusalem Post, Mark Rebacz writes:

According to Dr. Yaron Timmor, the head of the marketing communications program at the Interdisciplinary Center in Herzliya, ad copying is not a rare phenomenon. Many Israeli advertisements are partially or even overwhelmingly based on ideas from foreign ads, says Timmor.

But for an American ad from a company of the stature of Coca-Cola to be based on an Israeli ad would be “puzzling and strange,” he says.

“When a company is accused of copying ideas from an outside source, it attracts criticism from both the client and the public, who expect original and innovative ideas,” explains Timmor. “The need to copy usually stems from inferiority and a lack of creativity.”

Israel's Channel 2 covered this apparent copycat activity in a TV news story.  It's in Hebrew, but there are few English references and the content is pretty obvious even if your Hebrew is a little rusty.  Enjoy!

 
A tip of the kippa to Esther Kustanowitz for calling our attention to this story.

Bono, Rock Star and Activist, Visits Park East Synagogue and Day School

Bono, the Irish rock star and activist, paid a visit to the Park East Synagogue and Day School in Manhattan on January 31.

He was invited by Rabbi Arthur Schneier, founder of the synagogue, who, like Bono, has been active in fighting for human rights around the world.

Writing in IrishCentral.com, a website for the global Irish community, Cahir O'Doherty reported:

The pair developed a friendship through the work of the Appeal of Conscience Foundation, which was originally founded by Schneier in 1965. The foundation is an interfaith partnership of leaders from various worlds that is broadly similar to Bono's ONE organization, which has a wide variety of mandates related to international development and relief issues, including slowing the spread of HIV/AIDS and malaria. Bono was last seen with Rabbi Schneier when he attended the Appeal of Conscience Foundation’s Annual Gala Dinner in New York City last September.

“You know Bono as a great rock star,” remarked Rabbi Schneier in his introduction, “but he has made it his mission to fight poverty, hunger, injustice... wherever there is a cause requiring a humanitarian response, Bono is there.”

With a white kippa perched atop his head, Bono seemed overwhelmed by the jubilant welcome and said, looking at Schneier, "you've probably figured out who the real rock star is in this room."  He continued, "I'm so honored to be here.  My work as an activist is based on the idea that everybody is equal.  And this idea of equality -- you guys kind of invented it."

Bono is not the first non-Jewish celebrity to wear a white kippa at the Park East Synagogue.  In April 2008, Pope Benedict XVI made an appearance, also at the invitation of Rabbi Schneier.

After brief remarks reflecting on the Jewish people's flight from Pharaoh in Egypt, he sang a short a cappella version of I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, the U2 hit from the 1987 album, The Joshua Tree.  The audience enthusiastically joined in the chorus.

Here is a video showing Bono's welcome to the shul, remarks by the singer after being introduced by Rabbi Schneier, and the musical ending to the visit.

 
If the a cappella wasn't enough for you, here's a video of Bono and U2 singing the whole song at a concert in Milan in 2007.

Comedy Showcase: Meet Ari Teman, Stand-Up Comic, JCorps Founder, and "Hero of the Year"

Ari Teman has been doing stand-up comedy at clubs around the country and on TV. He is a frequent headliner and host at private benefits.

But that's not all.  Thousands of young Jewish adults have gotten into volunteering around the world thanks to Ari's leadership.  JCorps, which he founded two years ago and runs entirely as a volunteer, has fed over 21,000 meals to the hungry and visited hundreds of seniors and sick children in the USA, Israel, and Canada.

Last November Teman won the 'Hero of the Year' honor from the Jewish Community Heroes campaign at the General Assembly of the Jewish Federations of North America for his work with JCorps.

JCorps groups Jewish young adults of all denominations and from over 170 colleges and 450 companies together to help in hunger-relief, childrens hospitals, senior centers, and park and environmental projects. Events are on Sundays (Fridays in Israel) or week nights, are always free, and last for a few hours. It's a great way for kids to make friends while making a difference, and a great way for those excited after Birthright or college and seeking a way to connect to the Jewish community to do so in a safe, non-political, and non-denominational way.  JCorps is entirely independent of any organization. 

Here's a sample of Ari's stand-up comedy, as delivered recently at Yeshiva University.

Ambassador at (Very) Large: Arab Countries Reject Ambassador Because His Name Is an Unintended Sexual Reference

The Media Line, a non-profit news organization established to enhance and balance media coverage in the Middle East, has reported that one of Pakistan's most senior diplomats was rejected by three Arab countries as Pakistani ambassador because his Urdu name, when pronounced in Arabic, became an unspeakable and unprintable reference to the size of male genitals.

Writing in yesterday's edition, Benjamin Joffe-Walt said: 

Up until just over a month ago, His Excellency Miangul Akbar Zeb had lived an esteemed life as one of Pakistan's most senior diplomats.

Mr. Zeb has served as the ambassador of Pakistan to the United States, India and South Africa, the director general of Pakistan's Foreign Ministry and most recently was Pakistan's High Commissioner Designate to Canada.

But Mr Zeb's impressive career hit a hick-up when Pakistan recently decided to send the 55-year-old veteran diplomat to the Arab world, seemingly ignorant to the Arabic translation of the senior diplomat's name: 'Biggest Dick'.

A relatively common Muslim name, Akbar means 'biggest' or 'greatest' in Arabic. While Zeb is a common Urdu name, in Arabic it is a slang reference to the male genitals and not used in polite conversation.

Faced with an uncomfortable conundrum, it seems the unfortunate diplomat's Arab hosts felt that local references to 'His Excellency Biggest Dick' would not go over well.

According to the Arab Times, the United Arab Emirates refused to accredit Mr Zeb as ambassador. Undeterred, Pakistan then tried to send Mr Zeb to neighboring Bahrain instead, where the emissary was rejected again. Then, most recently, Pakistan tried sending Mr Zeb to Saudi Arabia, only to be rebuffed a third time.

None of the Gulf States have made a statement as to why Mr Zeb was refused accreditation.

In an attempt to be fair and balanced, we have to say that Urdu and Arabic are not the only languages that can be caught up in this type of situation.  It can also happen with Hebrew and English.  

One of the Zionist leaders of Israel in he 1880's was a scholar named Yechiel Michel Pines.  We Americans would pronounce his last name as we would a tree.  However, the correct pronunciation, as anyone who speaks Yiddish or comes from an Eastern European background should know, is the same as the aforementioned male body part.  But this pronunciation never got in the way of Pines' fame.

Pines was more than a founder and a scholar.  He is singularly responsible for the Hebrew word for tomato, agvania.  As previously reported in The Jewish Daily Forward,

It’s like this: As Hebrew was being revived as a spoken tongue in the late 19th century, an argument broke out between two of its great champions and rival word-coiners, Eliezer Ben-Yehuda and Yechiel Michel Pines. Ben-Yehuda wanted to call the tomato a badura, from Arabic bandura, which itself is from Italian pomodoro. Pines rejected that as non-Hebraic and came back with tapu’ah agavim, “love apple,” which he then shortened to agvaniya. To this, Ben-Yehuda countered, correctly arguing that the Hebrew verb agav meant to lust, not to love, and suggesting ahaviya, from the verb ahav, which really does mean “to love.” For whatever reason (perhaps lust seemed more treyf than love), agvaniya won out, and generations of Israelis have eaten lust apples ever since. What this has done to sex in the Jewish state remains a topic for further research.

So why do we have a graphic image of a tomato at the top of this blog post?  Simple!  Remember the old joke about a mohel?

A woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"And he says, "And what should I have in my window?" 

Finally, the ambassadorial name problem brings to mind a similar situation that was documented in the Monty Python film, The Life of Brian.  If you're a Python fan, you'll know the scene very well.  If not, the clip below is worth seeing.

A tip of the kippah to Judi Felber for calling our attention to this story.

Look For the Jewnion Label: United Hamantaschen Makers and Fressers Clothing Line Arrives Just In Time For Purim

A new line of clothing with funny mythical union logos is making an appearance just in time for Purim, which this year falls on Sunday, February 28.

Stacey and Joshua Abarbanel have designed a series of "Jewnion" labels imprinted on T-shirts, tote bags, and other apparel, including United Hamantaschen Makers and Fressers, International Order of Challah Makers, Union of Jewish Handymen (and Handywomen), and Benevolent Brotherhood of the B'rit Milah.

The actual origins of the union label began with the guilds of the middle ages, which were the ancestors of modern-day unions. Some time in the 15th century, the goldsmith guilds in England conceived the idea of a stamped-in hallmark on the articles of gold and silver.  This mark meant purity, quality and fine workmanship by responsible craftsmen.

Historically, European Jews were often denied access to the trade guilds and associations and land ownership.  These new mythical "Jewnions" would not exist without Jewish members.

The idea for the product line started with the Handymen idea.  Joshua Abarbanel grew up working summers doing maintenance for his grandfather's property management company, and in the process gained a lot of "handy" skills and found himself in rare company.  In many Jewish houses changing a light bulb is the extent of our handiness and for anything else the next step is "Call the handyman!"

Thus was born the mythical Union of Jewish Handymen, with the refrains "rare are those who are able" and "Repairing the world one lightbulb at a time."  It's a point of pride for those who really are handy, and a funny joke for those who aren't. The other lines grew from there, and there are more in the works.

We don't know if these "Jewnions" have the clout to get Congress to agree to special deals with regard to exemptions from taxes on health care as other unions have done recently, but considering the extreme value of hamantaschen and challah to the American economy, we suspect that they will be successful.

For more information, go to www.cafepress.com/JewnionLabel.

From NFL Super Bowl Champ to Shlomo, Lubavitcher Chasid and Motivational Speaker

Whether or not you watch the Indianapolis Colts battle the New Orleans Saints in Super Bowl XLIV at the Dolphin stadium in Miami today, here's a Super Bowl story that's sure to be interesting. 

Alan Veingrad, a non-observant Jewish football player from Miami who hadn't been to shul since his bar mitzvah a decade earlier, joined the Green Bay Packers in 1986 and played for them for five seasons, from 1986-1990, and two seasons for the Dallas Cowboys, 1991 and 1992, who won Super Bowl XXVII on January 31, 1993, playing in a total of 86 games.

Following the Super Bowl win, Veingrad retired from football back to Florida, where he rediscovered his Jewish roots and became an observant Jew affiliated with the Chabad-Lubavitch movement. He now uses his Hebrew first name, Shlomo, and travels around the country giving inspirational talks about his spiritual transformation.  As a motivational speaker, Veingrad uses sports metaphors to characterize his journey, and vividly relates the discipline of being a professional football player, to success in life. 

As Samuel G. Freedman writes in Friday's New York Times,

The story Mr. Veingrad tells in about 40 speeches a year attests to a ferociously competitive spirit. He started playing high school football as a teenage beanpole in Miami, could get a scholarship only from a Division II school, East Texas State, and was cut by his first two N.F.L. teams.

A full year later, he caught on with the Packers, beginning a six-year career with Green Bay and Dallas. From high school through the pros, he defied the odds with a rigorous program of weight training and a relentless study of technique.

In retirement, Mr. Veingrad brought a comparable focus and intensity to his emerging religious life, which was nurtured by Moshe Gruenstein, an Orthodox rabbi in South Florida, with whom he studied the Torah for eight years, and then by several Chabad rabbis.

Here's a short sports video report about Veingrad's career and transformation.  Enjoy!

 

Photos by Chabad

Gut Shabbes Vietnam: Looking For Jews In Ho Chi Minh City

Continuing our survey of new films, we found another film, a 52 minute uplifting documentary, that is making the rounds of Jewish Film Festivals around the country.  A clash of cultures and a smile of recognition are at its core. A young Israeli couple set out to the Far East – not an unusual occurrence in contemporary Israeli reality. But this couple and their baby are no ordinary pair. They are emissaries of the Chabad Movement who are sent to Vietnam - on a one-way ticket- to encourage and create a Jewish community there.

The encounter with the frantic and exuberant life in Ho Chi Minh City is a source for much confusion and amusement. The search for a real Jewish community in Vietnam is also a point of contention – as they soon discover that the local Jews are only marginally interested in a Jewish connection and many of them are married to locals. 

In the face of much uncertainty Rabbi Menachem and Racheli Hartman are able to overcome their apprehension toward their foreign environment because of a deep belief in the magnitude of their mission. And so their meeting with a new and strange culture challenges them in ways that are both touching and baffling.

Menachem and Racheli arrive in Vietnam in the weeks leading up to Rosh Hashanah – the Jewish New Year. Frantic to have everything set up before the holiday begins; the couple embarks on an anxious journey to acquaint themselves with the local customs, while maintaining their own strict adherence to Jewish law. 

One of their chief challenges is finding the local Jews and persuading them to then attend religious services. The Jewish community in Vietnam is an eclectic mixture of ex-Israelis and Jews from other parts of the world who have little identification with their heritage. And so - as their worried families back home follow their acclimation from a far – Racheli and Menachem undertake the work of "bringing the Messiah."

So if you happen to be in Savannah next  Wednesday, February 10, drop in to the Jewish Educational Alliance and see this film.  Our California readers can find the film in La Jolla at the David and Dorothea Garfield Theatre on Thursday, February 18.  As for the rest of us, we'll have to be satisfied with the clip below, and watch our local newspapers for announcements of local showings.
 

"A Matter Of Size" - New Comedy About Israelis Who Discover Sumo Wrestling

Jewish film festivals are popping up all over the country, from Maine to Savannah to San Diego, and all over the world.  We'll keep an eye on them and report on films that we believe Jewish Humor Central readers will enjoy.  For starters, here's a preview of a new film from Israel, A Matter of Size.

Herzl (Itzik Cohen) is and always has been overweight. Newly unemployed, living at home with his mother in Ramla and banished from his weight-loss program, he finds himself washing dishes in a Japanese restaurant. There, he is introduced to sumo wrestling. The sport, where size is an asset, transforms Herzl. 

With a few large friends, he pursues his new found passion, which transforms all of their lives and gives them an entirely new perspective on life. A Matter of Size is a comedy about a coming out of a different kind -- overweight people learning to accept themselves and be accepted. The film has adult themes and sexual content. 

Watch for this film at a Jewish Film Festival or a theater near you.  If you're a Netflix subscriber, you can add it to you queue and get it when the DVD is released.  In the meantime, enjoy the trailer!

What If Oceanic 815 Had Been El Al 815? How Would LOST Be Different?

Coinciding with the start of the last season of LOST, Ami Eden, JTA's Editor-in-Chief, published a speculative piece yesterday which whetted our appetite for Purim parodies, a medium which Jewish Humor Central's Blogger-in-Chief has cultivated over the years.

The article, titled What if it had been an El Al plane that crashed on ‘Lost’?, posed a series of alternate plot lines and details that the JTA staff imagined would come into play if the plane that crashed on the island was not an Oceanic flight, but an El Al flight loaded with passengers who typically fly on Israel's national airline.

Here is the JTA list of what would be different about the LOST series, followed by our own extended list of "What ifs."

• In the first place, the plane would have never crashed because the pilots would have been able to perform evasive maneuvers. But if it had…
• Jack would not have been the only doctor.
• John Locke would have been named Yeshayahu Leibowitz.
• Sayid would have never made it on to the plane.
• Instead of his makeshift radio, some of the Israeli passengers would have set up a high-speed Internet link.
• Some Lubavitcher would have shown up before long to open up a Chabad house.
• There would be more than just one recklessly driven, German-made vehicle on the road.
• The existence of a nuclear weapon on the island would never have been acknowledged.
• Gratuitous shots of Kate in her underwear would be replaced by quick peeks of haredi women sans sheitels.
• The island would suddenly have attracted the attention of the entire world, with the U.N. accusing the passengers of illegally occupying territory and using disproportionate force to fend off attacks by the Others.
• The back fuselage was what stayed intact, so all the people davening in the back would have made it. Breakaway minyan, anyone?

Here are our additions to the list:

• The temple wouldn't be the only one on the island.  The passengers would have built at least one more -- the one they wouldn't be caught dead in.
• The pool which the Others use to revive the dead would be converted into a mikvah.
• There would be lots of tefilin which Dr. Jack Shephard could use as tourniquets.
• Ben would be revealed as Jacob's son, and he would have 11 brothers.
• When the cache of food was found in the hatch, there would have been a big kiddush.
• Instead of pushing the button every 108 minutes, it would be every 613 minutes.
• There would be dozens of new settlements all over the island.
• All of the houses and hatches on the island would have mezuzot.
• Instead of a bad black smoke monster, there would be a good white pillar of cloud leading the Losties by day, and a pillar of fire by night.

• Instead of finding the Black Rock, the British trading ship on the island, they would have found the remains of Noah's Ark, which would explain the presence of polar bears and any other unexpected wildlife.
• Someone would have used gematria to figure out that the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 add up to 108 which in gematria is the hebrew word avka, or powder, a reference to the gray powder which is sprinkled around Jacob's house to keep Smokey away.
• The gematria man would also find that adding 815 (the flight number) and 6 (as in The Oceanic Six who returned to the mainland) gives the number 821 which in Hebrew spells Ahasuerus, the king in the Purim story, a reminder that Purim is less than a month away.

• There would be signs all over the island saying Na Nach Nachm Nachman.

Conservative Rabbis Fighting The Battle Of The Bulge

Last month we reported that the Israel Defense Forces are waging a war against rugelach and bourekas, which are causing an epidemic of chubbiness among officers who attend meetings where these weapons of destruction have been served.  The Israeli cabinet has also been fighting this battle.

Now comes word that Conservative rabbis in America are under orders to shape up, too.  The Rabbinical Assembly has launched The Shalem Campaign to encourage its members to "adopt healthy eating, exercise and lifestyle habits."  

The RA says it's the first time a rabbinic organization has issued a fitness challenge.  Shalem is the Hebrew word meaning “whole,” and the philosophy of The Shalem Campaign is holistic and also reflects core Jewish principles, organizers say.

According to a JTA article,

Rabbis Lisa Gelber and Aaron Gaber, co-chairs of The Shalem Campaign, said in a letter to their colleagues, "As rabbis, we are in a unique position to model for our communities, whether we work in a traditional congregational setting, a school, a hospital, an agency -- wherever we find our calling -- what it means to make fitness a part of our daily (or weekly) lives.

This means making mindful decisions about how, when and where we'll exercise; envisioning physical fitness as a personal and professional need, we commit to creating more balance in our bodies and our lives. Improving our behaviors in relation to fitness, we take responsibility for what we can control in our lives and practice letting go of what comes with our genes.

"Our tradition reminds us, kol areivim zeh ba zeh, we are all responsible for one another," the letter continues. "For many, thinking about exercise is hard enough; when we know someone else is rooting for us to reach our goal (whether that be losing 10, 20, or 30 pounds; walking one block a day; training for the Hazon bike ride; or participating in our future grandchildren's b'nai mitzvah), it's easier to attend to our exercise plan." 

So who's next?  We haven't heard anything like this yet from the organization of Reform rabbis or any of the numerous organizations of Orthodox rabbis.  But at least one Orthodox rabbi seems to have beaten all of his colleagues to the punch.  Reb Moshe Steinerman of Tzfat, a Breslover chasid, can be seen below on a YouTube video doing weightlifting and bench presses and hitting the treadmill since December 2007, all the while saying the Sh'ma and exhorting viewers to do more mitzvot.  He says it's important to take care of your body as well as your soul, and that working out will enable you to lift heavy books, like gemaras.

 

A Classic Joke To Start The Week: Israeli Fighter Jet

Jewish holliday reminder:  Tu B'Shvat has come and gone.  Purim is four weeks away, and Passover is eight weeks away.  So for the next two months some of our jokes will focus on these upcoming holidays.  Here's a classic to get you in the mood for Pesach.

An engineer gets a contract to build a new jet fighter for the Israeli air force.  He builds the plane, but on its first practice run, both wings fall off in flight.  Same thing happens the second flight, and the third.  Deeply distraught, the engineer goes to his rabbi for solace.  The rabbi hears the story and gives the engineer some advice:  Drill a line of holes on the top and the bottom of each wing, right where it connects with the fuselage.  Do that, the rabbi says, and you won't have a problem.

The engineer thinks this is crazy, but he is desperate.  So he does what the rabbi said, and, sure enough, the wings stay on.  Elated, the engineer goes back to the rabbi and asks how he knew this would work. 

"Listen, son.  I've been in this business 50 years.  I have attended 50 Passover seders.  And let me tell you, not once have I seen a matzo break at the perforation." 

A tip of the kippah to Washington Post columnist Gene Weingarten for this version of the classic joke.

Comedy Showcase: Meet Joel Chasnoff -- Stand-up Comedy In English and Hebrew

Not too many stand-up comics can deliver a set of jokes on late-night television shows in English and in Hebrew, too.  Joel Chasnoff has shown that he can deliver on both counts.

Chasnoff interrupted his career as a comedian to enlist in the Israel Defense Forces for a year.  His new book describing his experiences, The 188th Crybaby Brigade, will be published on February 9.

The book is a hilarious coming-of-age tale in which Chasnoff takes readers into the barracks, across international borders, over, under, and through political fences, and face-to-face with the absurd reality of life in the Israeli Army.

The lone American in a platoon of 18-year-old Israelis, Chasnoff finds himself caught in a twilight zone-like world of baby-faced officers, diabolical sergeants, and teenage Israeli mama’s boys who feign injuries to get out of guard duty and claim diarrhea to avoid kitchen work. And all while Joel’s relationship with his tough-as-nails Israeli girlfriend (herself a former drill sergeant) crumbles before his very eyes.

You can see him in New York at the Yeshiva University Seforim Sale performing stand-up comedy on Wednesday, February 10 and reading from his new book on Saturday night, February 13.  He will also appear in Boca Raton on Wednesday, February 24 at the Hillel Day School.

Here are a few samples of Chasnoff's comic routines.  First, his experience getting his tefillin inspected at an airport (yes, this was a few years ago, before the tefillin incident last week aboard a Louisville-bound flight.) 

Tu B'Shvat Around The World: Groundhog Day Reflections, A Walk Through Mahane Yehuda Market, Belz Chasidim Apple Toss and Shoving Match (Where's Waldo?)

Chag Sameach!  Tonight and tomorrow we celebrate Tu B'Shvat.  As we commented earlier this week, this least known Jewish holiday is really fun.  No prohibitions that we know of, only eating, drinking, reciting a Tu B'Shvat Haggadah.  Seems like a great way to get ready for Purim, only one month away, and Pesach, only two months away.

Surfing the web, we found some fun ways that Tu B'Shvat is celebrated around the world and we'd like to share them with you.

Singer/songwriter Carol Boyd Leon reflects on the timing of Tu B'Shvat and Groundhog Day - on the hopes for spring expressed as Americans gather in Punxatawney, PA to see if the groundhog won't see its shadow, and hopes for new growth as Israelis plant seedlings.

Her song Groundhog Noses was recorded in 2004 on her Gan Shirim (A Garden of Songs) double album which includes 70 original songs that teach about Jewish holidays, values and more through fun.   

To get in the holiday spirit as we buy dates, figs, and nuts from our local supermarket, let's take a stroll through Jerusalem's Mahane Yehuda market and see what is probably the world's biggest display of Tu B'Shvat delicacies.

Last year, at Belz headquarters, what looks like thousands of chasidim gathered for a Tu B'Shvat tish with their rebbe.  The scene, posted on YouTube, shows the rebbe at a table in the center of the large hall.  Throngs of followers sit in the bleachers, grabbing apples and other food thrown at them from the floor below. (Where's Waldo?  He's really in the photo -- can you find him?)  

Check out the video below for some good apple catches and a shoving match (at 2:40 in the 6:18 minute video) between some of the participants.
 

Israelis Caught Posing As Maori Tribesmen To Entertain New Zealand Tourists

Israelis living in New Zealand, vacationing backpackers, and trained dancers have been impersonating Maori tribesmen and performing their war chants to entertain tourists on ships arriving in New Zealand.

Instead of employing Maori, the tour company Discovery Heritage Group, based in the North Island city of Tauranga, paid resident Israelis, backpackers visiting from Israel and France and trained Israeli dancers to dress up in feathered robes, draw tattoos in pen on their faces and go aboard cruise ships when they pulled into the North Island port of Tauranga.

The tour operator's deception was caught, and it has been banned from the Port of Tauranga after rival companies complained it hired foreign workers to wear traditional Maori dress.

Writing in the New Zealand Herald, Anna Rushworth says:

Company director Terina Puriri said she employed a range of nationalities, including French and Israelis, because local Maori were not willing to promote their heritage.

Port of Tauranga commercial manager Graeme Marshall said the group was removed because of a security breach. "The representation of who came through the gate into the port did not match up with their identification."
But, even with the correct paperwork, the group may not be allowed back.

The other issues ... to be taken into account would be the authenticity of what they're representing," said Marshall, who feared the port could receive "international condemnation" if non-Maori were representing Maori culture.  Using non-Maori posing as Maori was an insult to Maori nationwide, he said.

Maoris haven't been going to war for a long time, but their fierce chant and dance has found its way onto the rugby field, where the New Zealand team, called the All Blacks, perform it at their games.  Israeli rugby players have adopted the chant.  The All Blacks name comes from the all-black uniforms the team started wearing in 1905.

If you haven't seen the Maoris perform the Haka, their traditional war dance and chant, it's worth seeing.  Following is a video clip of a performance for tourists in New Zealand.   We don't know if any of these are Israelis, but just below is another clip of Israelis practicing the Haka to scare off their opponents on a rugby field in Eilat.