Passover Countdown: Experience the Exodus in 7 Minutes

(Although most of our posts are intended to be funny or show an aspect of humor in Jewish happenings in the news, occasionally we like to post something that's not necessarily funny but gives us a warm feeling and some Yiddishe nachas, as we say on our masthead.  As we approach the first seder -- less than three weeks from today, let's imagine that we are personally experiencing the Exodus from Egypt.)

In each and every generation, a person is obligated to regard himself as though he actually left Egypt. As it says: "You shall tell your son on that day, 'It is because of this that God took me out of Egypt.' " (Exodus 13:8)

The Haggadah is the narrative of the Exodus, and we use it each year to recount the miracles that happened when our ancestors were liberated from Egyptian bondage.  But it's hard to put ourselves into the picture and keep that picture vivid in our minds as we settle into our pillowed chairs around the table with our loved ones, exhausted from all the preparations, cleaning, shopping, and cooking that have become as emblematic of the holiday as its origins and rationale.

To get in the mood and appreciate just why we are going through all this effort, it's worthwhile spending seven minutes immersing ourselves in the video below.  It's a reminder of what this month of preparing for the sedarim is all about.  The montage is taken from a TV series a few years ago and the background music is by Vangelis, who wrote the music for Chariots of Fire.  We hope you enjoy this interlude, and tomorrow it's back to funny stuff.

Jamaica Highlights Jewish Pirates and Jewish Reggae in Bid For Jewish Tourists

When you think of Jamaica (the Caribbean island, not the Queens neighborhood) you probably don't think of Jewish pirates or Jewish reggae artists, but after reading the front page article in yesterday's Wall Street Journal, we found enough connections to make these associations come to life.

In January, 200 academics, genealogists, and history buffs attended a conference on Jewish-Caribbean history in Kingston, Jamaica's capital.  Also present were editors of Jewish newspapers, including The Jewish Standard, who reported on their experiences at the conference.

Tourism officials on the island are eager to play up the Jewish connections in the hope that they will attract many Jewish visitors.  While signs of Jewish presence are visible in the form of  a synagogue, school, and a cemetery, it's still difficult to find kosher food.  Kingston's Hillel school, which runs on a Jewish calendar has 750 students, but only about 20 are Jewish.  The synagogue has no rabbi, and the Jewish community numbers only 200 people.  But then again, there are the pirates and the reggae, which makes them unique among Jewish communities.

As Tamara Audi reports in the Wall Street Journal,

Jamaica may have claim to one unusual historical chapter: Jewish pirates. Among them: Moses Cohen Henriques, who attacked Spanish ships loaded with silver, according to Edward Kritzler's Jewish Pirates of the Caribbean.

Mr. Kritzler, who attended the conference, is an American who has been in Jamaica on and off since the late 1960s. He's fond of wearing a Star of David pendant over shirts studded with skull and crossbones.

Many Jewish pirates, he writes, were "secret Jews" who converted to Catholicism in name only to survive the Inquisition, then fled to the Caribbean.

In the video below, Kritzler stands among the gravestones in a Jamaica cemetery with a group of tourists and relates the history of how some of the Jewish traders became pirates when they escaped from the Inquisition in Spain.

Today, finding a kosher kitchen can be tough. But the island is used to preparing vegetarian meals for its religious Rastafarian population—some of whom consider themselves a lost tribe of Israel and follow Jewish dietary restrictions forbidding shellfish and pork. One Kingston hotel recently purchased new cooking tools dedicated to kosher meals for guests.

Behn Goldis, a New York reggae artist and orthodox Jew whose stage name is BennyBwoy, calls himself "the original Jewmaican." A former Wall Street analyst, he was invited to the conference to perform. He did so wearing a yarmulke knitted in the colors of the Jamaican flag, braided hair and sunglasses decorated with gold snakes. "I'm not Jamaican. I just love the music and the people," Mr. Goldis said. "But I really am Jewish."

Here is a video of BennyBwoy, "The Original Jewmaican," performing his hit single, Rise Up.

My Footprint: Comedian Jeff Garlin's New Book About His Battle to Curb His Weight

Comedian Jeff Garlin, the big guy who plays Jeff Greene, Larry David's Manager on HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm, has just come out with a new book chronicling his battle to overcome his life-long weight problem by curbing his food addiction.

Garlin, who is also Curb Your Enthusiasm's executive producer, suffered a stroke as a result of his diabetes when he was 37.  He decided to write a diary of his progress toward his goal of losing 50 to 100 pounds, and My Footprint:  Carrying the Weight of the World is the result.

In addition to his work on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Garlin also spent three seasons on NBC's Mad About You in the role of Marvin, and has a variety of television and film appearances to his credit including Dr. Katz, Arrested Development, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Late Show with David Letterman, Tom Goes to the Mayor, The Daily Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Daddy Day Care, and WALL-E. He has also had his own HBO half-hour comedy special.

Garlin has been making the rounds of TV talk shows, where he has been saying that he is about half-way toward his weight reduction goal.

Here's a clip of Garlin on the Fox News talk show Huckabee with host Mike Huckabee discussing his book and his motivation in writing it.

After the Oscars: Our All-time Favorite Jewish Moments in Film

Because last night was Oscar night, we couldn't help thinking about our favorite Jewish moments in film.  The idea was triggered by an article in Heeb magazine online called The 100 Greatest Jewish Movie Moments.  We checked it out and found that we were in agreement with many of their selections, but had a few others of our own.  So we're sharing with you Jewish Humor Central's picks for 10 of the Best Jewish Moments in Cinema.  

We decided to limit our selections to those with clips available online.  So we had to pass on two of our favorites, the "He must be Jewish" line that the old lady speaks in Superman II when the superhero rescues the little boy from Niagara Falls, and the "Sunday?  That's Simchas Torah" line spoken by Val Kilmer in Top Secret.

We love them all, so it's hard to rank them.  Here they are.

Blazing Saddles (1974)

"Shvartzes?  Loz em gein!"

The Frisco Kid (1979)

Watch for the reaction when the rabbi realizes that all bearded black hatters are not necessarily landsmen.

 

Witness (1985)

This scene is the flip of the Frisco Kid scene as the little Amish boy reacts when he realizes the same truth.

Airplane (1980)

Ever see a plane with a beard and a tallit?  Air Israel comes through in this one.

Spaceballs (1987)

"May the Schwartz be with you!"

Fiddler on the Roof (1971)

What more can we say?  The opening number says it all.

The Lost Weekend (1947)

Don't try to hock your typewriter in New York on Yom Kippur.

For Your Consideration (Home for Purim) (2006)

We love everything about Purim, no matter how wacky things get.

When Do We Eat? (2005)

Pesach!  It's coming in only three weeks!

The Big Lebowski (1998)

How many times do I have to tell you?  "I'm a Shomer f------ Shabbos, and I don't roll on Shabbos."

Tovah Feldshuh Goes Beyond Acting to Humor, Song, and Dance

If you're like us, you probably know Tovah Feldshuh as the Broadway star of Golda's Balcony, or more recently, Irena's Vow.  You may have seen her Emmy-nominated performances as defense attorney Danielle Melnick on Law & Order or her many other Broadway and TV roles.  But her comedy and singing talents haven't been as widely seen unless you've experienced one of her one-woman concerts.

Several years ago she began custom-tailoring her programs for individual clients and special events. She interviews prospective clients for the details of their community and/or event and weaves those facts into her concert, as well as selecting material of her own that is particularly appropriate for "that special evening".  In a show called Tovah: Out of Her Mind, Feldshuh sings songs from Gershwin to Judy Collins and inhabits a gallery of hilarious characters, ages 8 to 80, ranging from socialite Muffy Brooke Asthma Alsop on Park Avenue to Grandma Ada in the Bronx.

She has been hired by a variety of clients from the United Jewish Israel Appeal in the United Kingdom to St. Vincent's Hospital in New York City. In 1999, The Boston Globe chose her and her show as the best cabaret/concert of the year.

Here's a sampling from that show. 

After embodying Golda Meir in Golda's Balcony, Feldshuh created a show, Mining Golda:  The Journey to Golda Meir, telling the story of how she researched everything about Golda Meir before appearing on stage as the Israeli prime minister.  The show is an evening of theater recounting her creative journey in writing, staging, and performing that show, including her travels to Israel and into the very soul of Golda Meir, weaving song, story, and humor into an unforgettable experience.  Enjoy!

Comedy Showcase: Meet Mendy Pellin, Chasidic Comic and Funny News Reporter

"Every day for me is Purim.  I like to joke around, not take life too seriously."  That's a quote that Jewish Humor Central's Blogger-in-Chief would expect to be attributed to him or to many of his readers, but one very unlikely to be heard from a black-bearded Chasid in a black hat and black suit. 

Anyone who has seen and heard Mendy Pellin, the 27-year-old Chasidic comic and creator of The Mendy Report on chabadtube.com, knows otherwise.

Pellin made those comments in an interview with talk show host Brian Lehrer on his Brian Lehrer Live TV show, and his mock TV news programs, man-in-the-street interviews, and general funny shtick show that his true colors are not only black.

Pellin was born to a Chasidic family in Denver, Colorado. He spent most of his childhood growing up in Crown Heights, New York, home of the Chabad-Lubavitch movement. At age 7, he was already learning the tricks of the trade at a local puppet theater, but quickly moved on to baffle crowds all around the globe.

With nothing like his show in the Jewish world and over 50,000 viewers per broadcast, Mendy blends Chasidic spirituality with out-of-the-box humor. He aims to overcome stereotypes commonly attributed to ultra-Orthodox Jews.

As Gregory Beyer reported in The New York Times in January 2008,

Standing 6 feet 2 inches and wearing a long, dark beard, Mr. Pellin is aware that his appearance may suggest, to those outside the Hasidic community, an intense humorlessness. “The Mendy Report” is his lighthearted attempt to prove otherwise by parodying local, national and international news, in a style that sometimes recalls Comedy Central staples like “The Daily Show” or “The Colbert Report.” 

Here's a typical Mendy Report.  Because it's a Purim edition, it's even funnier than usual.

Pellin's shtick caught the attention of the Tonight Show and he was invited to be the rabbi in a segment introduced by Jay Leno involving a rabbi, a priest, and a minister -- one of the classic joke situations.  Here is a video of Pellin preparing for the show and delivering his joke on nationwide TV.

Funny YouTube Matzah Video Leads Michelle Citrin to Broadway

In yesterday's New York Times ArtsBeat blog, Patrick Healy reported that the creator of a musical adaptation of the 1993 Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan film, Sleepless in Seattle, was so enamored with a YouTube video featuring singer/songwriter Michelle Citrin, that he tapped her to write the music and lyrics for the show, which has a planned Broadway opening in February 2011.

The video, 20 Things to Do With Matzah, performed by Citrin and William Levin, first appeared on YouTube two years ago.  It has been viewed over one million times, many of them by David Shor, an entertainment executive who holds the rights to make a musical based on the film.  Shor sent the clip to his friends as a holiday greeting, and started a Facebook correspondence with Citrin which eventually led to bringing her on the team for the Broadway musical.  Josh Nelson and Michael Garin are also joining the team of songwriters and musicians.

Reporting the story in Theatre News, Andy Propst writes:

Singer/songwriter Citrin's work has earned her recognition as one of Billboard Music's "Top Songwriters," as well as a Great American Songwriting Honor and a place as finalist in Sony Music's future Rock Competition. Her work is also a fixture on YouTube, where she has released such songs as "Rosh Hashanah Girl," "20 Things to do with Matzah," and "Pass the Candle." Her latest CD, Left Brained Right Hearted will be released in the near future.

Reporting in Playbill, Andrew Gans quotes Shor:

"We are thrilled to have Michelle, Michael, and Josh on board to make this timeless musical sing in a contemporary, exciting way," said producer Shor in a statement. "The process that we went through to find our writing team is unique to say the least. We are glad we found them and are thrilled with the results of their collaboration. Who knew that Facebook and YouTube would break the mold to discover new voices for the theater?"

If you're not among the 1.2 million who have seen the "Matzah" video, here it is for your enjoyment.  Remember, Pesach is less than a month away!

(A tip of the kippah to Esther Kustanowitz for bringing this news to our attention.)

More New Inventions For Jewish Life By Marvin Silbermintz

Way back in October 2009, when Jewish Humor Central was just getting started, we posted a video clip of Marvin Silbermintz, lead comedy writer for Jay Leno on the Tonight Show, showing his funny inventions for Jewish Life on a Chabad telethon.  As we said then, we knew Marvin when he lived in Fair Lawn, New Jersey, before he followed Jay to Los Angeles.

Well, we found another appearance by Marvin at another Chabad telethon a year later where he introduces a whole new set of funny inventions.  This new set includes:

- Dinnerware for the Jewish Home

- Bluetooth for Zayde

- The groom shoe

- Jewish tool kit

- Jewish mother quiz game

- Full feature prayer book

- Mezuzah kisser

We hope you enjoy this set, and if you missed the first set, we're repeating it at the bottom of this post. 

A Joke To Start Your Day: The Conversion

 After many years in the banking industry in New York, Milton gets a job offer he can't refuse -- vice-president and board member at the Salt Flats National Bank in Utah at a salary of $500,000.  So he tells his wife Rachel and she agrees to sell their house and move to Utah.  What Milton doesn't know is that the president of the bank has had a hard time with his board of directors in getting them to approve his choice of Milton as vice-president.

Even after Milton is on the job, the board members argue with the president that they are all Mormons and that they are having a problem with the idea of a Jew on the board.  But they know that he is a genius in the world of finance and don't want to lose him.

So the president comes up with a solution that he thinks will work and calls Milton into this office.  "Some of the other board members," He tells Milton, "are used to working only with Mormons, and are threatening to quit if you remain on the board."  I don't want to have to decide between you and them, so I worked out a solution that I hope you will accept.
 

If you want to keep your position, you’ll have to convert to our church.  Please let me know by tomorrow what you decide."   Milton feels he has no choice.  As hard as it might be to convert, it will be easier than losing  this great new job. So he goes home and tells Rachel, "Starting this Sunday we’ll be going to church with our children."

The months go by, and Rachel gets more and more upset.  She didn't want to convert, and now she misses Shabbat, candle lighting, kiddush, the holidays.  She confronts Milton and tells him that money isn't everything and she can't take it any more.

Milton's conscience starts to bother him, and finally he too is fed up.  He goes back to his boss, the bank president, and tells him:  " I made a big mistake in converting, and I can't sleep at night.  My wife is very upset and she is anxious and depressed.  I thought that money would compensate for all of this but I found that money isn't everything.  We can't be Mormons any more.  We have to go back to our Jewish roots.  If that means I have to quit my job, I'll just have to quit."

The president listens to Milton's impassioned words and says to him:  "OK, Milton, I didn't realize that the conversion was causing so much stress.  I thought that you didn't mind switching religions.  You're performing so well here that I'd do anything to keep you.  If you agree to stay with us, I'll talk to the directors and tell them that you're going back to your Judaism and they'll just have to accept it.

Milton is overwhelmed with joy and rushes home to tell Rachel the wonderful news.  "Rachel, dear," he says to her, " You were right and I was so short-sighted.  I talked to the president and he was very understanding.  He's letting me keep the job and he said we can go back to being Jewish immediately.

Rachel looks at him angrily, and says:  "Tell me, what kind of idiot are you?"

Milton is shocked by Rachel's reaction. "But didn't you complain for all these months that it was wrong to convert and that we should go back to being Jewish?"

Rachel, still very upset, says: "Of course I do, but NOW, just 2 weeks before Pesach?"

(Clip art from webweaver.nu and alfy.com)

It's Shushan Purim! One More Day of Purim Shtick

OK, you may say Purim is over.  Let's get back to more general topics, or jokes about Pesach.  Don't worry, we'll get there soon, but today is Shushan Purim, an extra day of Purim celebrated in walled cities.  We consider the internet to be surrounded by a firewall, so we'll take an extra day to laugh at some of the best Purim shtick that we have found.

First, a parody of Supercallifragilisticexpialidocious (did we spell that correctly?) by Nicholas Kett, a remarkable tale of one Yeshiva bochur, recounting the tale of his Chassidic family.

Next, a Purim Shpiel video produced a few years ago in the Israeli town of Hashmonaim, advertising a very special gemach.

A gemach (abbreviation for gemilat chasadim -- acts of kindness) started out as a Jewish free loan fund, extending loans on a short- or long-term basis for any need, including emergency loans, medical expenses, wedding expenses, etc. However, many people have expanded the concept of gemachs to include free loans of household items, clothing, books, equipment, services and advice.  In this Purim parody, the video is an ad for a husband gemach.

A Lego Purim - The Story of Purim Told With Lego Blocks on Purim Day

Today is the holiday of Purim!  Chag Sameach to all of our readers.

The story of Purim has been told in many ways -- including puppet shows, songs, dance, mime and animation.

Lego construction blocks have been used to create replicas of everything from Yankee Stadium to the New York Stock Exchange to neighborhoods like Greenwich Village.

Now these two concepts have come together in Lego Purim, a three minute video telling the story of Purim with all characters and backgrounds built with Lego blocks.

The project was sponsored by Aish.com and the construction was done by Moshe Schlussel, a 10-year-old from Milwaukee.

We hope that you will enjoy it as you celebrate Purim today.

Stars of Broadway's Biggest Hit Shows to Perform at 6th Annual Purim Shpiel Monday Night

The National Entertainment Fund for the Cultural Arts (NEFCA) and event Co-Chair Michael Steinhardt are presenting  the 6th Annual Broadway Purim Shpiel at the Hudson Theatre at 141 West 44th Street in Manhattan on Monday, March 1st, 2010 at 7pm. Tickets are available at a 15% discount at BroadwayBox.com.

For one night only, stars from Broadway’s biggest hit shows will join together for the Broadway Purim Shpiel, a hilarious retelling of the Purim story. All proceeds from the NEFCA production will benefit The Birthright Israel Foundation, an organization dedicated to sending young Jews from across the world to Israel.  Full details about the event can be found at www.nefca.org/6bps. 

As reported in NYBlueprint,  the Urban Jewish Event Guide, 

For the 6th consecutive year, Broadway''s biggest talents demonstrate their generosity by performing in our benefit,” said NEFCA founder and executive director Scott Kluge. “This year Richard Kind, one of our generation's funniest actors, will take the helm as host of the Shpiel.  This will be the most hilarious performance yet!

This year's shpiel will synchronize with Broadway''s latest trend - rock n roll. Our cast includes stars from Rock of Ages, American Idiot, Memphis, Jersey Boys and many other great shows - so prepare for a rockin' Shpiel on March 1st," he added.

The cast of this year's show will include:

Host: Richard Kind  (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
• Christian Hoff  (Jersey Boys - TONY Award Winner)
• Clarke Thorell  (Hairspray)
• Adam Kantor  (Rent)
• Alysha Umphress  (American Idiot)
• Alex Brightman  (Wicked)
• Gaelen Gilliand  (9 to 5)
• MODI  (Comedian)
• Chad Kimball  (Memphis)
• Eric Anderson  (South Pacific)
• Savannah Wise  (Ragtime)
• Jarrod Spector  (Jersey Boys)

To get an idea of what this year's performance will be like, check out the video clip below of the 4th Annual Broadway Purim Shpiel from March 2008.

The Personal Mechitza: Is It Real Or Just a Purim Joke?

As collectors of Jewish humor and chroniclers of humorous situations involving Jews of all types, we thought we had a good handle on what's funny and what's not, and what's real and what's a spoof, parody, or satire.  Well, this week we have been stumped by an article that appeared in The Jerusalem Post and that has been referenced in other Jewish media.

Last Friday Adir Glick, writing in The Jerusalem Post, reported that Israel's Rabbinic Council for Public Transportation is advising Haredi airline passengers to hang a new type of mechitza – a halachic barrier to separate the sexes – around the top of their airplane seats, to shield their eyes from immodest neighbors and in-flight movies.

The Rabbinical Council for Public Transportation, which is also representing the Haredi community on the issue of gender-segregated mehadrin buses, is now placing advertisements in Haredi newspapers encouraging the community to purchase the traveler mehitzas.

On Monday, the Muqata blog picked up the story and embellished it with a photo that was supposedly an unauthorized copy of an ad smuggled out of EL AL's PR offices.  We strongly suspect that the photo, like another supposed EL AL ad showing that the airline knows how to distinguish between tefillin and a bomb, is a spoof.  But the basic story -- is it true or is it the equivalent of an April Fool's Day joke?

According to the Post article,

The new mehitzas, made of white nylon, stick onto the fabric of the airplane chair using Velcro and can be arranged to make a protective “shield.” The mehitza goes around the head and is mostly in front of the passenger’s face, protruding only a little to the sides. Its designer, who asked that his name not be published, declined to share pictures and his design details, but said the mehitzas were “airy” and did not bother anybody.

“They’re very nice,” said Rabbi Shimon Stern, spokesman for the Rabbinic Council for Public Transportation. “Very cute. It’s very practical.”

The mehitzas are designed to be portable and fit into a small box, which passengers can bring on the plane.

The airplane mehitzas come in the wake of other recent steps by the haredi community to avoid immodesty, such as the mehadrin bus lines and separate-sex sidewalks in Jerusalem’s Geula neighborhood.

Stern said the main reason for the latest recommendation was to enable haredi passengers to block out in-flight movies. Television sets are banned in haredi communities, and movies are forbidden. In aircraft with large movie screens, it is difficult to avoid watching the films.

As long-term Charles Schultz and Peanuts fans, it seems to us that Charlie Brown had a similar and less expensive solution when he was too embarrassed to make eye contact with the Little Red Haired Girl -- he put a paper grocery bag over his head.

So, after finding and sharing stories about rabbinic bans of perfume, music lessons, black and white cookies, and Haredi web sites, we're inclined to believe that the story (but not the photo) is true.  As we have often said, you just can't make this stuff up.  On the other hand, Purim is a mere two days away.  As they say on TV news, "We report.  You decide."

Happy Purim to everyone from Jewish Humor Central!

Oscars, Shmoscars! This Purim We've Got the Silver Gragger Movie Awards

(Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2010 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.)

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is only a few months old, but we have been giving movie awards in The Kustanowitz Kronikle since 1990, with the Silver Graggers making their first appearance in 2004.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2009 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are proud to announce the winners of the competition.  Here are the best films of 2009, with a brief description of each one.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE:  A nanny bites off more than she can chew when she takes a job caring for a Charedi couple’s 17 children.

UP IN THE AIR:  A California transplant can't decide when to travel back east for her parents' seders.

UP:  An ingenious ba'al hagbah brings helium balloons to shul to help him get the job of lifting the Torah done.

AWAY WE GO:  A synagogue in an upscale neighborhood closes its doors when all of its members head for Israel, Florida, Arizona, and Puerto Rico for the Passover holiday.

AN EDUCATION:   The wacky adventures of a young couple attempting to make Pesach for the first time.

THE PROPOSAL:  A religious young man breaks his family’s all-time shidduch speed record when he shouts “Will you marry me?” on his way over to the table where his blind date awaits.

IT'S COMPLICATED:  A Conservadox man meets the woman of his dreams, but she’s egalitarian Modern Orthodox. Pressed to describe the difference between the two streams, the couple is rendered speechless.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS:  A family wakes to overcast skies, trying to decide whether to make the trip to shul for a catered bar mitzvah kiddush.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG: In this retelling of the book of Exodus, Pharaoh's daughter becomes romantically attached to the leader of the second of the Ten Plagues.

THE BLIND SIDE:  The women belonging to a local synagogue revolt when their mechitzah is raised an additional ten feet.

THE HANGOVER:  A seder goes terribly wrong when a new yeshiva student tells his parents that there are four plagues and ten cups of wine.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123:  After outgrowing their communities in Williamsburg and Kiryas Joel, the Satmars take over the Young Israel synagogue and buy up all of the homes in the Bronx neighborhood of Pelham Parkway in the course of three days.

PUBLIC ENEMIES:  A community is shocked and appalled when the local rabbi decides tuition has gotten out of control and enrolls his son in public school.

ADAM and CHAVATAR:  A 3D-ChaiMAX retelling of the Garden of Eden story like you've never seen it before, with CGI special effects.  The first man and first woman feel very blue after they eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?: Rumors spread in a Reform temple in Greenwich that the newest member family had moved in from Boro Park and changed their name from Morganstein.

PRECIOUS:  A feminist scholar deconstructs the poem Eishet Chayil (A Woman of Valor) to identify the components of rabbinic-era attraction.

NINE:  An angst-ridden musical about the nine men who show up for the morning minyan and exert frantic efforts to recruit a tenth so they can get to work on time.

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS:   Which goat will be slaughtered and which will be driven off a cliff to symbolize the sins of Israel?  Go behind the scenes for an intimate reality-style portrait of the high priests who make these tough decisions.

THE LOVELY BONES:  A new kosher supermarket opens a week before Pesach and advertises an opening special on shankbones for the seder plate.

CONGRESS VOTES STIMULUS FOR JEWISH COMMUNITY; NEW JOBS, MORE TAXES, SHUL MEMBERSHIP FOR ALL; Synagogue Dues, Building Funds Greater Than $1,000 Will Be Taxed; Positive Effect Seen on ‘Employment Change’; Universal Membership Assured Despite Pre-Existing Affiliation

(Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2010 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.)

    FAIR LAWN, NJ, Feb. 28 -- Congress passed a massive omnibus bill today that will go a long way toward solving the most talked-about problems in the U.S. economy.
 
    As a result of the bill’s passage, employment change (formerly called unemployment) is likely to move in a positive direction, reversing the job losses that have dominated political discussion for the last two years.

    After months of discussion about totally overhauling the country’s economy, Congress implemented a pilot coverage program to focus on one community.  If successful, it will be expanded for the entire United States.

    The Jewish community was selected because of its relatively small size and cohesive nature.  Working through the Conference of Presidents of Major Conferences of Presidents of Major Jewish Organizations (COPOMCOPOMJO), Congress will be able to direct funds to and collect taxes from a single source.

    Also, all Jews who are unaffiliated with a synagogue will be given subsidies to join a shul.  Membership will be mandatory.  Anyone who refuses to become a synagogue member will be fined or face imprisonment.

    Starting January 1, 2011, the U.S. Treasury will transfer $999 billion to COPOMCOPOMJO, which will then distribute the funds to the 3,727 synagogues that were identified in the latest census.  Orthodox houses of worship comprise 40 percent of the total, Conservative 23 percent, and Reform 26 percent. 

    Although the cost of the stimulus program appears large, Congress insists that it is deficit-neutral because the costs will be offset by new taxes and fees and from savings in improved productivity and efficiencies in all synagogues.  For example,  the government will mandate only supermarket brand scotch, instead of expensive single malt scotch at Kiddush.  Cantors will be required to speed up the prayer service and rabbis will be restricted to 15-minute sermons in the hope that shorter services will result in lower electric bills.  Hot kiddushes will be eliminated to reduce the use of gas and electricity to keep food warm. 

    The bill is more than 4,000 pages long.  Its main provisions include:

       New job creation to improve employment change.  Previous volunteer jobs including Shushers, Candy Men, Children Chasers, Pledge Card Collectors, and Mechitzah Adjusters will now command salaries. (A more complete list of the jobs is on page 2.)

    Mandatory synagogue membership for all Jews.  Each unaffiliated family will receive $500 toward synagogue membership.  If actual membership cost is greater, they will have to make up the difference.  If  it is less, they can keep the difference.

    Annual synagogue dues in excess of $1,000 will be taxed, as will all building fund payments. 

    There will be a public option — guaranteed membership for $500 —but the government will decide which denomination’s synagogue they attend.  If they refuse to affiliate with any denomination, they will have to pay a fine of $1,000 or go to jail for five years.
                 
    Current members may keep their membership or change to a different denomination during the enrollment period from Rosh Hashanah to Chanukah.  All synagogues will be required to accept new members regardless of pre-existing affiliations.

    With more than one million unaffiliated families joining synagogues at the same time, there will be a shortage of seats for the High Holidays.  Because of differences in popularity of denominations, rationing may be required.  For example, if there are not enough seats in Conservative shuls, families will have to accept seats in Reform or Orthodox shuls.

Members will have access to free counseling from government panels that will suggest that they switch to an alternate denomination, based on the available seat counts.  Panel decisions will be final.

    Public response to this bill has been largely unfavorable.  Polling suggests that less than a third of Jews are pleased with this stimulus program.  Protests are taking place across the country.  Tea Room parties are planned at Passover resorts from the Catskills to the Caribbean, which will keep their tea rooms open 24 hours a day.  Most objections are to the increase in taxes, the mandatory membership requirement, and to government panels deciding which synagogue each family will attend.

    Pro-Choice groups such as Choose Your Own Adventure readers insist on having the right to choose their own denominations, whenever they want and as many times as they want. 

    Pro-Life groups such as Frum From Birth (FFB) maintain that no one has the right to terminate their affiliation with a denomination that they have been a member of for their whole life. 

CONGRESSIONAL STIMULUS MONEY

TO CREATE NEW JOBS

New Jewish community jobs created with stimulus money from Congress to move employment change in a positive direction:

CANDY MAN:  Every child's favorite go-to person in shul.  If he's away from his seat, children are authorized to peek into his tallit bag.
SHUSHER: Walks around the shul, constantly raising a finger to his mouth and urging talkers to keep their words to themselves.
CHILDREN CHASER: Run around shul, inside and out, to catch children who get out of control and return them to their parents.
(Note: This job requires experience in marathon running.)
MECHITZAH INSTALLER/REMOVER/ADJUSTER: Has to be available on short notice to install, take down, or adjust the height of the mechitzah, depending on which way the religious winds are blowing and whenever a new rabbi is appointed.
PLEDGE CARD COLLECTOR: Must be able to walk through every row in the synagogue and stare at each congregant until they pony up a pledge card with a folded-down tab.
GRAGGER TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:  Has to hold a red octagonal stop sign high above his head on Purim when noise to drown out Haman's name gets too loud.
SUKKAH BUILDER AND LULAV REPAIRMAN: Must be available a week before Sukkot to put up the sukkah, and during the week of Sukkot to add new palm rings to lulavim that have been shaken too much.
RABBI'S CONTRACT NEGOTIATOR:  Requires a high degree of legal and financial knowledge, and also much patience.

"One Day" by Matisyahu, Hasidic Reggae Singer, Selected as NBC Winter Olympics Theme Song

Matisyahu, the Hasidic reggae singer formerly known as Matthew Miller, has made a name for himself in the culture of pop music. Now his songs are reaching a much wider audience since NBC selected his song, One Day, as the theme of their coverage of the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

Known for blending traditional Jewish themes with Reggae, Rock, and Hip Hop sounds, Matisyahu's single King Without a Crown was a Top 40 hit. Since 2004, he has released three studio albums as well as one live album, two remix CDs and one DVD featuring a live concert.

During the Olympics, he has been giving concerts in and around Vancouver, to the delight of his fans who have been waiting in long lines to get in.

Here is an NBC promotional video for the games featuring the One Day theme song, followed by a live performance in Vancouver and an interview with Fanhouse.com, a sports news website.

 

Curious George's Jewish Roots on Display at The Jewish Museum in March

Anyone who was a child, a parent, or a grandparent between 1941 and today has fond memories of that mischievous litttle monkey, Curious George, and his friend, the Man with the Yellow Hat.  But how many of us knew that George's "parents" were Jewish?

Now, The Jewish Museum is launching an exhibition, Curious George Saves the Day: The Art of Margret and H. A. Rey, from March 14 through August 1, 2010.  The exhibit highlights the Jewish roots of the authors and the back story of the little monkey who became the star of books and a movie worldwide.

Illustrator H. A. Rey (Hans Augusto Reyersbach) (1898 - 1977) and his wife, author and artist Margret Rey (1906 - 1996) were both born in Hamburg, Germany, to Jewish families and lived together in Paris from 1936 to 1940. Hours before the Nazis marched into the city in June 1940, the Reys fled on bicycles carrying drawings for their children's stories including one about a mischievous monkey, then named Fifi.  During a tense inspection of their belongings by a border official, children’s illustrations were found and they were allowed to continue on their way, eventually reaching the United States.  This may explain why saving the day after a narrow escape became the premise of most of their Curious George stories. 

Featuring about sixty original drawings and preparatory dummies for Margret and H. A. Rey children’s books and documentation related to their escape from Nazi-occupied Europe, the exhibition will examine the parallels between the obstacles the Reys faced and the drawings that may have saved their lives.

After their fateful escape from Paris and a four-month journey across France, Spain, Portugal, and Brazil, the couple settled in New York in the fall of 1940. In all, the Reys authored and illustrated over thirty books, most of them for children, with seven of them starring Curious George. Seventy years after the arrival of Curious George in America, the monkey's antics have been translated into over a dozen languages including Hebrew and Yiddish, to the delight of readers, young and old, around the world.  George was also the star of a full-length film, titled (what else?) Curious George, released in 2006, featuring the voices of Will Ferrell, Drew Barrymore, and Dick Van Dyke.

The exhibition at The Jewish Museum will offer visitors a rare opportunity to view the original drawings and vibrant watercolors of Curious George and other characters. Many of these works have never been on display before. Preparatory dummy books, vintage photographs, and documentation related to the Reys' escape from Nazi Europe, such as H. A. Rey's journals detailing the couple's perilous journey to freedom, are also included. One of the exhibition galleries will be transformed into a reading room for visitors of all ages inspired by the beloved monkey's escapades in Curious George Flies a Kite.

In addition, the exhibition features an interactive timeline, accessed via a touch-screen computer, about the Reys' life in France from the late 1930s through their fateful escape in the summer of 1940. Visitors will be able to view additional pages of H. A. Rey's journal detailing the couple's journey to safety, images of illustrations by H. A. Rey and photographs taken by Margret Rey in France, documentary photography related to early World War II in France, and historic video, as well as listen to an interview with the couple. This program will be also available at thejewishmuseum.org.

Here's the trailer for Curious George, the feature film released in 2006 with the voices of Will Ferrell, Drew Barrymore, and Dick VanDyke.  Enjoy!