Daf Yomi Daily Talmud Study Program to Include Newly Found Tractates (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Monday night. It is read again Tuesday morning, March 10. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2020 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2019.

DAF YOMI DAILY TALMUD STUDY PROGRAM
TO INCLUDE NEWLY FOUND TRACTATES

7.5 Year-long Cycle Will Be Extended to Include
Tractates Nappin, Fressin, Tantzen, Kvetchin, and Votin


     FAIR LAWN, NJ, March 10 -- In 1923 in Poland, Rabbi Meir Shapiro founded daf yomi, an international program to study one page of the Babylonian Talmud a day. Today, an estimated 350,000 Jews around the world study on their own or with a group, reading the bbbTalmud in its Hebrew and Aramaic, or using resources like online guides and podcasts to help them along.
    At the start of the 14th cycle on January 5, participants worldwide rejoiced to hear that the International Daf Yomi Commission decided to add five months to the program to insure that new volumes of the Talmud Baghdadi, recently discovered in Iraq, were included.
    These volumes – Nappin, Fressin, Tantzen, Kvetchin, and Votin — are now in production, and will be ready for distribution at the end of the cycle. Sample pages from each of these volumes have been made available to The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Nappin

MISHNA: It is incumbent upon every male in Israel to nap for three hours every Shabbat. As it is written, V’shinantam l’vanecha. V’shinantam refers to shayna (sleep), and it also means teaching. Therefore, you should also teach your son to sleep on Shabbat. Since this is a mitzvah dependent on a fixed time, women are exempt from napping until their oldest child reaches the age of bar or bat mitzvah.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: Are the three hours in the morning or the afternoon? The Regel BaPeh replies: In the afternoon, after kiddush and a full meal. The Etzba B’Af asks in the name of the Erev Rav, If one naps in the synagogue during the Rabbi’s sermon, does this count toward the three hour minimum? The Regel BaPeh replies in the name of the Sonay Chinam, the ideal situation woud be to nap at least three hours in addition to any napping during the Rabbi’s sermon, but in an emergency, a sermon nap may be counted. The Rodef Kessef agrees, but only if the nap is long enough to allow an elephant to cross the Euphrates and shake himself dry. The Regel BaPeh asks: How long is that?; and the Rodef Kessef replies: About twice as long as it takes a tiger to cross the Tigris.

THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Fressin

MISHNA: From what time is it permissible to begin preparations for kiddush? The Groisser Fresser says: From the time the Torah is taken out of the Ark. The Punkt Farkert says: Fom the time the Chazzan completes the recitation of the Shemona Esrei.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: Why from the time the Torah is taken out of the Ark? To allow enough time for the proper presentation of the cholent, and thereby to give honor to the congregation. The Regel BaPeh  disagrees and holds with the Punkt Farkert that preparations may not begin until the Chazzan completes the Shemona Esrei, to prevent the Chazzan from smelling the cholent, deriving pleasure, and filling his mind with impure thoughts. Why impure thoughts? The Regel BaPeh brings a proof from the Ohf Hagadol that the beans used in Babylon are so potent that inhalation of a microscopic amount can trigger unexpected physical manifestations, which will not give honor to the congregation.
Is it permissible for men to assist with the preparation of the kiddush? The Grobber Yung answers: Yes, because the gematria (numeric value) of kiddush is 410, the same value as Kirk, the captain of the Starship Enterprise, whose motto is “To boldly go where no man has gone before,” – and where else could this be but the kitchen?


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Tantzen 

MISHNA: From what time is mixed dancing permitted at a wedding celebration? The Gilui Rosh says: From when the sages put on their hats and head for the coatroom. The Farkrimpte Punim says: From when the Viennese table is brought out.
GEMARA: The Nechtiger Tog asks in the name of the Farbissiner Kop: Why would the sages go to the coatroom while the band is still playing? The Vilde Chaye answers: Because they have to check to see if anyone is using the coatroom to engage in premarital sex. Why should they be checking at this time? The Unge Potchket answers: Because premarital sex could, chas vechalila, lead to mixed dancing. The Etzba B’Af asks: What does the Viennese table have to do with mixed dancing? The Regel BaPeh answers: The waltz was invented in Vienna, so anything Viennese can bring on a sudden urge to dance with a partner of the opposite sex. The Grobber Yung takes up the questioning: But what  if two wedding celebrations occur at the same time?  Can a guest attend both in the same evening? The Punkt Farkert brings a proof from a famous baraita (external source) – “Mit ein tuches ken men nit tantzen oif tzvei chassenes.” (Editor’s note: The sages of the Talmud Baghdadi were blessed with miraculous vision that enabled them to know future languages and cultures.)


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Kvetchin

MISHNA: When buying grapes one may squeeze and taste one grape before checking out to see if it is fresh and sweet. When buying toilet paper it is forbidden to squeeze the package as it is written in a baraita (ancient writing) “Please don’t kvetch the Charmin.”
GEMARA: The Etbzba B’Af asks: If you can’t decide which of two bunches of grapes you want to buy, can you taste a grape from each bunch? The Regel BaPeh says yes, but only if they are the same color (red, green, or black.) The Punkt Farkert disagrees and says that it is permissible to taste one grape of each color. The Grobber Yung interjects that if one checks out and pays with cash, when receiving change one must be careful not to even touch the hand of the checkout clerk lest it lead to mixed dancing.


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Votin

MISHNA: How does one choose a candidate when all of the choices are bad? One holds one’s nose and casts the ballot. From what time is it permitted to cast a ballot? From the time that the final poll numbers are posted by CNN and FOX. How long is it permitted to wait in line to vote? Not too long, because idle chatter while waiting could lead to mixed dancing.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: How long should you hold your nose? Only as long as it takes to pull the lever. The Punkt Farkert disagrees and says as long as you are in the voting booth. The Grobber Yung says that it depends on the size of your hand and the length of your fingers. As it is written: A man with a big hand is likely to have a big nose. And a long nose may have to be held longer to complete the voting process.

Trump, Netanyahu Swap Roles, Countries (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday Night March 20. It is read again on Thursday morning, March 21. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: Rabbis Establish New Blessings  for Today’s Secular Encounters.
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TRUMP, NETANYAHU SWAP ROLES, COUNTRIES

Trump Quits U.S. Presidency, Aims for Israel Prime Ministry;
Netanyahu Quits as Israel PM, Sets Sights on White House;
Opposition Cries “Collusion” and “Obstruction”

FAIR LAWN, NJ, March 21 – As election fever heats up in Israel and the U.S., Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Donald Trump shocked the world by announcing “the deal of the century.” 

    Trump and Netanyahu will report to the United States Embassy in Jerusalem where they will resign their current posts and swap citizenships. Then both leaders will officially enter the election races in their newly adopted countries as independent candidates.

   
    With a handshake to seal the deal, the two leaders acknowledged that the swap was influenced by their popularity decline in their own countries and their increased popularity in their newly adopted countries.

    Opposition parties in both countries reacted immediately with alarm, setting off rallies in Washington and Jerusalem to protest the “collusion” between right-wing factions in Israel and the U.S. and “obstruction” of their time-tested electoral processes.

    Both left-wing and right-wing coalitions challenged Netanyahu’s right to become an American citizen overnight, but yesterday President Trump signed an executive order giving Bibi an exemption because he “looks and speaks like an American.”

    Similar opposition in Israel challenged Trump’s right to become an Israeli citizen overnight, but yesterday Prime Minister Netanyahu signed a similar order granting an exemption to Trump because of his recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s eternal capital and moving the U. S. Embassy to Jerusalem.

    The Trump-Netanyahu pact left political parties and agendas in disarray in both countries. Members of Congress and the Knesset would not comment on any policy changes both governments face as a result of the swap.

    Both leaders said that after winning their elections they will outlaw political correctness and moral equivalence in favor of increased security profiling.

    The unusual swap also prompted an inquiry into traditional electoral processes in both countries. The U.S. electoral system has already been under review since the 2016 election; Israel is now convening its own review of how its prime minister has traditionally been selected. The expected leadership change may prompt process changes, as well.

Trump Temple Tenplex to Unite All New York Synagogue Denominations in Huge Mega-Mall (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Saturday night, March 11. It is read again on Sunday morning, March 12. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2017 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2016 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.

 FAIR LAWN, March 12 – In a massive show of Jewish unity, the members of all Manhattan congregations have agreed to set aside their differences and unite in the construction of a mammoth mall to accommodate all their needs.
    The mega-mall, to be known as the Trump Temple Tenplex, will be built by the Trump organization on the Sheep Meadow, a 15-acre preserve  in Central Park, a short walk from Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue. Animal rights activists have been assured that any stray

sheep found grazing during construction will be humanely relocated to the Central Park Zoo.
    While Donald Trump is serving as President of the United States, any profits from Tenplex donations and admission fees  will be donated to UJA-Federation.  
    The Tenplex is based on a similar but smaller version built in Fair Lawn, reported on in the March 1990 Purim Edition of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.
    The superstructure will be divided into ten mini-sanctuaries, providing options for Jews of all persuasions. Areas for common use will include a Kiddush Court, a Bris-O-Rama operating room and  amphitheatre, and a Mikveh Motel, consisting of a central mikveh and ten one-bedroom suites for post-immersion relaxation.   Also planned for construction above the Trump Temple Tenplex are apartments for those active synagogue members who spend most of their lives in their shul.
    At press time, the types of services in the ten mini-sanctuaries were not finalized, but

preliminary plans call for  Reform, Reconstructionist, Conservative, Traditional, Original Young Israel Liberal Orthodox, Modern Orthodox, Current Young Israel Strict Orthodox, Yeshivish, and Sephardic.

     For those who consider themselves post-denominational, one mini-sanctuary will be designated as a “Do it Yourself” shul, in which congregants will be able to customize the seating arrangements, height and material of the mechitza, the nusach of the Chazzan, and length of the Rabbi’s sermon. Reservations for this mini-sanctuary are already booked through December 2020.
    The Trump Temple Tenplex is being considered by Jews in other communities as a possible model for similar projects. In Brooklyn, talks are already proceeding toward construction of a Lubavitcher-Gerer-Satmar Triplex. Two more chassidic sects may be added, but not a third. “A Quadruplex or a Quintuplex would be OK, but a Satmar Sexplex, NEVER!” said a spokesman for the Satmar rebbe.
    The Tenplex will offer many advantages. Worshippers will be able to shop around and move from one service to another, until they find a comfortable fit. The two corridors connecting the mini-sanctuaries will be designated as sermon-free zones, to let congregants take a break for banter on sports, the stock market, entertainment, or politics.  
    The massive project does present some problems. One  Orthodox rabbi who spoke on condition of anonymity said that while he approves of the project, he does not want to imply recognition of equal status for those who are “not yet Orthodox.”
     Monumental traffic problems are expected for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, and a building fund is being started for construction of a 5,000-car garage. Rabbis are also expected to be under heavy pressure from their congregations to keep their sermons short, lest their congregants overflow the sermon-free corridors at mid-service and find themselves with meager leftovers at the giant communal super kiddush.     

Be sure to see Jewish Humor Central tomorrow for Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2016 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.