Rabbis Establish New Blessings for Today's Secular Encounters (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther tonight. It is read again tomorrow morning, March 21. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 3 of our Purim spoof: Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2017.

Rabbis Establish New Blessings  

for Today’s Secular Encounters

   
    FAIR LAWN, March 21 —Rabbis of all denominations worldwide have come together to propose an update to their traditional siddurim (prayer books) in the category of Birkat Hanehenin (prayers for various occasions.)

    Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform prayer books already have special prayers for such occasions as hearing good news, recovering from a serious illness, or escaping from danger. But until today there have been no special prayers for coping to mark modern situations.

    The proposed new prayers ask for God’s guidance in undertaking new ventures such as going on a JDate or entering a voting booth, and expressing gratitude to God for ending a government shutdown.

    The rabbis also voted to include a new series of Al Chet confessions in the traditional Yom Kippur liturgy, focusing on misdeeds that may emerge from secular world encounters like those covered by these new prayers. 

     ON GOING ON A FIRST JDATE
     Blessed art thou....who creates diverse species.

     ON ENTERING A VOTING BOOTH
     May it be thy will that we make wise choices.

     ON SURFING THE INTERNET
     Tefilat Haderech (Prayer for starting a perilous journey)

     ON STARTING TO STREAM A NEW TV SERIES
     May it be thy will that every episode be worth our time watching it.

     ON COMPLETING A TV SERIES:
     Hadran alach (insert name of TV series) v’hadran alan
     (same prayer as said upon completion of a volume of Talmud.)

     ON SENDING AN E-MAIL MESSAGE:
     May it be thy will that this message not be hacked and not find its way to Wikileaks.

     ON OPENING A WEB LINK IN AN E-MAIL MESSAGE:
     May it be thy will that this link will lead us only to Torah, chuppah, and doesn’t install a         virus and cause my computer to crash.
   
     ON SUBSCRIBING TO FACEBOOK:
     May we be protected from sending and receiving lashon hara.

     ON BOARDING A FLIGHT TO LAS VEGAS
     May it be thy will that we hit the jackpot this time.

     ON THE END OF A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN:
     Blessed art thou.....for restoring sanity to elected officials.
 

Trump, Netanyahu Swap Roles, Countries (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday Night March 20. It is read again on Thursday morning, March 21. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: Rabbis Establish New Blessings  for Today’s Secular Encounters.
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TRUMP, NETANYAHU SWAP ROLES, COUNTRIES

Trump Quits U.S. Presidency, Aims for Israel Prime Ministry;
Netanyahu Quits as Israel PM, Sets Sights on White House;
Opposition Cries “Collusion” and “Obstruction”

FAIR LAWN, NJ, March 21 – As election fever heats up in Israel and the U.S., Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Donald Trump shocked the world by announcing “the deal of the century.” 

    Trump and Netanyahu will report to the United States Embassy in Jerusalem where they will resign their current posts and swap citizenships. Then both leaders will officially enter the election races in their newly adopted countries as independent candidates.

   
    With a handshake to seal the deal, the two leaders acknowledged that the swap was influenced by their popularity decline in their own countries and their increased popularity in their newly adopted countries.

    Opposition parties in both countries reacted immediately with alarm, setting off rallies in Washington and Jerusalem to protest the “collusion” between right-wing factions in Israel and the U.S. and “obstruction” of their time-tested electoral processes.

    Both left-wing and right-wing coalitions challenged Netanyahu’s right to become an American citizen overnight, but yesterday President Trump signed an executive order giving Bibi an exemption because he “looks and speaks like an American.”

    Similar opposition in Israel challenged Trump’s right to become an Israeli citizen overnight, but yesterday Prime Minister Netanyahu signed a similar order granting an exemption to Trump because of his recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s eternal capital and moving the U. S. Embassy to Jerusalem.

    The Trump-Netanyahu pact left political parties and agendas in disarray in both countries. Members of Congress and the Knesset would not comment on any policy changes both governments face as a result of the swap.

    Both leaders said that after winning their elections they will outlaw political correctness and moral equivalence in favor of increased security profiling.

    The unusual swap also prompted an inquiry into traditional electoral processes in both countries. The U.S. electoral system has already been under review since the 2016 election; Israel is now convening its own review of how its prime minister has traditionally been selected. The expected leadership change may prompt process changes, as well.

A Joke to Start the Week - "Golf Outing"

It's another Monday and time for another joke to start the week. This week we're sharing a golf joke from the Old Jews Telling Jokes collection by Neurologist Marvin Rachelefsky.

Here's the setup: "I'm on the golf course with my son, and we start to see lightning and hear thunder. As a physician, I'm worried about that lightning. It's a killer." And then...

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.

"The Jews Are Coming" Takes Another Look at Kissing the Mezuzah

In 2014 Israeli satire on TV took a bold step forward with the airing of a new series of sketches called HaYehudim Ba'im (The Jews Are Coming).

Written by Natalie Marcus and Asaf Beiser, the show asks questions about everything, from the Bible to Ben Gurion to the Ashkenazi leadership. Their approach is to  go into the texts and make you think. They say that they give all their subjects a critical look, but they're not attacking, just giving the story a fresh, modern look.

The series ran for three seasons on Israeli TV, all in Hebrew. Some of the half-hour episodes were divided into video clips and published on YouTube with English subtitles.  

Not all of the situations are Biblical.  Some, like today's video about kissing a mezuzah, take a satiric look at activities in Jewish life.

IF YOU DON'T SEE THE ENGLISH SUBTITLES, CLICK ON THE SETTINGS ICON AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN AND CLICK ON "HEBREW-ENGLISH SUBTITLES." 

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.


 

Cantor Naftali Hershtik and the Maccabeats Join The Shabbat Project in Singing Havdalah Around the World

Back in 2014 Cantor Netanel Hershtik and the Maccabeats joined singers all around the world in ending a very special Shabbat sponsored by The Shabbat Project with the singing of Havdalah.

The Shabbat Project was introduced in South Africa in 2013 to quite astonishing effect. On the Shabbat over which it ran, close to 70 percent of the country’s 75,000 Jews kept Shabbat in full, most for the first time in their lives. Perhaps more significantly, the initiative drew people together in way s never seen before.

In the aftermath, many wrote in from around the world, wanting to bring the initiative to their own cities and communities. And so, the international Shabbat Project was born.
It has already been described as "an experiment that has no precedent in modern Jewish history,” and “the most ambitious Jewish unity initiative ever undertaken,” with around 1500 partners in 340 cities.

Wishing you a Shabbat shalom and a Havdalah like this one at the end of Shabbat.

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.

Throwback Thursday Comedy Special: Dean Martin and Vic Damone Join Allan Sherman in a Medley of His Parodies

Allan Sherman dominated the world of song parody during the 1960s and recorded eight albums.  Listening to or reading his lyrics is a crash course in pop culture of the 1960s, with Sherman taking satiric swipes at summer camp, psychiatry, fad diets, Hadassah ladies, school dropouts, and upward mobility.

He usually performed alone, but in this rare undated video clip, probably on The Dean Martin Show, Sherman joined Martin and Vic Damone in performing a medley of his best parodies. None of the songs are sung in their full versions, but there is enough of each one to make you laugh and search for the old records.

Here is the complete list:
Pop Hates The Beatles (Pop Goes The Weasel) (Allan Sherman, Vic Damone & Dean Martin), That's A Mormon (That's Amore) (Martin), Brenda Lee (Tenderly) (Damone), God Bless You Gerry Mendlebaum (God Bless You Merry Gentlemen) (Sherman), Bela Lugosi (Besame Mucho) (Dean Martin), Aura Lee (Damone), Hello Young Lovers (Sherman), Day In Day Out (all three), You're Getting to Be A Rabbit With Me (You're Getting to Be A Habit With Me) (Damone), Goldman's Earrings (Golden Earrings) (Sherman), Wonton Soup (Wanting You) (Sherman), Egg Foo Young (They Tried To Tell Us We're Too Young) (Damone), Chow Mein (Charmaine) (Martin), Love Is Where You Find It (Sherman), Old Lang's Sign (Auld Lang Syne) (Damone), Comin' Thru the Rye (Comin' Thro the Rye) (Martin), Don't Buy The Liverwurst (Down By The Riverside) (all three)

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.




#Throwback Thursday    #TBT

Fiddler on the Roof - in Yiddish ! Interview with Star Steven Skybell and Director Joel Grey

We saw the new Folksbiene production of Fiddler on the Roof in Yiddish when it first came out last year. Since then we've been talking about it with friends who joined the crowds who trekked down to the tip of Manhattan to see the production that was extended many times.

Now it's moved to an off-Broadway location for an extended run through September 1.

In an interview with Laura Heywood than runs for 30 minutes, Steven Skybell, the actor who plays the lead role of Tevye, and Joel Grey, Oscar and Tony award winning actor and the show's director, sit down in front of a studio audience and tell their personal stories about the show and what it means to them.

It's a somewhat longer video than we usually post, but we think it's worth the time to watch.

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.