Thursday, March 21, 2019

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2018


Today we celebrate the holiday of Purim which started last night with the reading of Megillat Esther. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. 




There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars). But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers. Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2018 merited consideration for this prestigious award. Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition. Here are the best films of 2018 with a brief description of each one.


AQUAMAN: An excitement and CGI-packed story of Nachshon ben Aminadav, the first to jump into the Red Sea before the waters parted.
A QUIET PLACE: A time-traveling Haman goes from shul to shul on Purim, devastated to discover that no matter where he goes, his name gets booed.
A STAR (ESTHER) IS BORN: Before she was a queen, she was an aspiring country singer. Then she found someone who believed in her. The Esther and Mordechai story gets the Hollywood treatment, starring Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper.
AT ETERNITY’S GATE: When the Rabbi's Yom Kippur sermon nears the two-hour mark, congregants begin to daydream about a myriad of ways they can end his contract.
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: Inspired by 'the '80's hit "Footloose", this spirited musical highlights one brave cantor's efforts to engage his millennial congregants with updated rock-inspired Shabbos Niggunim, while facing fierce opposition from their traditional parents.
BUMBLEBEE: A bee who's had it with the annual production demands for Rosh Hashanah honey decides to unionize his hive.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?: One woman's year-long journey of redemption after accidentally serving her Passover guests Kitniyot.
FREE SOLO: Chaos ensues when the shul's kiddush committee announces that in preparation for Pesach, they are giving away all the shul's plastic cups on a first-come, first-serve basis.
INSTANT FAMILY: A newly-married ultra-Orthodox woman’s job is done when she learns that she’s pregnant with octuplets.
OCEAN’S EIGHT: When two of their friends cancel, a group of eight observant Jews sadly spend their beach weekend trying to find two Jews to round out their minyan.
RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET: Ralph comes back from a second year at an ultra-Orthodox yeshiva believing that the internet is forbidden, but his attempts to destroy the family router are thwarted when he discovers his parents have become obsessed with watching Shtisel on Netflix.
RIVERDALE: Archie, Jughead, Betty and Veronica meet their new neighbors, ten modern Orthodox couples who just moved into the Imperial and are all expecting.
SKIN: The Rebbetzin shocks an entire community when her 'flesh'- colored sleeves and stockings look too much like the real thing.
SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDERVERSE: A multi-generational epic about a family of trapeze artists that have volunteered to check one community's Eruv for more than 100 years- using highly unorthodox methods. 
THE CAPTAIN MARVELOUS MRS. SHTISEL: The ultimate origin story of a Haredi woman turned standup comic turned superhero.
THE FAVOURITE: When three children all become doctors, their parents start ranking them by how many grandchildren they've produced.
THE WIFE: After a group of struggling yeshiva students takes on more Pesach kashering gigs than they can possibly handle, they secretly hire their Rebbe's wife to teach them the secrets of making Pesach in half the time (web series spin-off coming soon).
VICE: Inspired by the best-selling book “Murder at the Minyan,” a synagogue’s vice president is accused of murdering family members of his congregants to keep the daily minyan up and running.
WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?: In a small town filled with Shabbat observers, a non-Jewish family is wined and dined by locals, all hoping to live next to the Shabbos goy.




Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Rabbis Establish New Blessings for Today's Secular Encounters (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther tonight. It is read again tomorrow morning, March 21. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 3 of our Purim spoof: Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2017.

Rabbis Establish New Blessings  
for Today’s Secular Encounters
   
    FAIR LAWN, March 21 —Rabbis of all denominations worldwide have come together to propose an update to their traditional siddurim (prayer books) in the category of Birkat Hanehenin (prayers for various occasions.)

    Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform prayer books already have special prayers for such occasions as hearing good news, recovering from a serious illness, or escaping from danger. But until today there have been no special prayers for coping to mark modern situations.

    The proposed new prayers ask for God’s guidance in undertaking new ventures such as going on a JDate or entering a voting booth, and expressing gratitude to God for ending a government shutdown.

    The rabbis also voted to include a new series of Al Chet confessions in the traditional Yom Kippur liturgy, focusing on misdeeds that may emerge from secular world encounters like those covered by these new prayers. 

     ON GOING ON A FIRST JDATE
     Blessed art thou....who creates diverse species.

     ON ENTERING A VOTING BOOTH
     May it be thy will that we make wise choices.

     ON SURFING THE INTERNET
     Tefilat Haderech (Prayer for starting a perilous journey)

     ON STARTING TO STREAM A NEW TV SERIES
     May it be thy will that every episode be worth our time watching it.

     ON COMPLETING A TV SERIES:
     Hadran alach (insert name of TV series) v’hadran alan
     (same prayer as said upon completion of a volume of Talmud.)

     ON SENDING AN E-MAIL MESSAGE:
     May it be thy will that this message not be hacked and not find its way to Wikileaks.

     ON OPENING A WEB LINK IN AN E-MAIL MESSAGE:
     May it be thy will that this link will lead us only to Torah, chuppah, and doesn’t install a         virus and cause my computer to crash.
   
     ON SUBSCRIBING TO FACEBOOK:
     May we be protected from sending and receiving lashon hara.

     ON BOARDING A FLIGHT TO LAS VEGAS
     May it be thy will that we hit the jackpot this time.

     ON THE END OF A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN:
     Blessed art thou.....for restoring sanity to elected officials.
 

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Trump, Netanyahu Swap Roles, Countries (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday Night March 20. It is read again on Thursday morning, March 21. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: Rabbis Establish New Blessings  for Today’s Secular Encounters.
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TRUMP, NETANYAHU SWAP ROLES, COUNTRIES
Trump Quits U.S. Presidency, Aims for Israel Prime Ministry;
Netanyahu Quits as Israel PM, Sets Sights on White House;
Opposition Cries “Collusion” and “Obstruction”

FAIR LAWN, NJ, March 21 – As election fever heats up in Israel and the U.S., Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and President Donald Trump shocked the world by announcing “the deal of the century.” 

    Trump and Netanyahu will report to the United States Embassy in Jerusalem where they will resign their current posts and swap citizenships. Then both leaders will officially enter the election races in their newly adopted countries as independent candidates.
   
    With a handshake to seal the deal, the two leaders acknowledged that the swap was influenced by their popularity decline in their own countries and their increased popularity in their newly adopted countries.

    Opposition parties in both countries reacted immediately with alarm, setting off rallies in Washington and Jerusalem to protest the “collusion” between right-wing factions in Israel and the U.S. and “obstruction” of their time-tested electoral processes.

    Both left-wing and right-wing coalitions challenged Netanyahu’s right to become an American citizen overnight, but yesterday President Trump signed an executive order giving Bibi an exemption because he “looks and speaks like an American.”

    Similar opposition in Israel challenged Trump’s right to become an Israeli citizen overnight, but yesterday Prime Minister Netanyahu signed a similar order granting an exemption to Trump because of his recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s eternal capital and moving the U. S. Embassy to Jerusalem.

    The Trump-Netanyahu pact left political parties and agendas in disarray in both countries. Members of Congress and the Knesset would not comment on any policy changes both governments face as a result of the swap.

    Both leaders said that after winning their elections they will outlaw political correctness and moral equivalence in favor of increased security profiling.

    The unusual swap also prompted an inquiry into traditional electoral processes in both countries. The U.S. electoral system has already been under review since the 2016 election; Israel is now convening its own review of how its prime minister has traditionally been selected. The expected leadership change may prompt process changes, as well.

Monday, March 18, 2019

A Joke to Start the Week - "Golf Outing"



It's another Monday and time for another joke to start the week. This week we're sharing a golf joke from the Old Jews Telling Jokes collection by Neurologist Marvin Rachelefsky.

Here's the setup: "I'm on the golf course with my son, and we start to see lightning and hear thunder. As a physician, I'm worried about that lightning. It's a killer." And then...

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

"The Jews Are Coming" Takes Another Look at Kissing the Mezuzah



In 2014 Israeli satire on TV took a bold step forward with the airing of a new series of sketches called HaYehudim Ba'im (The Jews Are Coming).

Written by Natalie Marcus and Asaf Beiser, the show asks questions about everything, from the Bible to Ben Gurion to the Ashkenazi leadership. Their approach is to  go into the texts and make you think. They say that they give all their subjects a critical look, but they're not attacking, just giving the story a fresh, modern look.


The series ran for three seasons on Israeli TV, all in Hebrew. Some of the half-hour episodes were divided into video clips and published on YouTube with English subtitles.  

Not all of the situations are Biblical.  Some, like today's video about kissing a mezuzah, take a satiric look at activities in Jewish life.

IF YOU DON'T SEE THE ENGLISH SUBTITLES, CLICK ON THE SETTINGS ICON AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN AND CLICK ON "HEBREW-ENGLISH SUBTITLES." 

Enjoy!

A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.