Daf Yomi Daily Talmud Study Program to Include Newly Found Tractates (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Monday night. It is read again Tuesday morning, March 10. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2020 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2019.

DAF YOMI DAILY TALMUD STUDY PROGRAM
TO INCLUDE NEWLY FOUND TRACTATES

7.5 Year-long Cycle Will Be Extended to Include
Tractates Nappin, Fressin, Tantzen, Kvetchin, and Votin


     FAIR LAWN, NJ, March 10 -- In 1923 in Poland, Rabbi Meir Shapiro founded daf yomi, an international program to study one page of the Babylonian Talmud a day. Today, an estimated 350,000 Jews around the world study on their own or with a group, reading the bbbTalmud in its Hebrew and Aramaic, or using resources like online guides and podcasts to help them along.
    At the start of the 14th cycle on January 5, participants worldwide rejoiced to hear that the International Daf Yomi Commission decided to add five months to the program to insure that new volumes of the Talmud Baghdadi, recently discovered in Iraq, were included.
    These volumes – Nappin, Fressin, Tantzen, Kvetchin, and Votin — are now in production, and will be ready for distribution at the end of the cycle. Sample pages from each of these volumes have been made available to The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Nappin

MISHNA: It is incumbent upon every male in Israel to nap for three hours every Shabbat. As it is written, V’shinantam l’vanecha. V’shinantam refers to shayna (sleep), and it also means teaching. Therefore, you should also teach your son to sleep on Shabbat. Since this is a mitzvah dependent on a fixed time, women are exempt from napping until their oldest child reaches the age of bar or bat mitzvah.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: Are the three hours in the morning or the afternoon? The Regel BaPeh replies: In the afternoon, after kiddush and a full meal. The Etzba B’Af asks in the name of the Erev Rav, If one naps in the synagogue during the Rabbi’s sermon, does this count toward the three hour minimum? The Regel BaPeh replies in the name of the Sonay Chinam, the ideal situation woud be to nap at least three hours in addition to any napping during the Rabbi’s sermon, but in an emergency, a sermon nap may be counted. The Rodef Kessef agrees, but only if the nap is long enough to allow an elephant to cross the Euphrates and shake himself dry. The Regel BaPeh asks: How long is that?; and the Rodef Kessef replies: About twice as long as it takes a tiger to cross the Tigris.

THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Fressin

MISHNA: From what time is it permissible to begin preparations for kiddush? The Groisser Fresser says: From the time the Torah is taken out of the Ark. The Punkt Farkert says: Fom the time the Chazzan completes the recitation of the Shemona Esrei.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: Why from the time the Torah is taken out of the Ark? To allow enough time for the proper presentation of the cholent, and thereby to give honor to the congregation. The Regel BaPeh  disagrees and holds with the Punkt Farkert that preparations may not begin until the Chazzan completes the Shemona Esrei, to prevent the Chazzan from smelling the cholent, deriving pleasure, and filling his mind with impure thoughts. Why impure thoughts? The Regel BaPeh brings a proof from the Ohf Hagadol that the beans used in Babylon are so potent that inhalation of a microscopic amount can trigger unexpected physical manifestations, which will not give honor to the congregation.
Is it permissible for men to assist with the preparation of the kiddush? The Grobber Yung answers: Yes, because the gematria (numeric value) of kiddush is 410, the same value as Kirk, the captain of the Starship Enterprise, whose motto is “To boldly go where no man has gone before,” – and where else could this be but the kitchen?


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Tantzen 

MISHNA: From what time is mixed dancing permitted at a wedding celebration? The Gilui Rosh says: From when the sages put on their hats and head for the coatroom. The Farkrimpte Punim says: From when the Viennese table is brought out.
GEMARA: The Nechtiger Tog asks in the name of the Farbissiner Kop: Why would the sages go to the coatroom while the band is still playing? The Vilde Chaye answers: Because they have to check to see if anyone is using the coatroom to engage in premarital sex. Why should they be checking at this time? The Unge Potchket answers: Because premarital sex could, chas vechalila, lead to mixed dancing. The Etzba B’Af asks: What does the Viennese table have to do with mixed dancing? The Regel BaPeh answers: The waltz was invented in Vienna, so anything Viennese can bring on a sudden urge to dance with a partner of the opposite sex. The Grobber Yung takes up the questioning: But what  if two wedding celebrations occur at the same time?  Can a guest attend both in the same evening? The Punkt Farkert brings a proof from a famous baraita (external source) – “Mit ein tuches ken men nit tantzen oif tzvei chassenes.” (Editor’s note: The sages of the Talmud Baghdadi were blessed with miraculous vision that enabled them to know future languages and cultures.)


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Kvetchin

MISHNA: When buying grapes one may squeeze and taste one grape before checking out to see if it is fresh and sweet. When buying toilet paper it is forbidden to squeeze the package as it is written in a baraita (ancient writing) “Please don’t kvetch the Charmin.”
GEMARA: The Etbzba B’Af asks: If you can’t decide which of two bunches of grapes you want to buy, can you taste a grape from each bunch? The Regel BaPeh says yes, but only if they are the same color (red, green, or black.) The Punkt Farkert disagrees and says that it is permissible to taste one grape of each color. The Grobber Yung interjects that if one checks out and pays with cash, when receiving change one must be careful not to even touch the hand of the checkout clerk lest it lead to mixed dancing.


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Votin

MISHNA: How does one choose a candidate when all of the choices are bad? One holds one’s nose and casts the ballot. From what time is it permitted to cast a ballot? From the time that the final poll numbers are posted by CNN and FOX. How long is it permitted to wait in line to vote? Not too long, because idle chatter while waiting could lead to mixed dancing.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: How long should you hold your nose? Only as long as it takes to pull the lever. The Punkt Farkert disagrees and says as long as you are in the voting booth. The Grobber Yung says that it depends on the size of your hand and the length of your fingers. As it is written: A man with a big hand is likely to have a big nose. And a long nose may have to be held longer to complete the voting process.

December Comedy Special: Elon Gold on Why Jews Are Better Off Without Christmas Trees

 

Elon Gold is an American comedian, television actor, writer and producer. He starred in the television series Stacked.  He also starred in the short-lived sitcom In-Laws.

 

Known for his impressions, including those of Jeff Goldblum, Howard Stern and Jay Leno, Gold was a judge on the ABC celebrity impersonation competition series The Next Best Thing.Gold was also in the movie Cheaper by the Dozen as a cameraman from the Oprah Winfrey show.

  

Gold attended the Westchester Day School in Mamaroneck, NY and the Marsha Stern Talmudical Academy (MTA)/Yeshiva University High School for Boys in Manhattan, NY. He is a practicing orthodox Jew.

We have posted some of Elon's videos over the years and we'll keep posting them whenever we find a new one.

Here's Elon's lates video, a stand-up routine he did for Stand With Us, an international, non-profit Israel education organization. It's a funny commentary on why Jews are better off without Christmas trees.

Enjoy!


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New Talmud Volume "Votin" Found in Iraq - Our Special Annual Purim Issue

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther tomorrow night, March 23. It is read again on Wednesday morning, March 24. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2016 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2014 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.

NEW TALMUD VOLUME "VOTIN" FOUND IN IRAQ; JOINS FRESSIN, NAPPIN, MEETIN, TANTZEN, PATCHEN

Unearthed Tractate Clarifies How to Vote for Bad Candidates, Polling Place Hours, and How Long to Wait in Line

Special to The Kustanowitz Kronikle

FAIR LAWN, March 23 – In the midst of the continuing struggle of the free world to defeat the armies of ISIS and Al Qaeda, a startling discovery was made last week in an Iraqi cave.

    A team of archaeologists digging alongside Kurdish Peshmerga near the Turkish border discovered a cache of scrolls that included the long-lost Talmudic tractate VOTIN, which details extensive discussions of the laws of planning and running elections.
        Talmudic scholars are fascinated with the implications of the find, as the reasoning of the sages clarifies current issues relevant to the highly contested and greatly anticipated elections in the United States in November.
    The academic world has long believed that this tractate existed but were stymied in the search until now. This new volume joins its companion volumes, all parts of the Talmud Baghdadi, which were discovered in the 1991 bombing of Iraq and in the subsequent search for weapons of mass destruction.
    The Talmudic volumes originally discovered include:
FRESSIN - The laws of preparing and partaking of a shul kiddush
NAPPIN -  The laws of taking Shabbat afternoon naps
MEETIN - The laws of conduct during shul meetings
TANTZEN - The laws of mixed dancing
PATCHEN - The laws of child discipline    Another volume, SHTUPPIN, is still being deciphered, with experts uncertain whether it is about the laws of pushing  an allegorical work alluding to more intimate behavior THE TALMUD BAGHDADI: A Sample Page From Tractate VotinMISHNA: How does one choose a candidate when all of the choices are bad?  One holds one’s nose and casts the ballot. From what time is it permitted to cast a ballot?  From the time that the final poll numbers are posted by CNN and FOX. How long is it permitted to wait in line to vote? Not too long, because idle chatter while waiting could lead to mixed dancing.GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: How long should you hold your nose? Only as long as it takes to pull the lever. The Punkt Farkert disagrees and says as long as you are in the voting booth. The Grobber Yung says that it depends on the size of your hand and the length of your fingers. And you know what they say about  a man with a big hand. A man with a big hand is likely to have a big nose. And a long nose may have to be held longer to complete the voting process.The Ohf Hagadol asks: How long should the voting booths be open? The Groisser Fresser gives his opinion that it should be at least as long as it takes for an elephant to cross the Euphrates River. The Regel BaPeh asks:  How long is that? The Rodef Kesssef replies: About twice as long as it takes a tiger to cross the Tigris River.  MEET THE SAGES OF THE TALMUD BAGHDADI   We have learned much from the pages of the Talmud Baghdadi, but few of us know the sages behind the pages. Here are some brief profiles of the sages quoted in the excerpts from Tractate Votin and the other volumes:The Groisser Fresser was one of the biggest of the sages, literally. His positions were strict, but he tended to be more lenient in is opinions whenever they served to permit the consumption of more food.The Punkt Farkert was a regular opponent of the Groisser Fresser, and took great pleasure in refuting every one of his arguments.The Etzba B’Af was widely known for his penetrating analysis, but did not have many friends because of a lack of personal hygiene.The Regel BaPeh had an uncanny ability to offer soundly reasoned arguments, but somehow tended to use them to undermine his own position.The Ohf Hagadol, always one to seek compromises and find peaceful solutions, was the tallest of the sages but his skin had a yellowish cast, with an almost feather-like texture.The Grobber Yung, as wide across as the Ohf Hagadol was tall, made his mark by barging in to discussions among the more revered sages, punctuating his remarks with obscure references.The Rodef Kessef had a sharp mind for business, and always managed to voice opinions that maximized his financial opportunities.Wishing you a happy and joyous Purim. May the laughter of Purim resound throughout your home on Purim and all year long.                 


 

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Jewish Traces in Unexpected Places: The Talmud is a Best-Seller in South Korea

Last week The New Yorker published a fascinating article about the Talmud being a best-seller in South Korea, finding a place in most homes.

According to the author, Ross Arbes, who studied the Talmud in a day school in Atlanta, the Talmud's presence in Korea is attributable to Marvin Tokayer, a 78-year-old rabbi who lives in Great Neck, New York.

In 1962, Rabbi Tokayer served as an Air Force chaplain in Japan and South Korea, and returned to Tokyo in 1968 as the rabbi of the Jewish Community of Japan.

In the June 23 issue of The New Yorker, Arbes writes:

In 2011, the South Korean Ambassador to Israel at the time, Young-sam Ma, was interviewed on the Israeli public-television show “Culture Today.” “I wanted to show you this,” he told the host, straying briefly from the topic at hand, a Korean film showing in Tel Aviv.

It was a white paperback book with “Talmud” written in Korean and English on the cover, along with a cartoon sketch of a Biblical character with a robe and staff. “Each Korean family has at least one copy of the Talmud. Korean mothers want to know how so many Jewish people became geniuses.”

Looking up at the surprised host, he added, “Twenty-three per cent of Nobel Prize winners are Jewish people. Korean women want to know the secret. They found the secret in this book.”

Here is a clip from the interview:

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Remembering Pete Seeger For More Than His Folk Music

Many of us grew up with the folksongs of Pete Seeger and The Weavers, including Where Have All the Flowers Gone, If I Had a Hammer, Michael Row the Boat Ashore, and Tzena, Tzena. In those days, we didn't pay attention to his politics, only his singing.

In addition to performing Tzena, Tzena, Tzena, Seeger also recorded a version of Dayenu, from the Passover Haggadah, in the 1959 album Folk Songs for Young People. Seeger also performed Hineh Ma Tov with the Weavers in their 1963 Reunion at Carnegie Hall.

Seeger, who died last week at the age of 94, was an activist for many leftist causes, but although pressured to join the anti-Israel BDS movement, he declined to join it.

As Ben Harris wrote in The Times of Israel,

Seeger first visited Israel in 1964 and spent time on Israeli kibbutzim — just the sort of collective communal enterprises he loved. He performed Israeli folk tunes with the Weavers in the 1950s as part of the larger folk revival he was helping to champion. And just two years ago, he recorded a video for the Jewish retreat center Isabella Freedman that recalls the three questions posed by the Jewish sage Hillel.

Seeger was fascinated with Hillel and the three questions attributed to him in Pirke Avot (Ethics of the Fathers). In the video below he reflects on the questions and suggests that they be taught in all schools. 

(A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO MAY NOT BE VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY ON SOME COMPUTERS AND TABLETS.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.)  

On Tu B'Shvat, a Modern Retelling of the Story of Honi the Circle Maker (Honi HaM'agel)

 

Today is the 15th day of the Hebrew month of Shvat, also known as Tu B'Shvat.  No, it's not another fast day.  It's a real holiday, but one without any restrictions.  

 

The holiday is known as Jewish Arbor Day and the New Year for trees.  It's a day to feel good about the bounty of nature, including trees, fruits and nuts, and to enjoy the bounty of Israel, including dates, figs, pomegranates, olives, and carob.

 

The creative educators at G-dcast.com have produced a short video telling the tale of Honi the Circle Maker (Honi HaM'agel) that appears in the Talmud (Tractate Taanit, page 19a).

Often called the Jewish Rip Van Winkle story, one element of the story is Honi falling asleep and awakening 70 years later to see the fruits of the tree that he planted.

Enjoy! Happy Tu B'Shvat!

 

(A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.)