Just Published in Time for Purim: The Kustanowitz Kronikle - 35 Years of Purim Parody

The festival of Purim is only four days away. We read the Megillah next Monday night and Tuesday morning.

Every Purim for the past 35 years we have published a Purim parody edition of The Kustanowitz Kronikle, covering virtually every aspect of Jewish life, and including parodies of hundreds of popular movies. 

This year we decided to retire the series and capture all the fun in a book that's just been published and is available at Amazon.com. It has every Purim issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle from 1988 through 2022 in a full-color, full-size paperback book with hilarious headline stories and parody movie picks.

Here are a few examples:

TRUMP, NETANYAHU SWAP ROLES, COUNTRIES

NEW TALMUD VOLUME "VOTIN" FOUND IN IRAQ; JOINS "FRESSIN", "NAPPIN", TANTZEN","PATCHEN"

"JUDAICARE" PROGRAM PLANNED TO ENSURE THAT ALL JEWS HAVE SYNAGOGUE MEMBERSHIP

RABBIS CREATE TALMUD AMERICANI; NEW LAWS EXTEND HALACHA TO THANKSGIVING AND JULY 4

JEWISH ORGANIZATIONS WORLDWIDE UNITE TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING; FOCUS ON REDUCING HOT AIR

RABBIS TO REQUIRE SHECHITA FOR MANY FRUITS AND VEGETABLES 

TRUMP TEMPLE TENPLEX TO UNITE ALL NEW YORK SYNAGOGUE DENOMINATIONS IN HUGE MEGA-MALL

It's a great gift for yourself and for the hosts of your Purim seudah. And it's selling for only $5.99 with free shipping if you're an Amazon Prime member.

Happy Purim to all of our readers!

Jewish Life Olympics to Return in 2023; South Florida Set to Host the Games (A Purim Spoof)

 This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday night. It is read again Thursday morning, March 17. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2022 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

 

Rabbis Extend Talmud Americani to Include New Tractates Related to Coronavirus (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Thursday night. It is read again Friday morning, February 26. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2021 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2019

Tomorrow we celebrate the holiday of Purim which starts tonight with the reading of Megillat Esther. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2020 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. 

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars). But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers. Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2019 merited consideration for this prestigious award. Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition. Here are the best films of 2019 with a brief description of each one.

PARASITE: A couple is flabbergasted when their son graduates from Yeshiva University, moves back into their house, and decides to learn Torah instead of applying for a job.
TOY STORY 4: A family’s young children revolt when they notice a clear drop-off in gift quality after the first three nights of Hanukkah.
FROZEN 2: Moments before Shabbat, a desperate mother pulls two freezer-burned challot from the back of her freezer and prays her kids won’t complain.
FIVE FEET APART: In the wake of a coronavirus scare, a secular Jewish community adapts the principle of shomer negiah (not touching members of the opposite sex) to apply to all members of the community. 
JOKER: On Simchat Torah, a smart aleck fifth grader gets himself into hot water after tying four men’s tallitot together, causing a chain reaction of separated shoulders and sprained ankles.
A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: The day after Noah and his family emerge from the ark, they hike down Mount Ararat to see if anyone else has survived, leading to the iconic song, "Won't You Be My Neighbor?"
KNIVES OUT: While excavating the Passover boxes from the basement, a New Jersey family discovers it is missing a particular type of cutlery, and that everyone seems to have both a motive and an alibi. A classic whodunit that will contribute to Pesach cleaning procrastination as it keeps you guessing.
LITTLE WOMEN: After decades of witnessing boys proclaim "Today, I am a man" as soon as they reach their bar mitzvah age, a Bais Yaakov class of 12-year-old girls asserts their equivalent identity.
UNCUT GEMS: Community chaos ensues when a family refuses to circumcise their newborn's family jewels.
ROCKETMAN: When a religious Jew goes into space, he finds himself saying the Shema and the Amidah constantly as the shuttle quickly moves through various time zones.
JOJO RABBIT: The behind-the-scenes story of how this kosher for Passover marshmallow treat was created to alleviate seasonal envy evoked by the marshmallow peep Easter candy.
DOCTOR JEWLITTLE: This remake of the 60s classic Doctor Jewlittle features the famous doctor who could talk to the animals on a speaking tour to local synagogues, lecturing on such topics as "What Animals Really Think About Sacrifices" and "Living a Vegan Lifestyle."
MARRIAGE STORY:  An 18-year-old on her yeshiva year in Israel Facetimes her family in America to announce her engagement to a 20-year-old who lives and learns in Beit Shemesh; as her parents struggle with the news, their own marriage begins to unravel.
THE IRISHMAN: The heartwarming story about one shul's Shabbos Goy, and the lengths to which he will go, to keep one community together when an unexpected blizzard threatens the Rabbi's son's bar mitzvah.

Daf Yomi Daily Talmud Study Program to Include Newly Found Tractates (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Monday night. It is read again Tuesday morning, March 10. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2020 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2019.

DAF YOMI DAILY TALMUD STUDY PROGRAM
TO INCLUDE NEWLY FOUND TRACTATES

7.5 Year-long Cycle Will Be Extended to Include
Tractates Nappin, Fressin, Tantzen, Kvetchin, and Votin


     FAIR LAWN, NJ, March 10 -- In 1923 in Poland, Rabbi Meir Shapiro founded daf yomi, an international program to study one page of the Babylonian Talmud a day. Today, an estimated 350,000 Jews around the world study on their own or with a group, reading the bbbTalmud in its Hebrew and Aramaic, or using resources like online guides and podcasts to help them along.
    At the start of the 14th cycle on January 5, participants worldwide rejoiced to hear that the International Daf Yomi Commission decided to add five months to the program to insure that new volumes of the Talmud Baghdadi, recently discovered in Iraq, were included.
    These volumes – Nappin, Fressin, Tantzen, Kvetchin, and Votin — are now in production, and will be ready for distribution at the end of the cycle. Sample pages from each of these volumes have been made available to The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Nappin

MISHNA: It is incumbent upon every male in Israel to nap for three hours every Shabbat. As it is written, V’shinantam l’vanecha. V’shinantam refers to shayna (sleep), and it also means teaching. Therefore, you should also teach your son to sleep on Shabbat. Since this is a mitzvah dependent on a fixed time, women are exempt from napping until their oldest child reaches the age of bar or bat mitzvah.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: Are the three hours in the morning or the afternoon? The Regel BaPeh replies: In the afternoon, after kiddush and a full meal. The Etzba B’Af asks in the name of the Erev Rav, If one naps in the synagogue during the Rabbi’s sermon, does this count toward the three hour minimum? The Regel BaPeh replies in the name of the Sonay Chinam, the ideal situation woud be to nap at least three hours in addition to any napping during the Rabbi’s sermon, but in an emergency, a sermon nap may be counted. The Rodef Kessef agrees, but only if the nap is long enough to allow an elephant to cross the Euphrates and shake himself dry. The Regel BaPeh asks: How long is that?; and the Rodef Kessef replies: About twice as long as it takes a tiger to cross the Tigris.

THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Fressin

MISHNA: From what time is it permissible to begin preparations for kiddush? The Groisser Fresser says: From the time the Torah is taken out of the Ark. The Punkt Farkert says: Fom the time the Chazzan completes the recitation of the Shemona Esrei.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: Why from the time the Torah is taken out of the Ark? To allow enough time for the proper presentation of the cholent, and thereby to give honor to the congregation. The Regel BaPeh  disagrees and holds with the Punkt Farkert that preparations may not begin until the Chazzan completes the Shemona Esrei, to prevent the Chazzan from smelling the cholent, deriving pleasure, and filling his mind with impure thoughts. Why impure thoughts? The Regel BaPeh brings a proof from the Ohf Hagadol that the beans used in Babylon are so potent that inhalation of a microscopic amount can trigger unexpected physical manifestations, which will not give honor to the congregation.
Is it permissible for men to assist with the preparation of the kiddush? The Grobber Yung answers: Yes, because the gematria (numeric value) of kiddush is 410, the same value as Kirk, the captain of the Starship Enterprise, whose motto is “To boldly go where no man has gone before,” – and where else could this be but the kitchen?


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Tantzen 

MISHNA: From what time is mixed dancing permitted at a wedding celebration? The Gilui Rosh says: From when the sages put on their hats and head for the coatroom. The Farkrimpte Punim says: From when the Viennese table is brought out.
GEMARA: The Nechtiger Tog asks in the name of the Farbissiner Kop: Why would the sages go to the coatroom while the band is still playing? The Vilde Chaye answers: Because they have to check to see if anyone is using the coatroom to engage in premarital sex. Why should they be checking at this time? The Unge Potchket answers: Because premarital sex could, chas vechalila, lead to mixed dancing. The Etzba B’Af asks: What does the Viennese table have to do with mixed dancing? The Regel BaPeh answers: The waltz was invented in Vienna, so anything Viennese can bring on a sudden urge to dance with a partner of the opposite sex. The Grobber Yung takes up the questioning: But what  if two wedding celebrations occur at the same time?  Can a guest attend both in the same evening? The Punkt Farkert brings a proof from a famous baraita (external source) – “Mit ein tuches ken men nit tantzen oif tzvei chassenes.” (Editor’s note: The sages of the Talmud Baghdadi were blessed with miraculous vision that enabled them to know future languages and cultures.)


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Kvetchin

MISHNA: When buying grapes one may squeeze and taste one grape before checking out to see if it is fresh and sweet. When buying toilet paper it is forbidden to squeeze the package as it is written in a baraita (ancient writing) “Please don’t kvetch the Charmin.”
GEMARA: The Etbzba B’Af asks: If you can’t decide which of two bunches of grapes you want to buy, can you taste a grape from each bunch? The Regel BaPeh says yes, but only if they are the same color (red, green, or black.) The Punkt Farkert disagrees and says that it is permissible to taste one grape of each color. The Grobber Yung interjects that if one checks out and pays with cash, when receiving change one must be careful not to even touch the hand of the checkout clerk lest it lead to mixed dancing.


THE TALMUD BAGHDADI - Tractate Votin

MISHNA: How does one choose a candidate when all of the choices are bad? One holds one’s nose and casts the ballot. From what time is it permitted to cast a ballot? From the time that the final poll numbers are posted by CNN and FOX. How long is it permitted to wait in line to vote? Not too long, because idle chatter while waiting could lead to mixed dancing.
GEMARA: The Etzba B’Af asks: How long should you hold your nose? Only as long as it takes to pull the lever. The Punkt Farkert disagrees and says as long as you are in the voting booth. The Grobber Yung says that it depends on the size of your hand and the length of your fingers. As it is written: A man with a big hand is likely to have a big nose. And a long nose may have to be held longer to complete the voting process.

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2018

Today we celebrate the holiday of Purim which started last night with the reading of Megillat Esther. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2019 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. 

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars). But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers. Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2018 merited consideration for this prestigious award. Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition. Here are the best films of 2018 with a brief description of each one.

AQUAMAN: An excitement and CGI-packed story of Nachshon ben Aminadav, the first to jump into the Red Sea before the waters parted.
A QUIET PLACE: A time-traveling Haman goes from shul to shul on Purim, devastated to discover that no matter where he goes, his name gets booed.
A STAR (ESTHER) IS BORN: Before she was a queen, she was an aspiring country singer. Then she found someone who believed in her. The Esther and Mordechai story gets the Hollywood treatment, starring Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper.
AT ETERNITY’S GATE: When the Rabbi's Yom Kippur sermon nears the two-hour mark, congregants begin to daydream about a myriad of ways they can end his contract.
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: Inspired by 'the '80's hit "Footloose", this spirited musical highlights one brave cantor's efforts to engage his millennial congregants with updated rock-inspired Shabbos Niggunim, while facing fierce opposition from their traditional parents.
BUMBLEBEE: A bee who's had it with the annual production demands for Rosh Hashanah honey decides to unionize his hive.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?: One woman's year-long journey of redemption after accidentally serving her Passover guests Kitniyot.
FREE SOLO: Chaos ensues when the shul's kiddush committee announces that in preparation for Pesach, they are giving away all the shul's plastic cups on a first-come, first-serve basis.
INSTANT FAMILY: A newly-married ultra-Orthodox woman’s job is done when she learns that she’s pregnant with octuplets.
OCEAN’S EIGHT: When two of their friends cancel, a group of eight observant Jews sadly spend their beach weekend trying to find two Jews to round out their minyan.
RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET: Ralph comes back from a second year at an ultra-Orthodox yeshiva believing that the internet is forbidden, but his attempts to destroy the family router are thwarted when he discovers his parents have become obsessed with watching Shtisel on Netflix.
RIVERDALE: Archie, Jughead, Betty and Veronica meet their new neighbors, ten modern Orthodox couples who just moved into the Imperial and are all expecting.
SKIN: The Rebbetzin shocks an entire community when her 'flesh'- colored sleeves and stockings look too much like the real thing.
SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDERVERSE: A multi-generational epic about a family of trapeze artists that have volunteered to check one community's Eruv for more than 100 years- using highly unorthodox methods. 
THE CAPTAIN MARVELOUS MRS. SHTISEL: The ultimate origin story of a Haredi woman turned standup comic turned superhero.
THE FAVOURITE: When three children all become doctors, their parents start ranking them by how many grandchildren they've produced.
THE WIFE: After a group of struggling yeshiva students takes on more Pesach kashering gigs than they can possibly handle, they secretly hire their Rebbe's wife to teach them the secrets of making Pesach in half the time (web series spin-off coming soon).
VICE: Inspired by the best-selling book “Murder at the Minyan,” a synagogue’s vice president is accused of murdering family members of his congregants to keep the daily minyan up and running.
WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?: In a small town filled with Shabbat observers, a non-Jewish family is wined and dined by locals, all hoping to live next to the Shabbos goy.