Thursday, February 14, 2013

Rabbis Create Talmud Americani; New Laws Extend Halacha to Thanksgiving and Fourth of July

This year Purim is on Sunday, February 24. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2013 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2012 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.

From What Time May Turkey Preparations Begin?
How High Must the Flag Fly? “As High As An Elephant’s Eye.”

Special to The Kustanowitz Kronikle
     FAIR LAWN, February 24 – The National Board of Rabbis, sensing that the nation is growing bored of rabbis, has launched a major new project to extend the halacha (Jewish law) to observance of Thanksgiving Day and the Fourth of July, since Jews are now celebrating these days with as much enthusiasm as the major Jewish holidays.

    They have begun discussing the issues involved with regulating these holiday observances and recording the proceedings in a new set of scriptures called Talmud Americani, to stand alongside the Talmud Bavli and Talmud Yerushalmi.
    The Kronikle’s intrepid reporters have penetrated the inner sanctums of the deliberating rabbis and transmitted some of the livelier discussions for the benefit of our readers. Here are some of the overheard  excerpts:
    How high must a flag fly on the fourth of July? There is a gezeira shava between flags and corn. The Gemara brings forward two beraitot, one from South Pacific and the other from Oklahoma, two seforim written by Rav Rodgers and Rav Hammerstein.
     “I’m as corny as Kansas in August, high as a flag on the fourth of July” and “There’s a bright golden haze on the meadow. The corn is as high as an elephant’s eye.” Corn and height are mentioned in both citations. One might ask of the first citation, how high does a flag have to fly on the fourth of July?
    The answer is obvious by juxtaposing the second citation  – as high as an elephant’s eye. But are we talking about an African elephant or an Asian elephant?  That will have to wait until Elijah the Prophet returns.
    The rabbis discuss another case related to the Thanksgiving holiday.  One asks when it is permissible to start preparations for a Thanksgiving dinner. An answer is proposed based on a reading of another beraita  brought by Reb Sheldon Harnick which says “I’d fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and ducks for the town to see and hear, squawking just as noisily as they can.”
    Reb Harnick continues, “and each loud squawk would land like a trumpet on the ear.” Trumpet must mean shofar, and therefore chicks and turkeys and ducks (turducken) may be prepared from the time the last shofar blast is blown on Yom Kippur.
     This is confirmed by another proof from Reb Hammerstein who says “Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry when I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top.” What fringe could he be talking about except tzitzit? So that is further proof that the optimum time to start Thanksgiving preparations is early in the morning after Yom Kippur but not until it’s time to put on tzitzit before  the Shacharit prayers.