Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks Of The Best Movies Of 2015

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2016 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2015 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2015, with a brief description of each one.

THE BIG SHORT:  A non-Jewish man has second thoughts about conversion once he learns the part about circumcision.

SPOTLIGHT: The local Jewish paper investigates synagogue shondas, including the rising cost of High Holiday tickets and having kiddush without chulent. 

THE DANISH GIRL: A conniving baker deceitfully convinces an entire community that her pastries are actually kosher.

THE HATEFUL EIGHT: Chaos erupts when clueless parents accidentally go all eight nights of Hanukkah without purchasing a single gift for their kids.

ROOM:  After eating too much over a three-day Yom Tov, a man is forced to bring all of his pants back to the tailor.

THE COVENANT: A secular man is attacked and nearly killed by a beard. But after a while, he embraces both the facial hair and the religious devotion that it indicates.

INSIDE OUT: When a man can’t find the bread he hid for Bedikat Chametz, he loses his mind and nearly destroys the house trying to figure out where it went.

TERMINATOR: GENESIS: A cyborg travels back in time to the Garden of Eden to find the and kill the snake that started the human race on its path to destruction.

BROOKLYN: All of the presidential candidates make a pilgrimage to Boro Park to seek the blessing and endorsement of the Bobover, Gerer, Satmar, Vizhnitz, Munkacz, Spinka, Klausenburger, Skverer, and Puppa rebbes.

FANTASTIC FOUR: From laughing at infertility to sitting on idols, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah had stories to tell. Don't miss this new biblical epic exploring the world of the Four Matriarchs.

BRIDGE OF SPIES: When vicious rumors spread, a local rabbi sends two of his trusted congregants to see if the townspeople are indeed using non-kosher bread for the Tashlich ceremony on Rosh Hashanah.

THE WEDDING RINGER:  When a local couple gets engaged, members of the community battle over which of their cousins is the best diamond dealer on 47th Street.

FURIOUS 7: An Israeli is beside himself when he learns that a springtime trip to America will mean one extra day of eating matzah.

THE PEANUTS MOVIE: An animated film about legumes desperately trying to be accepted on Passover.
ANT-MAN:  A romantic comedy featuring JDate’s tallest subscriber. 

THE NIGHT BEFORE:  Erev Passover, three lifelong friends pursue invitations to the ultimate chametz party. 

Wishing you a happy and joyous Purim. May the laughter of Purim resound throughout your home on Purim and all year long.

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