Monday, March 9, 2020

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks of the Best Movies of 2019

Tomorrow we celebrate the holiday of Purim which starts tonight with the reading of Megillat Esther. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2020 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. 

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars). But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers. Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2019 merited consideration for this prestigious award. Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition. Here are the best films of 2019 with a brief description of each one.

PARASITE: A couple is flabbergasted when their son graduates from Yeshiva University, moves back into their house, and decides to learn Torah instead of applying for a job.
TOY STORY 4: A family’s young children revolt when they notice a clear drop-off in gift quality after the first three nights of Hanukkah.
FROZEN 2: Moments before Shabbat, a desperate mother pulls two freezer-burned challot from the back of her freezer and prays her kids won’t complain.
FIVE FEET APART: In the wake of a coronavirus scare, a secular Jewish community adapts the principle of shomer negiah (not touching members of the opposite sex) to apply to all members of the community. 

JOKER: On Simchat Torah, a smart aleck fifth grader gets himself into hot water after tying four men’s tallitot together, causing a chain reaction of separated shoulders and sprained ankles.
A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: The day after Noah and his family emerge from the ark, they hike down Mount Ararat to see if anyone else has survived, leading to the iconic song, "Won't You Be My Neighbor?"
KNIVES OUT: While excavating the Passover boxes from the basement, a New Jersey family discovers it is missing a particular type of cutlery, and that everyone seems to have both a motive and an alibi. A classic whodunit that will contribute to Pesach cleaning procrastination as it keeps you guessing.
LITTLE WOMEN: After decades of witnessing boys proclaim "Today, I am a man" as soon as they reach their bar mitzvah age, a Bais Yaakov class of 12-year-old girls asserts their equivalent identity.
UNCUT GEMS: Community chaos ensues when a family refuses to circumcise their newborn's family jewels.
ROCKETMAN: When a religious Jew goes into space, he finds himself saying the Shema and the Amidah constantly as the shuttle quickly moves through various time zones.
JOJO RABBIT: The behind-the-scenes story of how this kosher for Passover marshmallow treat was created to alleviate seasonal envy evoked by the marshmallow peep Easter candy.
DOCTOR JEWLITTLE: This remake of the 60s classic Doctor Jewlittle features the famous doctor who could talk to the animals on a speaking tour to local synagogues, lecturing on such topics as "What Animals Really Think About Sacrifices" and "Living a Vegan Lifestyle."
MARRIAGE STORY:  An 18-year-old on her yeshiva year in Israel Facetimes her family in America to announce her engagement to a 20-year-old who lives and learns in Beit Shemesh; as her parents struggle with the news, their own marriage begins to unravel.
THE IRISHMAN: The heartwarming story about one shul's Shabbos Goy, and the lengths to which he will go, to keep one community together when an unexpected blizzard threatens the Rabbi's son's bar mitzvah.

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