A Comedy Reporter Tries Her Hand Selling at the Jerusalem Shuk

Molly Livingstone, co-founder of the Jerusalem-based comedy troupe HaHafuch, took a day off to try her hand as a vendor in Machaneh Yehuda, the famous shuk (market) in Jerusalem.

Combining her experience in improv comedy and reporting with an understanding of what it means to be an immigrant in Israel, Molly learned a few lessons in how to sell and how not to sell everything from peppers and pita to fresh fish.

The stall owners seemed to take the reporter's antics in good spirits and joined in the fun.

Enjoy!

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Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks Of The Best Movies Of 2012

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2013 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

 

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.

 

This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2012 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2012, with a brief description of each one.

 

LES MISERABLES: The story of a revolution in the Jewish Quarter of Paris, where women preparing for Pesach find that they can’t take one day more, because at the end of the day they have nothing but matzah.

SILVER LININGS PRAYBOOK: Sensing pessimism among his congregants, a rabbi uses White-Out to remove every negative passage in his synagogue’s siddurim.

FLIGHT: On a plane to Israel and desperate for a minyan, nine Jewish men hatch a scheme to convince a Jewish atheist in first class to join the daveners at the back of the plane.

THE FIVE YEAR ENGAGEMENT: An ultra-orthodox Jewish man shocks his community by staying engaged for five years, during which time his eight brothers and sisters all get engaged, married and have children of their own.

MAGIC MIC: A soft-spoken orthodox rabbi takes voice lessons so his congregants can better hear him, which leads to swirling rumors about a hidden microphone existing somewhere under the bimah.

TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE: A cantor is fired in the middle of Musaf on Yom Kippur when the strict members of his congregation disapprove of the way he bows during Aleinu.

MAN ON A LEDGE: A gabbai successfully lobbies to have a railing installed around the narrow bimah after one too many close calls during Hagbah.

ABRAHAM: VAMPIRE HUNTER: A new look at Abraham’s early years in Haran. What was his father’s business anyway, and were those really idols he smashed?

TWO DAYS IN NEW YORK: Find out how long it takes a recent college graduate to move to the Big City, go to shul on the Upper West Side, and find his bashert.

LIFE OF PIE: A first-time faster spends every moment of his Yom Kippur fast dreaming of exactly how he’ll break it.

THE HUNGER GAMES: Forbidden to ingest dairy because of lactose intolerance, grains because of digestive problems, and fruits and vegetables because they may contain small bugs that render them unkosher, a family prepares for Passover.

BREAKING DAWN, PART I: In B’nai B’rak, the rabbis would sit and discuss the Exodus all night, until their students came to tell them it was time for the morning prayers. This two-part mini-series examines the famous Haggadah story from the perspectives of the first-century students who roused the rabbis to their prayer duties.

JACK REACHER: When a man realizes that his morning newspaper is sitting several feet outside of the eruv, it’s time to get creative.

HOPE SPRINGS: A Hebrew poet seeks refuge in a spa and is inspired to write Hatikvah, Israel’s national anthem.

Rabbis Create Talmud Americani; New Laws Extend Halacha to Thanksgiving and Fourth of July

This year Purim is on Sunday, February 24. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2013 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2012 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.

RABBIS CREATE TALMUD AMERICANI; NEW LAWS EXTEND HALACHA TO THANKSGIVING AND JULY 4
From What Time May Turkey Preparations Begin?
How High Must the Flag Fly? “As High As An Elephant’s Eye.”

Special to The Kustanowitz Kronikle

     FAIR LAWN, February 24 – The National Board of Rabbis, sensing that the nation is growing bored of rabbis, has launched a major new project to extend the halacha (Jewish law) to observance of Thanksgiving Day and the Fourth of July, since Jews are now celebrating these days with as much enthusiasm as the major Jewish holidays.

    They have begun discussing the issues involved with regulating these holiday observances and recording the proceedings in a new set of scriptures called Talmud Americani, to stand alongside the Talmud Bavli and Talmud Yerushalmi.

 
    The Kronikle’s intrepid reporters have penetrated the inner sanctums of the deliberating rabbis and transmitted some of the livelier discussions for the benefit of our readers. Here are some of the overheard  excerpts:

    How high must a flag fly on the fourth of July? There is a gezeira shava between flags and corn. The Gemara brings forward two beraitot, one from South Pacific and the other from Oklahoma, two seforim written by Rav Rodgers and Rav Hammerstein.

     “I’m as corny as Kansas in August, high as a flag on the fourth of July” and “There’s a bright golden haze on the meadow. The corn is as high as an elephant’s eye.” Corn and height are mentioned in both citations. One might ask of the first citation, how high does a flag have to fly on the fourth of July?

    The answer is obvious by juxtaposing the second citation  – as high as an elephant’s eye. But are we talking about an African elephant or an Asian elephant?  That will have to wait until Elijah the Prophet returns.

    The rabbis discuss another case related to the Thanksgiving holiday.  One asks when it is permissible to start preparations for a Thanksgiving dinner. An answer is proposed based on a reading of another beraita  brought by Reb Sheldon Harnick which says “I’d fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and ducks for the town to see and hear, squawking just as noisily as they can.”

    Reb Harnick continues, “and each loud squawk would land like a trumpet on the ear.” Trumpet must mean shofar, and therefore chicks and turkeys and ducks (turducken) may be prepared from the time the last shofar blast is blown on Yom Kippur.

     This is confirmed by another proof from Reb Hammerstein who says “Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry when I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top.” What fringe could he be talking about except tzitzit? So that is further proof that the optimum time to start Thanksgiving preparations is early in the morning after Yom Kippur but not until it’s time to put on tzitzit before  the Shacharit prayers.

Comedy Showcase: Meet Yuval Haklai, Israeli Stand-up Comedian

Yuval Haklai is a former Israel Defense Forces soldier, writer, and stand-up comedian. Last month he did a routine for the Jewish National Fund in San Diego, California. His shtick includes contrasting Israel and America -- foods, supermarkets, nicknames, and his Jewish mother.

In this video Yuval talks about his relationship with his mother and leads the audience in singing a parody version of Queen's pop hit Bohemian Rhapsody.

Enjoy!

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Israeli Haredi Rabbis Meet to Regulate Shapes of Bourekas

(PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A PURIM PARODY OR JOKE)

Photo: Vosisneias.com

Israeli Haredi rabbis are moving toward regulation of the shapes of bourekas, the popular puff pastry filled with morsels of potato, cheese, mushroom, spinach, and various other fillings including meat. 

They are concerned that if bourekas continue to be baked in the same shape whether they are filled with meat, dairy, or vegetable mixtures, the public will become confused and possibly serve the meat bourekas at a dairy meal or cheese bourekas at a meat meal.

As Sandy Eller wrote in Vosizneias.com,

In a meeting with members of the baking industry, Rabbi Chagi Bar Guriya of the Rabbanut Harashit, demonstrated how despite their different shapes, it almost impossible to determine the filling of any closed pastry including bourekas, cigars and croissants, which has in the past created problems for both kosher consumers and those with food allergies.

Saying that the health concerns for those with food allergies is an even greater problem than the potential kashrus issues, R’ Bar Guriya suggested that perhaps a new industry standard be adopted, with all pareve bourekas being completely closed, while those with dairy fillings be left partially opened so that their filling is visible, or using different shapes to designate the type of pastry filling.

Members of the baking industry who were present at the meeting countered that not all the suggestions made would be possible to implement and further requested that any decisions made should be enforced throughout the entire country.

The Rabbanut Harashit is expected to decide on an official policy shortly.

As is often the case, the comments by Vosizneias readers are more interesting than the articles. Some make fun of the seriousness shown by the rabbinate on this issue and point out that there are more pressing issues that should command their attention. Others quote sacred texts and direct readers to chapter and verse justifying unique shapes for meat and dairy products.

Some examples:

You have GOT to be kidding!

I wish they'd meet about how best to protect children within their communities at least as often as they meet about bourekas/croissants/pastries.

There are about 1,000 issues they need to tackle before they deal with this so-called "problem".

All satirical cynics can scoff all they want, but opening up Yorah Deah Ch 97 and view the content there will seperate (sic) between fact and paradiddle.

We think that regulating size and shape of baked goods is a slippery slope that could lead to changing the appearance of cheese danish, limiting the size of soft drinks, and keeping the cigars separate from the partially open bourekas lest they (chas v'chalilah) lead to mixed dancing. Somehow our local kosher bakery found a simpler solution: all dairy baked goods are on gold trays, next to a sign that says all items on gold trays are dairy. 

(A tip of the kippah to Jack Kustanowitz for bringing this story to our attention.)

A Joke to Start the Week: "The Waiter"

It's Monday morning and our readers in the Northeast are still digging out from the biggest snowstorm of the year. So would it hurt to laugh a little?

Today's joke teller is Annie Korzen, the comedy writer and performer whose yenta routine we posted a few days ago to much acclaim. You asked for more, so here it comes, short and sweet. This joke is a family-friendly one from the Old Jews Telling Jokes collection.

Annie, in addition to her solo shows, lectures, and Old Jews Telling Jokes routines, is a blogger and the author of a book, Bargain Junkie: Living the Good Life on the Cheap.

Enjoy!

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Hail to the Knish - Enthusiasts March in Knish Alley

Laura Silver is a true knishionado, a knish aficionado. She has spent years researching and lecturing on the history of the humble hunk of dough stuffed with potatoes, onions, and other ingredients.

In October 2010, Laura Silver's love of knishes led her to pay homage to Second Avenue, formerly known as "Knish Alley," the legendary home of Yiddish Theater in New York City for most of the Twentieth Century. Her solemn procession culminated in a visit to a former theater (now a movie house) and a stop at the Yiddish Hall of Fame on Second Avenue and East 10th Street.

Passersby were treated to the site of a five foot knish walking up Second Avenue. But this is New York, after all, and it's not the strangest thing that New Yorkers have been exposed to.

If the march and Lower East Side tour make you hungry for a real knish, we're also including a video showing you how to make knishes from scratch.

Enjoy!

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"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" to Keep Us From Welcoming Shabbat: A New Twist to Lecha Dodi

As residents of New York, New Jersey, and New England batten down the hatches and get ready for what's being forecast as a major snowstorm today and tomorrow, we have to wonder...is there any snowstorm too snowy to keep us from Shabbat?

According to Rock musician and educator Naomi Less, there "Ain't no mountain high enough..." to keep us from Shabbat. Less wrote new lyrics to the 1967 R&B hit recorded by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell and morphed it into a new twist on Lecha Dodi, the liturgical song that's a highlight of the Friday night Shabbat service.

Enjoy, and Shabbat Shalom! 

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Comedienne Annie Korzen (Seinfeld, Old Jews Telling Jokes) - Yenta Unplugged

If there's anyone who knows how to make an audience laugh, it's Annie Korzen, a writer and performer who has appeared on Seinfeld and other TV shows, and is a regular on Old Jews Telling Jokes.

Korzen began her career as an actress-writer in New York's Off-Broadway scene. She has also worked in films (Tootsie, Stardust Memories, etc.). In Los Angeles, Annie had a recurring role on Seinfeld, playing Doris Klompus in the Florida condo. She also has been on E.R., Judging Amy, Oliver Beene and many other TV shows.

Annie has created two solo shows that combine comedy, original music, and provocative issues. One of them is called Yenta Unplugged, a sophisticated 90-minute celebration of womanhood, from the Bronx to Beverly Hills.

Through hilarious and often poignant tales and songs, Korzen creates 40 characters to serve up the comical trials and tribulations of being female and Jewish in America. 

Here are a few funny scenes from the show. Enjoy!


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A Funny Flashback: The Kennedy Center Honors Mel Brooks

We hope you'll forgive us for maybe overdoing the Mel Brooks blog posts and video clips, but a Chanukah gift from the children -- a 6-DVD set of the works of this living legend -- inspired us to find some more Brooksian material on YouTube and share it with you.

In December 2009 the Kennedy Center paid tribute to Mel with an introduction by Carl Reiner to some of his best work in TV and films. What follows is a collection of clips of some of his funniest moments.

Enjoy!

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Hava Nagila Around the World: In a Kyoto Cafe Called Goblin

In the city of Kyoto, Japan, there is a club called Goblin, probably because of the legends about goblins living in the nearby mountains.

If you happened to be sitting in the Goblin Cafe last week, you would have seen Japanese accordionist Tomoharu Tomaru playing (what else?) an extended version of Hava Nagila.

Starting with a minute and a half introduction which doesn't give a clue where he is heading, Tomaru, who belongs to a band called "Zahatorte" that is active mainly in Kyoto, launches into a zesty version of Hava Nagila. He plays the traditional melody for a couple of minutes, and then goes into a long riff before retuning to the basic melody.

This is the 27th Hava Nagila version that we've posted since starting Jewish Humor Central. The first 26 versions, from Texas to Thailand, from India to Iran, and from Buenos Aires to British Columbia, are all included in our book Jewish Humor on Your Desktop, Volume 4: Jewish Traces in Unexpected Places with links to the videos and backstories.

And now we take you to Kyoto. Enjoy!

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A Joke (Anecdote) From Ed Koch to Start the Week (We'll Miss You, Mr. Mayor)

Ed Koch, former New York City Congressman and Mayor, passed away Friday at the age of 88. His funeral is being held today in Temple Emanuel.

In serving so many years in elected office, he was never at a loss for words, and in the many years afterward as a private citizen, he was never out of the limelight, regularly appearing on television and radio and in newspaper columns, usually with something provocative and funny to say.

When Koch was approached in 2010 by Sam Hoffman, creator of Old Jews Telling Jokes, to join the other old-timers in cracking a joke for the web site, he responded that he doesn't tell jokes, only anecdotes.

OK, so let it be an anecdote. Whatever you call it, when he tells it, it's still funny.

After serving for nine years in Congress representing New York City's 17th and 18th congressional districts, Ed Koch ran in the 1977 Democratic primary of the mayoral election against incumbent Abe Beame, Bella Abzug and Mario Cuomo. Koch ran to the right of the other candidates, on a "law and order" platform. 

When he was looking for voter support in the 1977 election, he made a campaign stop to address a group of 200 Jewish senior citizens in the Bronx. He arrived late, about 10 pm, and some of the attendees were worried about how they were going to get home so late without being mugged. And then he said...

Enjoy!

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Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner Trade Quips as Brooks is Honored by American Film Institute

At the 2012 AFI Conservatory Commencement last year at Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, comedian, writer and director Mel Brooks received an Honorary Fine Arts Degree. It was presented to him by his friend and fellow director Carl Reiner.

Brooks says while he was very honored and very happy, he thought he was going to become a doctor. So he went out and bought a stethoscope and was planning to perform a colonoscopy at Cedars-Sinai.

Reiner and Brooks two exchanged quips and hilarious commentary, including an ad libbed revival of the "2,000 Year Old Man" routine created by the two in 1961.

Brooks' acceptance speech is half funny and half serious as he talks about his experience with Brooks Films, directing serious films like The Elephant Man, Fatso, Frances, The Fly, and 84 Charing Cross Road.

He concludes with some advice for comedy writers: "If you don't laugh when you're writing a joke, a scene, if it doesn't make you laugh, don't write it. Don't say to yourself 'This is funny. They'll like it.' If you don't laugh, nobody will laugh."

Enjoy! 

(A SPECIAL NOTE FOR NEW EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS:  THE VIDEO IS NOT VIEWABLE DIRECTLY FROM THE EMAIL THAT YOU GET EACH DAY.  YOU MUST CLICK ON THE TITLE AT THE TOP OF THE EMAIL TO REACH THE JEWISH HUMOR CENTRAL WEBSITE, FROM WHICH YOU CLICK ON THE PLAY BUTTON IN THE VIDEO IMAGE TO START THE VIDEO.)

 

Old Man River: It's Not What You Say (or Sing), It's How You Say It

Old Man River, one of the most popular songs from Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein's Showboat, was sung by Paul Robeson in the 1936 film version. Robeson plays the role of Joe, one of the dockworkers, who acts as an observer of the action on and off the boat and uses the mournful song to comment on race relations.The simple yet profound sound of Old Man River has led it to become one of the most legendary musical theater songs in American history.

Stanley Daniels, the TV screenwriter, producer, and director who won eight Emmy awards for his work on the Mary Tyler Moore Show, was asked to do an audience warmup before the show. It was never aired on the show, but was captured for posterity. 

To get the audience in a laughing mood, Daniels chose the same song but instead of singing it in a mournful tone, recited it using a Yiddish dialect. It's not what you say, but how you say it. Daniels' recitation had the audience in stitches and in just the right mood to laugh during the filming of the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

In the video below, Paul Robeson sings the song from the film, and at the 2 minute mark, Stan Daniels gives his interpretation.  Enjoy!

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