Thursday, March 9, 2017

Trump Temple Tenplex to Unite All New York Synagogue Denominations in Huge Mega-Mall (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Saturday night, March 11. It is read again on Sunday morning, March 12. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2017 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2016 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.

 FAIR LAWN, March 12 – In a massive show of Jewish unity, the members of all Manhattan congregations have agreed to set aside their differences and unite in the construction of a mammoth mall to accommodate all their needs.
    The mega-mall, to be known as the Trump Temple Tenplex, will be built by the Trump organization on the Sheep Meadow, a 15-acre preserve  in Central Park, a short walk from Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue. Animal rights activists have been assured that any stray
sheep found grazing during construction will be humanely relocated to the Central Park Zoo.
    While Donald Trump is serving as President of the United States, any profits from Tenplex donations and admission fees  will be donated to UJA-Federation.  
    The Tenplex is based on a similar but smaller version built in Fair Lawn, reported on in the March 1990 Purim Edition of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.
    The superstructure will be divided into ten mini-sanctuaries, providing options for Jews of all persuasions. Areas for common use will include a Kiddush Court, a Bris-O-Rama operating room and  amphitheatre, and a Mikveh Motel, consisting of a central mikveh and ten one-bedroom suites for post-immersion relaxation.   Also planned for construction above the Trump Temple Tenplex are apartments for those active synagogue members who spend most of their lives in their shul.
    At press time, the types of services in the ten mini-sanctuaries were not finalized, but
preliminary plans call for  Reform, Reconstructionist, Conservative, Traditional, Original Young Israel Liberal Orthodox, Modern Orthodox, Current Young Israel Strict Orthodox, Yeshivish, and Sephardic.
     For those who consider themselves post-denominational, one mini-sanctuary will be designated as a “Do it Yourself” shul, in which congregants will be able to customize the seating arrangements, height and material of the mechitza, the nusach of the Chazzan, and length of the Rabbi’s sermon. Reservations for this mini-sanctuary are already booked through December 2020.
    The Trump Temple Tenplex is being considered by Jews in other communities as a possible model for similar projects. In Brooklyn, talks are already proceeding toward construction of a Lubavitcher-Gerer-Satmar Triplex. Two more chassidic sects may be added, but not a third. “A Quadruplex or a Quintuplex would be OK, but a Satmar Sexplex, NEVER!” said a spokesman for the Satmar rebbe.
    The Tenplex will offer many advantages. Worshippers will be able to shop around and move from one service to another, until they find a comfortable fit. The two corridors connecting the mini-sanctuaries will be designated as sermon-free zones, to let congregants take a break for banter on sports, the stock market, entertainment, or politics.  
    The massive project does present some problems. One  Orthodox rabbi who spoke on condition of anonymity said that while he approves of the project, he does not want to imply recognition of equal status for those who are “not yet Orthodox.”
     Monumental traffic problems are expected for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, and a building fund is being started for construction of a 5,000-car garage. Rabbis are also expected to be under heavy pressure from their congregations to keep their sermons short, lest their congregants overflow the sermon-free corridors at mid-service and find themselves with meager leftovers at the giant communal super kiddush.     
Be sure to see Jewish Humor Central tomorrow for Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2016 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.


  1. Al, this is your best ever. You should get a Pulitzer for "Yeshivish."

  2. I agree with Mickey Greenblatt -- brilliant!