Tuesday, February 27, 2018

More Rare Talmud Baghdadi Volumes Discovered in Abandoned ISIS Cities (A Purim Spoof)

This year Purim starts with the reading of Megillat Esther Wednesday Night February 28. It is read again on Thursday morning, March 1. We wish a Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers. We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2018 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle. You can download the PDF by clicking HERE. Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah. And coming tomorrow - Part 2 of our Purim spoof: THE KUSTANOWITZ KIDS' PICKS FOR THE 2017 SILVER GRAGGER MOVIE AWARDS.
New Tractates Cover Laws of Supermarket Shopping; 
Include Koifin, Hondlin, Kvetchin, Shtuppin, Noshin, and Shleppin  
  FAIR LAWN, March 1  –  Six months after ISIS forces were driven from Mosul, Iraq, the same team of archaeologists who discovered the long lost Talmudic tractates Nappin, Fressin, Meetin, Tantzen, and Patchen (reported in the Kronikle Purim issues of 1991, 1998, 2003, and 2016) announced the  unearthing of  tractates Koifin, Hondlin, Kvetchin, Shtuppin, Noshin, and Shleppin.
These volumes, found rolled up in a cave near the city, describe the debates among fifth-century rabbis about the laws of supermarket shopping – buying, bargaining, squeezing, shoving, sampling, and delivery. 
The tractates reveal previously unknown details about the everyday lives of ordinary citizens as they go about their tasks of shopping in supermarkets. Here are highlights of some of the rabbinical debates and discussions in each volume: 

Koifin: Can you buy foods that are made from mixtures of dissimilar substances that might be a violation of the laws of shatnez and kilayim?  Does the ban include chocolate chip cookies, fudge swirl ice cream, and raisin bran? 
Hondlin: Can you bargain for a lower price with the produce manager or the cashier?  Does the store owe you money if you present coupons worth more than the cost of the item? 
Kvetchin: Which grocery items are you permitted to squeeze? (See sample on this page). 
Shtuppin: If someone is blocking the aisle with a shopping cart, how much force can you use to push them out of the way? How many lashes do you get for shoving your cart into someone’s cart in the parking lot? How much compensation does the shovee get? 
Noshin: How many boxes of cookies can you open before paying while shopping with your crying, annoying child? 
Shleppin: When checking out at the supermarket, should you consider environmental damage caused by paper and plastic bags, or insist on paper in plastic, damn the environment?

1 comment:

  1. Wonderful. It is definitely a very rare Talmud and so much fun to read.