Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Oscars, Shmoscars! Here Are Our Purim Picks Of The Best Movies Of 2011

Happy Purim to all of our Jewish Humor Central readers.  We hope you enjoy this special Purim spoof from the Purim 2011 issue of The Kustanowitz Kronikle.  You can download the PDF by clicking HERE.  Print it and share it at your Purim Seudah.

There are the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards (Oscars).  But who needs them when the best awards of all are the Silver Graggers.  Jewish Humor Central is proud to present the movie awards from our sister publication, The Kustanowitz Kronikle.

The Silver Graggers are different from the Golden Globes and the Oscars in that there are multiple winners for Best Picture, the only award we give.
This year the Kustanowitz kids have been hard at work, deliberating which films released in 2011 merited consideration for this prestigious award.  Today we are announcing the winners of the annual competition.  Here are the best films of 2011, with a brief description of each one.
MIDNIGHT IN PARIS: An American tourist finds himself in front of a French synagogue at midnight when a young Rashi appears with casks of wine from Provence that he is selling for the Purim feast.

THE HELP: A nanny working for a Haredi family quits her job when her boss gets pregnant with her 17th and 18th babies.

THE DESCENDANTS: After 969 years, Methuselah looks back on his life and tries to remember the names of all his grandchildren.

EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE:  The gripping story of an unaffiliated Jew trying to reconcile his newly discovered heritage with his first experience at an Orthodox kiddush.

MONEYBALL: A young mom creates panic and hysteria at her Passover seder after announcing that her three-carat enagement ring accidentally fell into one of the matzah balls that she was cooking.

DRIVE: With neighbors getting increasingly suspicious, a closeted nonreligious Jew must park further and further away from his Orthodox synagogue each Shabbat morning.

COWBOYS AND ALIENS: When a group of eight Jewish men get lost in Montana, they do everything in their power to find enough Jewish cowboys to help complete a Maariv minyan.

HORRIBLE BOSSES: The story of a woman whose supervisors don’t believe a word of it when she asks for time off to celebrate the last days of Passover.

ACT OF VALOR:  Pushed to the brink by new halachic stringencies over which Ziploc bags are kosher for Passover, an Eshet Chayil goes rogue, blowtorching the entire house instead of just the kitchen.

I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT:  Ruchie Horowitz, a Boro Park mother of ten contends with thirty incoming seder guests, each with different dietary needs.

THE ARTIST: A black-and-white silent film depicting a beautiful and delicate conflict as a baker of unleavened bread meets the seder leader who has attained international fame breaking the middle matzah in two precisely equal pieces.

THE GREY:  The previously cinematically untold tale of Rabbi Elazar Ben Azaryah’s overnight transformation from young Talmudic prodigy to wizened wise man.

TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY: Mrs. Goldberg’s got four children with four different careers. They’re all very good at what they do. But was it too much to ask that one of them - just ONE of them - go to medical school?

MAN ON A LEDGE: Moses is the leader of the Jewish people, but he hides a shameful secret: his paralyzing fear of heights.
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO: While on her junior year abroad in Israel, Aliza changes her name to Lisbeth and gets inked, causing her parents to say, “A tattoo wasn’t enough? It had to be of a fictional, non-kosher animal? Oy.”

IN THE LAND OF BLOOD AND HONEY: Israel’s Ministry of Tourism makes a dreadful advertising misstep.

THE TREE OF LIFE: In this prequel to the famous story of Adam and Eve, we follow the early years of the lesser-known tree in the garden as it grows from seed to adulthood and tells the true story of Man’s first sin.

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