Myq Kaplan, Andrea Rosen and Other Comics To Perform at 92Y Tribeca

If you're anywhere in the New York area, you might want to be at 92Y Tribeca, 200 Hudson Street, at the intersection of Canal and Hudson Streets, next Thursday night, Jan. 14, to take in a performance of Comedy Below Canal. 

The cast will include familiar faces from standup comedy, late night TV, and popular commercials. 

Matt McCarthy (Front Page Films, everyone’s favorite Verizon commercial red-head) and Katina Corrao (The Late Show with David Letterman, Rejected) will host the latest installment of this acclaimed weekly comedy show. Joining them are special guests Myq Kaplan (The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, Comedy Central Presents), Andrea Rosen (Variety Shac, Michael and Michael Have Issues), DC Benny (Comedy Central) and more.

To get you in the mood, here are some video clips of these comedians.  First, here's a spoof that the 92YTribeca comedy team did of the constantly running New York Times commercial, The Week, The Weekend, and The Weekender.

Here's Andrea Rosen in the Yoplait commercial you've probably seen lots of times.

Here's Myq Kaplan at the Comedy Studio.

 

And here's a clip of DC Benny on the Late Late Show.

It's Not Yiddish; It's Not Ladino; It's Yeshivish!

At Jewish Humor Central we try to cover the universe of Jewish activity, and sometimes that includes words, phrases, or sentences in languages other than English.  Hebrew and Yiddish expressions are typically woven into many of the blog posts because they are an integral part of many of the stories that we report from newspapers, websites, and blogs in America, Israel, and throughout the world.

We've noticed that a new dialect is emerging in stories from some of our most quotable sources -- a dialect that, while related to English, Hebrew, and Yiddish, has blossomed into a full-fledged language with all its grammatical and usage trappings.  The new dialect is Yeshivish.

While Yeshivish is not really new, until recently it stayed beneath the surface for everyone but the yeshiva students, their families, and their teachers.  As websites, blogs, and online newspapers and magazines cover more and more news from the haredi and yeshiva worlds, and some of the more interesting items emanate from these sources, we thought that it's time to give the dialect some attention.  It's only fair to let our readers know that some of the terms that we italicize are not Hebrew or Yiddish, but Yeshivish, and that's why you won't find them in Hebrew or Yiddish dictionaries.  But you will find them in Frumspeak -- the First Dictionary of Yeshivish, by Chaim M. Weiser.  A concise description of the dialect, its origins, basic grammar, and relation to other languages can be found in Wikipedia.

According to Weiser, 

Yeshivish is not a pidgin, creole, or an independent language, nor is it precisely a jargon. He refers to it instead, with tongue-in-cheek, as a shprach, a Yiddish word meaning "language" or "rapport".

In addition to the A-to-Z dictionary and rules of grammar, Weiser offers Yeshivish translations of some familiar documents.  What follows are the original English texts of the Pledge of Allegiance and Lincoln's Gettysburg Address and their Yeshivish translations:

THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one Nation under God, indivisible, With Liberty and Justice for all.

I am meshabed myself, b'li neder, to hold shtark to the siman of the United States of America and to the medina which is gufa its tachlis; one festa chevra, b'ezras Hashem, echad ve'yuchid, with simcha and erlichkeit for the gantza oilam.

THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

   

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. 

  

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. 

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. 

Be'erech a yoivel and a half ago, the meyasdim shtelled avek on this makom a naiya malchus with the kavana that no one should have bailus over their chaver, and on this yesoid that everyone has the zelba zchusim.

We're holding by a geferliche machloikes being machria if this medina, or an andere medina made in the same oifen and with the same machshovos, can have a kiyum. We are all mitztaref on the daled amos where a chalois of that machloikes happened in order to be mechabed the soldiers who dinged zich with each other. We are here to be koiveia chotsh a chelek of that karka as a kever for the bekavodike soldiers who were moiser nefesh and were niftar to give a chiyus to our nation. Yashrus is mechayev us to do this.

Lemaise, hagam the velt won't be goires or machshiv what we speak out here, it's zicher not shayach for them to forget what they tued uf here. We are mechuyav to be meshabed ourselves to the melocha in which these soldiers made a haschala--that vibalt they were moiser nefesh for this eisek, we must be mamash torud in it--that we are all mekabel on ourselves to be moisif on their peula so that their maisim should not be a bracha levatulla-- that Hashem should give the gantze oilam a naiya bren for cheirus-- that a nation that shtams by the oilam, by the oilam, by the oilam, will blaib fest ahd oilam.

Aaron Freeman, Modern Day Meturgeman: Torah Reading Like You've Never Heard It Before

In the time of the Talmud, the vernacular was Aramaic, not Hebrew.  Since the Torah is written in Hebrew, there was a need for a translator or interpreter, known as the meturgeman, to listen to the baal koreh, or reader, read from the Torah a sentence at a time, and then translate freely into the common language.  

The meturgeman was not limited to an exact translation.  Rather, he could embellish and gesture, bringing in aggadic stories, illustrations from history, and references to topics of the day -- all to make each sentence better understood by the public.

Most of us do not encounter a meturgeman in our synagogue attendance, but members of the Aitz Hayim Center for Jewish Living in Highland Park, Illinois, or Congregation Shir Hadash in Northbrook, Illinois, have had a modern meturgeman perform this ritual -- Aaron Freeman, a convert to Reform Judaism who is well known as a standup comedian, alum of the famous Second City Comedy Troupe, commentator for National Public Radio, and talk show host.

As the Chicago Jewish News writes,

His own inspiration comes from Amichai Lau-Levie, a nephew of one of Israel's chief rabbis and the founder and executive director of Storahtelling Ritual Jewish Theater, a popular form of Torah service that incorporates performance art, music, drama, dance and drumming.

"Storahtelling involved very big elaborate Torah services," Freeman says. "It got to be a bit much for congregations. It was too expensive to bring them in."

So Freeman - a longtime Jew-by-choice-studied with Lau-Levie to become a kind of one-man Storahteller. Now he plies his venerable trade at his synagogue, Aitz Hayim Center for Jewish Living in Highland Park, one Shabbat a month and hires out to other congregations across the country the rest of the time.

What he provides, he says, is basically a Torah reading that incorporates dramatic commentary, stagecraft and sometimes live music -- just as the historical mavens did.

 Freeman offers his services, at different price points, as a meturgeman, or Torah Maven for synagogues on Shabbat or weekdays, and also performs at Bar Mitzvahs and at Torah study classes.   

Click on the videos below to see Freeman perform as meturgeman of Parshat Lech Lecha at the Aitz Hayim Center for Jewish Living and Parshat Ki Tavo at Congregation Shir Hadash.

It's a Blue Day In Jerusalem As McDonald's Finally Gets Kosher Certification

After nine years of negotiations, the McDonald's hamburger chain and the Jerusalem rabbinate reached an agreement last week whereby the restaurant branch in the Jerusalem bus station would receive their long sought after certificate of kashrut.  The Jerusalem Post reports that they will have to change the signs, uniforms, and paper goods from red to blue, and stop using the famous golden arches symbol on employees' uniforms.  Originally, the rabbinate insisted that the corporation change the name of the kosher branches to McKosher, but the company refused to do so.

Only 24 of the 153 McDonald's restaurants in Israel are kosher, but most of the kosher ones do not have kashrut certification from the rabbinate.  Until now all of the branches, kosher or not, displayed the familiar red and yellow colors on their signs, on uniforms worn by store personnel, and on the disposables served with the hamburgers.

Check out the reactions that JPost TV got from customers interviewed at the newly hechshered branch in the Jerusalem bus station in the video below.

 

Juggling In Israel - Not Just Jobs, Politics, and Army Service - But a Sport

If you said that Israelis are jugglers, we'd be the first to agree.  After all, life in Israel includes juggling careers, army service, politics, even existence.  But with all of the presssures of daily life, who would think that Israelis would find the time to take up the sport of juggling?

Every year since 1988 the jugglers have gathered to show off their stuff at the Israel Juggling Convention.  The 17th annual Israel Juggling Convention will take place from March 31 through April 4, 2010, at Gan HaShlosha National Park (Sachne) near Beit Shean, where the annual shows have been held since 2000.

Juggling goes far back in Jewish tradition.  It is mentioned in the Mishna and five times in the Talmud.  In his article, Juggling in Biblical Times, Raphael Harris writes:

Concerning the phrase of the Mishna, "danced with burning torches," the commentary of Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaki of Troyes, France, 1040-1105 CE) reads as follows: "They would throw them high and catch them. Some were expert with four, some with eight. They would continually throw and catch, throw and catch." Similarly, the illustrious scholar Rabbi Ovadia Yarei of Bartinoro (b. Italy,1440 - d. Jerusalem, 1516) backs up Rashi's opinion with his own: "with four or eight torches they would throw and catch one after the other," thus confirming that the statement in the Mishna is indeed referring to juggling, and not to some other form of entertainment.

Here is a video of some of the participants in the 14th Israel Juggling Convention in 2004, practicing their art in Jerusalem.

(Photos by Scott Seltzer, "Awesomest Juggler in Israel")

Comedy Showcase: Avi Liberman and His Israel Comedy Tours

What do you get when you're an American standup comedian and you take three other comedians on a tour of Israel?  Lots of laughs and funds raised for a worthy cause.  That's what Avi Liberman has been doing, bringing top American comedians to Israel twice a year since 2001.

The shows that he has staged have raised money for multiple charities and have recently been devoted to the Koby Mandell Foundation, which works on behalf of terror victims' families and is named after the 13-year-old who was murdered by terrorists near his Tekoa home on May 8, 2001.

The Los Angeles-based comic has just completed his latest set of performances at major English-speaking population centers around Israel.  Together with Mark Schiff, Steve White, and Butch Bradley, Liberman has kept them laughing in Modi'in, Beit Shemesh, Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and Haifa.  Here is a clip from a previous Israel tour with comics Gary Gulman, Dwight Slade, and Craig Robinson.

Liberman has performed for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and faced audiences in Las Vegas.  Born in Israel and raised in Texas, he has been on stage in comedy clubs from Los Angeles to New York.  He's no stranger to television, having appeared in many TV series and on CBS's Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson.  Here is Liberman's latest Late Late Show apppearance:

(Photo by Joe Hyams)

(A tip of the kippa to Esther Kustanowitz for bringing this to our attention)

An Old Joke To Start The New Year: The Yeshiva Skier

In a slalom race, the skier must pass through about 20 gates in the fastest time.

A very Orthodox Yeshiva in Montreal had an exceptional skier among its students. So fast, that in practice, with tzitzis streaming out behind, he had beaten the world record several times.

After first checking to make sure none of the men's slalom races would be on Shabbat, he tried out for and made the Canadian Winter Olympic team.

With his times in the trial heats, he was the favorite for an
Olympic gold medal.

On the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.

The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.
The Swiss in 38.7 seconds.
The German in 39.5 seconds.
The Italian in 39.8 seconds.

Then came the turn of the Canadian Yeshiva bocher. The crowd
waited, and waited . .. . .

Finally, after a full five minutes, he crossed the finish line.

"What happened to you?" screamed his coach when the skier finally
arrived.

Breathing hard, the exhausted yeshiva student replied, "All
right, who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?"

(A tip of the kippah to Burt Juda and the Jewish Jokes and Humor Yahoo Group)

Need a Yarmulke (Kippa) In An Emergency? If You Have An iPhone, You're In Luck

Did your rabbi walk into a restaurant where you were eating and catch you not wearing a yarmulke?  Did you get pulled into a weekday minyan and not have a kippa in your pocket?  Fear not, for technology has come to your rescue.  This week a new application, iKippa, was introduced in the iTunes Application store for users of iPhones and iTouch.

For only 99 cents, you can choose a photo of a knitted kippa (seruga) or an embroidered white silk yarmulke and have it in place atop your head faster than you can say Sholom Aleichem.  

How does it work?  You start the app on the iPhone or iTouch and it displays the kippa of your choice.  Then place the device on top of your head with the screen facing up, and you're in business.

According to a report in VosIzNeias, this is more acceptable according to halacha (Jewish law) than covering your head with a hand, and of course, it frees both hands for eating or gesturing.

As the iTunes catalog puts it (misspellings included),

For those moments where you need Yamaka and you don’t have one

Now your iPhone can help you with all types of Yamaka’s for the everyday and for special occasions.  Choose your Yamaka design and than flip your iPhone face up, for those rare times when you need to put it on your head.

אל תיתפס בלעדיה. כיפה לכל אירוע, עכשיו באייפון שלך. מיום טוב ועד הכיפה הסרוגה, האייפון שלך הוא כעת גם כיסוי ראש לשעת הצורך.
בחר את העיצוב המתאים לך, והפנה את מסך האיפון שלך כלפי מעלה לפני שאתה מניח אותו על ראשך

Will it work?  Well, even if it is halachically OK, if the wearer doesn't have the poise of a fashion model when walking, or bends over his plate when eating, or shuckles even slightly when davening, you have to believe that the hi-tech head covering will soon be on the floor, and maybe in more than one piece.  Will iPhone insurance cover such uses?  Sounds like a job for the lawyers to tackle.

As the latest iteration of the classic Jewish religious head covering, it has not yet made its way into the catalog of kippot as shown in Wikipedia, but we wouldn't be surprised if it showed up there within a few days.

Terrorism, Shmerrorism! Watch Out For Israeli Drivers, US State Dept. Urges

The US State Department has updated its guide for American tourists traveling in Israel, and has zeroed in on the real dangers facing visitors.  

While not ignoring threats of terrorism, the State Department cautions tourists to be wary of Israeli drivers.  The guide says:

Israeli roads and highways tend to be crowded, especially in urban areas.  Aggressive driving is a serious problem and many drivers fail to maintain safe following distances or signal before changing lanes or making turns.  Drivers are also prone to stop suddenly on roads without warning, especially in the right lane.  Drivers should use caution, as Israel has a high rate of fatalities from automobile accidents.

Ynet News reports that the State Department also warns American tourists of car break-ins, especially in beach areas and national parks, particularly in Caesarea.  It points out that there has been an increase in pickpocketing incidents in cities and cemeteries throughout the country.

What prompted the updating of the guide to focus on Israeli drivers?  We don't know for sure, but we suspect someone in the department may have seen the following video.

New Israeli Jewish Record Set For Divorces - 11 Times and Counting

Some people buy or lease a new car every two years.  An unnamed man from the Jerusalem area has set a new Israeli record (for Jews) by divorcing his eleventh wife, after spending two years with her.  We can't help but wonder who holds the Israeli record for non-Jews.

The man said that his custom is to divorce his wives every two years and immediately start the search for a new bride, according to Matthew Wagner writing in yesterday's edition of the Jerusalem Post.

"I throw out a hook and the fish come on their own," the man is reported to have said.

The article continues,

In his latest marriage, which also lasted two years, the two sides split the debts the husband had accrued. The woman claimed her husband had promised to work but ended up living off her assets and those of her parents.

From all his marital escapades the man has only one child, to whom he is unable to make child support payments. The man said that he regretted divorcing his first wife because it set in motion a never-ending search for the next "experience." 

The man has actually been re-setting his own record for the past several years. The previous Jewish Israeli record for divorces by a single person was six.

Black and White Cookies Singled Out by Orthodox Union as Forbidden to Fast-Exempt Persons

Yesterday's fast of the Tenth Day of Tevet (Assara b'Tevet) was especially difficult for Jews who were exempted from fasting because they were ill, but not seriously, and also for pregnant women, and children.  On its web site explaining the laws of the fast day, the Orthodox Union (OU) singled out black and white cookies as a purely pleasurable form of consumption, which even those who have an exemption should not eat on that day, either in public or in private.  As the article states,  

One who is in the category of being ill-even-without-danger, or who is a pregnant or nursing woman, for whom fasting might be difficult, and all children, are exempt from fasting.  All those who are exempt from fasting should not, in any case, eat publicly or indulge in purely pleasurable forms of consumption (such as eating black-'n-whites), but should eat only that which is necessary for good nutrition.

This ruling opens up a new chapter in food banning, and boldly goes where no one has gone before.  The question now is, how many grams of protein and dietary fiber would qualify a cookie as necessary for good nutrition?  Or is it the ratio of one of these nutrients to sugar or carbohydrates that makes it purely pleasurable?  What about chocolate chip cookies, considered a necessity to many?

The ban on black and white cookies is sure to be reason itself to declare the day a fast day for the 1,761 members of the Facebook Black and White Cookie Fan Club, whether or not they know that the reason for fasting on this day is the start of the siege of Jerusalem by the armies of Nebuchadnezzar in 588 B.C.E., leading to the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash (The Second Temple).

Before banning the black and white cookie, perhaps the rabbinic authorities should have considered its value over and above nutrition, as explained by Reb Jerry Seinfeld in this video:

(A tip of the kippah to Richard Latkin for calling the article to our attention.)

Comedy Showcase: Modi On Stage In Montreal: A Jew Walks Into Home Depot...

Meet Modi Rosenfeld, professionally known as Modi.  He's not a newcomer to stand-up comedy, nor to acting on TV.  But we at Jewish Humor Central hadn't heard of him until he surfaced in a funny video about two Hassidic screenplay wannabes looking for Spielberg that we found and ran as a blog post in November.

Modi has performed at Caroline’s on Broadway, The Comedy Cellar, Comic Strip Live and The Gotham Comedy Club. Modi has appeared on HBO’s The Sopranos, The Howard Stern Show, NBC’s Friday Night Videos, BET’s 10th Anniversary of Comic View, METRO Channel’s New Joke City with Robert Klein, and on Comedy Central’s USO Tour Live from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. 

On film, Modi has appeared in the independent features, "Rubout," "Little Kings," "Connecting Dots" and Rent-a-Husband with Chevy Chase and Brooke Shields. In print, Modi has been featured in Lifestyles Magazine, We the People, and has been a contributor to Fashion Police in US Magazine.

If you're involved in planning a comedy night or comedian-in-residence for your synagogue or organization, Modi is available for these events.

In the video clip below, Modi is on stage in Montreal doing his stand-up routine.  The "Jew walks into Home Depot" bit begins at 5 minutes and 45 seconds into the act.  But it's worth waiting for.
 

Are Imaginary Animals Kosher? Are They Jewish?

If  you think you've heard it all about "Is It Kosher?" and "Who Is a Jew?", you haven't.  In less than two months, Tachyon Publications will publish The Guide to Kosher Imaginary Animals, by Ann and Jeff VanderMeer.

This short, witty book (96 pages), in the planning stages for years and the result of blog posts and comments on the Internet since 2007, reflects on the physical characteristics of a variety of mythical and imaginary animals, and makes mostly tongue-in-cheek decisions as to whether or not they are suitable for ritual slaughter and consumption by kashrut-observing Jews.

The comments on this blog and on others are as funny as the post itself and would be a suitable basis for lengthy discussion around the table at a Purim Seudah.  We found it very much in the spirit of last year's Purim edition of The Kustanowitz Kronikle, in which the front page feature article was "Rabbis to Require Shechita For Many Fruits and Vegetables."

References to The Guide as it nears publication are cropping up in the Jewish media.  The Forward is publishing an article about it in its January 1, 2010 issue (now online), and with the viral nature of the Internet, you'll be seeing a lot about it before February 15.

Which makes us go one step further and ponder a question to which we have not yet found any answers:  Are any of the Dr. Seuss creatures kosher?  How about The Sneetches, The Lorax, Humming Fish, Brown Barbaloots, or Swomee Swans?  And if they're not kosher to eat, do their physical and emotional characteristics make them Jewish and obligated to eat only kosher food?

Let's analyze the possibilities:  First of all, we have to decide if the Sneetches are birds or mammals.  Since they don't have any visible mammary glands, we would rule out that category.  The Torah doesn't give us kosher characteristics for birds, only forbidding birds of prey and specifically named species.
 

Looking at the Sneetches, we would conclude that they are indeed members of the bird family, and since we couldn't find Sneetches mentioned in the scriptures, they are very likely kosher.  Swomee Swans are kosher because all swans are kosher.  Dr. Seuss' drawings do not clearly show scales on humming-fish, so their kashrut is as yet undetermined.  Brown barbaloots appear very similar to bears, which are not kosher animals. 

With regard to other Seussian creatures, we can rule out kosher status for The Cat in the Hat, and all cat-like and dog-like creatures, e.g. Marvin K. Mooney.  Other creatures that resemble non-kosher species, such as Yertle the Turtle, Horton the Elephant, and the Fox in Socks should not show up on your dinner table.

But if they're not kosher, might they be Jewish?

The Lorax, who speaks for the trees, sounds an awful lot like many Jewish environmentalists. The Zaxes, in both North-Going and South-Going varieties, are as stubborn as many Jews we know, and might have some Jewish genes.  And our friends the Sneetches exhibit characteristics of snobbishness and jealousy that we might recognize among our friends and families.

We invite you to comment on these monumental halachic and sociological questions by clicking on "Comments" just below this post, and continuing a lively discussion.
 (A tip of the kippah to Esther Kustanowitz, who spotted the article in the Forward and brought this subject to our attention.)

Politically Incorrect Yentas Get Shot at TV Stardom

What do you get when you combine the yentaness of Linda Richman (Mike Myers' Coffee Talk mother-in-law) and the political incorrectness of Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm?  

You get Ronna and Beverly, a pair of very Jewish divorcees from Boston who collaborated on a (fictitious) self-help book called You'll Do a Little Better Next Time: A Guide to Marriage and Remarriage for Jewish Singles.

The roles of Ronna and Beverly are played by Jessica Chaffin and Jamie Denbo, two comedians who have been entertaining audiences from New York to Los Angeles in comedy clubs and on YouTube.

This year they have been busy making and promoting a Showtime half-hour pilot written with them by Weeds creator Jenji Kohan. Showtime 2 will be airing the half-hour pilot on Tuesday night, December 29 (actually very early Wednesday morning, December 30), at 12:05 am.Eastern Time.  The show was not selected by Showtime to go into full production as a series, but a buzz has been created on the internet by articles in Variety and The Huffington Post, and lots of bloggers and tweeters.

Media insiders were surprised when Showtime didn't pick up the show for their schedule, but that hasn't stopped Chaffin and Denbo from plugging it virally, including on their Facebook page which has 795 fans.

So check out some of their shtick, and if you like it, tell your friends.  Maybe Showtime will take a second look.  Here's a clip of Ronna and Beverly dropping in to a used book store in Los Angeles, as they travel across the country trying to hype their book.

Fly In the Urinal Makes Appearance in Tel Aviv

Does anyone need proof that Israel is a modern country?  Well, here it is.  Today we received a report from a reader that the Fly in the Urinal has been spotted in the men's room at the Ayalon Mall in Tel Aviv.

What's the Fly in the Urinal?  What's humorous about it?  What's Jewish about it?  What does it have to do with the Amsterdam airport and the Obama administration?  We take pride in the research we do before posting a story at Jewish Humor Central, and here is the result.

It turns out that about 20 years ago, Jos Van Bedoff, a maintenance worker at Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam, recalled that when he served in the Dutch army in the 1960s, he noticed that someone had put small, discrete red dots in the barracks urinals, which dramatically cut back on "misdirected flow."  He recommended to the airport Board of Directors that the dots be installed in all the urinals in the airport, but in the form of flies etched into the porcelain.  

Van Bedoff decided that guys want to directly aim at an animal they can immobilize. The ability to use one's natural gifts and achieve victory over the foe while standing is the key, he explained. Guys, he felt, can always beat flies. That's why flies are so satisfying.  And now, they're showing up -- at the men's room in Terminal 4 at JFK Airport, stadiums, around the country, elementary school bathrooms, and, yes, at the Ayalon mall.

The result, research has shown, is an 80%  reduction in misdirected streams.

There's even a web site called UrinalFly.com, where you can buy a pack of stickers with images of ten flies, bullseye targets, or trees, for $9.99.  Packs of 100 stickers are also available.

 The fact that introducing a fly into urinals changes human behavior was explained in a popular book, Nudge, by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein, published in 2008 by Penguin.  Sunstein, after publication of the book, was appointed by President Obama as the administrator of the White House Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, which is under the Office of Management and Budget.  We haven't received cofirmation yet, but we suspect that flies will soon be appearing in the White House lavatories.

So, to get back to our original questions, we think we've answered most of them.  Oh, what's Jewish about it?  Only that you can see it on your next trip to Israel, if you are male and if you visit the Ayalon Mall, Kanion Ayalon, in Tel Aviv.
 (A tip of the kippah to Aliza Kwiat for forwarding the photo taken at the Ayalon mall and inspiring us to research this story.)

Comedy Showcase: Elon Gold - Not ShamWow. ShmataWOW!

Today we're introducing a new feature at Jewish Humor Central -- Comedy Showcase.  From time to time, we'll highlight a Jewish standup comedian, performing his or her shtick in a short video.  We think it's a good idea to get to know up and coming joke and story tellers who have the potential for comedy superstardom.

Some of these comedians will be familiar if you're accustomed to hanging out in comedy or improv clubs, or if you're a regular viewer of late-night television shows.  If you don't frequent those night spots or if you call it a night early, you may not have seen them perform.  Either way, we hope you'll like our picks.  Please give us your reaction via comments on each blog post or in an email to akustan@gmail.com.

Our first Comedy Showcase features Elon Gold.  According to Wikipedia, 

Gold is an American comedian, television actor, writer and producer. He starred in the television series Stacked.  He also starred in the short-lived sitcom In-Laws. Known for his impressions, including those of Jeff Goldblum, Howard Stern and Jay Leno, Gold can be seen as a judge on the ABC celebrity impersonation competition series The Next Best Thing. Gold was also in the movie Cheaper by the Dozen as a cameraman from the Oprah Winfrey show.

Gold attended the Westchester Day School in Mamaroneck, NY and the Marsha Stern Talmudical Academy (MTA)/Yeshiva University High School for Boys in Manhattan, NY. He is a practicing orthodox Jew.

 Here is Elon Gold in a parody of Vince, the ShamWow guy, as performed on the Chabad Telethon in September.  Enjoy!

A Joke to Start the Day: Jewish Personals

Jewish Personals

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.

Source:  JokeCenter.com (submitted by Anonymous) 

Photo:  From innocentenglish.com

Mentsch or Shmuck? Michael Wex Tells How To Be and How Not To Be

There are people out there, millions of them, who act as if they still believe everything that their mothers told them in the first six months of their life: they're the nicest, most beautiful, most promising and intelligent bags of flesh ever to walk the earth, and anybody who can't see it is a jealous fool.

We call these people shmucks. In his new book, How to Be a Mentsh (and Not a Shmuck), published by Harper Collins, bestselling author Michael Wex (Born to Kvetch and Just Say Nu) offers a wise and witty guide to being a good human being (A mentsh) regardless of your religion or beliefs—a blueprint for living a decent and moral life, acting with self-control instead of self-denial, and winning through cooperation rather than competition.

But this is no dull manual about loving thy neighbor. It's a fast-paced and entertaining adventure in the wisdom of the ages, wherever that wisdom may be found: Yiddish proverbs, current events, Talmudic stories, movies, television, and more. Referencing pop culture and Jewish tradition with equal ease, Wex explores the strategies developed by an oppressed people to pursue happiness with their dignity—and sense of humor—intact.

You can get the flavor of the book by reading a few pages from the publisher's website.  It's a very readable combination of humor, etymology, pop culture, and Jewish history.

Here's an interview with the author on WatchMojo.com, where he talks about the art of mentshlichkeit and how to avoid being a shmuck.

Jew Walking: Act II - Chanukah Street Wisdom

One of our first blog posts was Jew Walking - a series of street interviews with comedian/writer Simmy Kay, sponsored by the National Jewish Outreach Program.

The questions about basic Jewish knowledge were asked in front of Zabar's on Manhattan's Upper West Side.  The answers were unpredictable, and funny.

Now, Rabbi Zvi Drizin has taken the concept to Dallas.  He takes to the streets in the West Village area where the Intown Chabad makes its home.  His questions are Hanukkah-related, including the effect of lighting candles on global warming.  Once again, the answers are unpredictable, and funny.

Enjoy!

Happy Eighth Night Of Chanukah! Light All the Candles With the Chipmunks

Tonight's the last night of Chanukah.  It's been fun sharing video clips of Hanukkah celebrations and candle lightings from around the world.  Let's enjoy the last day of Hanukkah singing along with the Chipmunks as they sing a parody of the Chipmunk Song.

We found this video on YouTube, starting with just the audio in 2006, and then with cartoons added in 2008.  We would love to give credit to the creators, but they don't identify themselves on YouTube.  So if you're responsible for this cute video, please comment and take credit for your great work.

On Sunday we're returning to our regular format of one post every morning, Sunday through Friday.  Please be sure to bookmark JewishHumorCentral.com or subscribe using the email subscription box at the top of the left column.  And let your friends know that this is the place to find something to smile or laugh about every day.

Here's the video.  We're reproducing the lyrics and translations of the Yiddish expressions just below the frame.

Dave: All right you chipmunks, ready to sing your Chanukah jingle?
Moishe: Oy, what a day I'm having here...
Simon: Oh, let's sing it anyway
Dave: Ready, Simon?
Simon: OK!
Dave: OK, Moishe?
Moishe: OK!
Dave: Melvin? ... Melvin? ... MELVIN!!!
Melvin: Oy vey!

Chipmunks: Chanukah's a time for all
With menorahs, matzah balls
Light the candles, eight across
Potato latkes, applesauce
Christmas jingles last too long
Melvin: We just have that dreidel song
Chipmunks: Sing meshuggeneh and oy
Them goys get all the toys

Dave: Very good, boys. Simon, you bring me such nakhes
Simon: Oy, gevalt!
Dave: Moishe, what a gesinte voice
Moishe: (giggles)
Dave: Melvin, you're a little farmishte farkakte
Dave: Melvin? Melvin? MELVIN!!!
Melvin: Oy vey!

Chipmunks: Christmas jingles last too long
Melvin: We just have that dreidel song
Chipmunks: Sing meshuggeneh and oy
Them goys get all the toys

Dave: That was much better my little mamzers
Melvin: Let's sing about Yom Kippur and Passover!
Dave: Ah, don't be a khazer now
(chipmunks all talking at once)
All: Happy holiday!

======================
Yiddish translations:
======================
Oy, Oy Vey: an expression of distress
Menorah: candelabrum (Simon lights one in this video)
Matzah balls: a round dumpling of unleavened bread crumbs and egg traditionally found in chicken soup
Latkes: potato pancakes, a traditional Chanukah food
Dreidel: a four-sided spinning top used in a game traditionally played during Chanukah (Melvin holds one during this video)
Meshuggeneh: crazy
Goys: gentiles
Nakhes: the joy that a parent gets from a child's accomplishments
Oy gevalt: an expression of extreme distress (I don't know why he would say it here)
Gesinte: healthy
Farmishte: mixed up, confused
Farkakte: screwed up, lousy (more literally: crappy)
Mamzer: bastard (it's not a nice word; I don't know why he's using it here)
Yom Kippur: a fall holy day of fasting
Passover: a spring holiday remembering the Exodus from Egypt
Khazer: pig

"Everything Should Taste Like Bacon"...and the Kof-K and OU Rabbis Say Okay

If you keep kosher but always had a hankerin' for the taste of bacon, a new line of products by J&D Foods should satisfy your craving.  Starting with bacon flavored salt (in 9 flavors) and moving on to bacon flavored popcorn, bacon flavored mayonnaise, bacon flavored ranch dressing, bacon flavored lip balm, and bacon flavored envelopes (yes, envelopes!) two "regular guys who love grilling and football" and a dream to make everything taste like bacon did just that.

They took their products to the Kof-K, one of the leading and most respected kosher certification agencies, who blessed their whole product line and granted them the coveted seal of kashrut.

As company namesakes Justin and Dave put it on their website,

Fortunately, there is no such thing as eternal damnation in the Jewish faith. If you keep kosher, the good news is that all of J&D's products are Kof-K certified. Hickory, Peppered, Jalapeno, Maple, Applewood and Mesquite Bacon Salts are Kof-K Parve, while Original, Natural, and Cheddar Bacon Salts along with Regular and Lite Baconnaise are Kof-K Dairy.

We decided to review the product line from the perspective of someone who has never tasted real bacon.  Of course, there's no way to tell if it's the same as the real thing.  But we tried to see how it measures up in flavor.

We tried to get reactions to the products during family gatherings and kiddush in shul on Chanukah.   Opinions are divided between two populations.  One group always wanted to taste the forbidden bacon and found nirvana when General Mills' BacO's chips and bits first appeared in 1966.  The other group can't stand the smell and wouldn't touch anything that had anything that smelled like bacon in it.

For the anti-bacon bunch, none of the products that we tried could get to first base.  For the BacO's enthusiasts, the Bacon Salts were appealing in that they added a tasty smoky flavor to soups and salads.

In our opinion, the best tasting product in the line is the Bacon Popcorn, which comes packed three microwaveable envelopes to a box and is very difficult to stop munching.

We wish that the company had done some more consumer research among kosher consumers before formulating the salts and choosing the labels for the bottles.  We found it confusing that some of the salts are pareve and some are dairy, and the designation appears on the backs of the bottles in tiny, almost unreadable type.  You'd have to be very careful in storing these bottles on a kitchen shelf to avoid picking up a dairy salt (e.g. Original or Natural) and sprinkling it on a meat dish.

This is a problem that is not unique to J&D Foods.  We've always felt that Morningstar Farms should have made all of their veggie burgers pareve so they could be put on a grill with other foods when friends and family come over for a barbecue on the deck.

As it is, most of the J&D bacon flavored foods contain milk.  We wish they didn't, because we would be inclined to use them mainly at meat meals. The Hickory and Peppered salts are Kof-K pareve.  All of the others salts are certified Kof-K dairy. For anyone who needs gluten-free foods, the Natural salt is gluten-free. J&D says all of its products are going Kof-K, but for now, the samples we have of Baconnaise and Popcorn are OU-Dairy and OU-Pareve.

Here's a video interview with the company founders from ABC TV when the product was first introduced last year.

A tip of the kippah to Esther Kustanowitz for first calling attention to this product line in her blog, My Urban Kvetch.

Chanukah Around the World: A Chinese Twist: Even In Beijing, the Celebration Goes On

Even in Beijing, they're lighting Chanukah menorahs.  BON, China's Blue Ocean Network, reports on Chanukah celebrations in China's capital city.  Chabad and Reform rabbis unite in bringing the holiday spirit to the Jewish population of about 2000, mostly expatriates and Chinese spouses.  Only those with foreign passports are allowed to attend services and cultural events.  Let's sing Hevenu Shalom Aleichem as the Jews of China prepare to light their menorah.